31 Days

Today is 31 days since I had my last drink. So far I haven't felt deprived. My coffee has gone back to it's topping of frothed milk or some almond milk instead of a splash of McCormicks liqueur. I drink green tea or water for the rest of the day and pass on the Niagra Medelo with a slice of lime squeezed and pushed thru the bottle neck or a glass of wine in the evening. Though, as I typed that out, I miss the flavor of those drinks.

Hm .... now that I'm reflecting and missing ... I especially miss my evening mix of 3 parts of Copra De Ora coffee liqueur with 1 part of McCormicks creme liqueur. This went from one or two drinks in the evenings of November and December 2010 to finishing off both bottles New Year's Eve night. Since I'd made the decision to quit drinking again nearly a month earlier ... no reason to leave those last two bottles to tempt me to break my 2011 resolve. Right?

Will I ever drink again? If I could promise never to be compulsive again and drink in such moderation as to not harm my liver, which is already trying to check out before the rest of me is ready, then I would answer,

"Hell, YEAH!"

I cannot promise that. In fact, I have visited Hell in my drinking history. Not just once but more times than I care to elaborate on. Such visits, in my past, are the main reason I have quit drinking before. Seems I get a few years of not drinking under my belt ... and maybe the time off softens those visits to Hell ... and maybe I don't want to believe I am an alcoholic ... and I'd return ... with an attempt to drink differently. Did I? For a while, maybe. Once I retired my favorites, Jack Daniels and Tequila, my drinking was more manageable. But not my thinking.

Will I ever drink again? For 31 days I haven't. I'm retiring all liqueur drinks with my 'fake' friends Jack and To-Kill-Ya (Tequila, for those of you that may be wondering.) and made a 2011 resolution to stop drinking. I'm committing to this year. If wine and beer ever make it back into my life, it will be because I will, once again, be attempting to drink differently. Will I be able to do it? Will I even want to drink again, by then? Hm .... for 31 days ... and counting.

LOVE?

I see love in the big blue eyes of my daughter, when she grabs my leg and looks up, up, and up, and says, "I wuv you Mommy!"

The heart of a child,
That trusts,
That believes,
And gives without expectations.
Short in anger,
Quick to forgive - forget,
Innocent in risking freely,
Without fear of hurt.

... 'Come unto Me as a child' ...

A child can teach us much of love.



I wrote this in 1984.

CRAP!

164.5 pounds jumped up from the digital scales and hit me between the eyes!!

No frigging way, I'm screaming in my head.

I last weighted 158.2 pounds on December 22, 2010! Yes, I panicked. Since I had already committed to not drinking after New Year's Eve, my panic was short and sweet. But more than a month later and I weight 6.3 pounds more AND I've not had my creme liqueur drinks for 28 days now. Geez, how much heavier was I? Or, worse, how slow am I going to lose the next 30 pounds! Crap!

What am I going to do? February 15th is my target date for not eating any more processed sugar! I have 18 more days to gorge on Cherry Pull-a-part Twizzlers and Hershey's Cherry Cordial Kisses! (Ok, so I have a thing for Cherry ... but it has to have a CERTAIN Cherry flavor. Not just ANY Cherry flavor will do!) Crap!

I can't afford to gain more weight. I'm already having troubles climbing stairs without becoming winded and when I bend over to put my socks on, I feel like I have the grand kids Diego ball in my lap and I'm bending over it. Crap!

Quit sugar now? NOW?! Why NoW!? Crap!

164.5 pounds! A half a pound away from 165 and only 35 pounds away from 200! Crap!

Can I gain 35 pounds in 18 days? February 15 isn't that far away. Right? Crap!

Why Would I?

Rich? Me?
Why would I,
In the splendor of my humble home,
Want such riches, young or old?

Why would I,
Want all I could buy?

What would I do,
With possessions all new?

Where would I go,
If so much money I could blow?

France, Paris, even Italy,
Oh the places I could finally see!

No more strict budget,
Buy all the food and clothes I can get!

No more thrift shops!
Well, no, not all things would I stop.

Oh such fun avails us,
If rich I truly was!

But who'd I be,
With so much money?

Would I still love,
And desire as strong, my God above?

Would I be happy,
With no growing trials to need?

Would you still be here,
Someone to call and be near?

Would it be me for you to stay,
Or my riches to give away?

Would it be the same,
If so very rich I became?

Rich? Me?
How absurd!!

My Time

All are in bed,
This house so quiet,
so full.
These hours are mine,
A time to ponder the day,
gone by.
Smiling inside,
So fond of this precious time,
alone am I.
A cup of herb tea,
A book, or mostly the T.V.,
with me.
No crys of Mom,
Meals all cooked and ate,
just tired.
I look around me,
Warm inside I see,
this my home.
This house so quiet,
My home, my loves,
my life.


December 3, 1982
I miss that home at 33rd & Orchard in the Star City. ♥

You and I a Crowd

Such is life,
As we gather together,
To clean away, start the day.
To do this one at a time,
With much more space,
Of course, it's out of place!

No, we have put our heads,
Same time,
Same place,
Over this sink together,
Bumping elbows,
Opps! Splashed water on your nose!

Silly faces,
Lots of noise,
Splashing, spitting, laughing,
You and I a crowd.
Yes, such is this life,
To put up with this kind of strife!

But oh memories,
We are making here,
You and I,
By this sink, young and old?
Me at 31 and you at 3,
Loving and brushing teeth!



Wrote this poem on August 4, 1984.
The picture was taken when Shelby was 5 and I was 33.
I have to smile when I read this and realize this poem continues in my heart with my grandchildren.

THAT'S GROWING?

"I'm growing," announces my 10 year old son, one night at the supper table.
"Notice anything different about me, Mom?"
I look him over, smiling inside, and guess, "you've got muscles?"
He was always telling me about his muscles once he turned 9.
"Nope." He says with a gleam in his eyes.
"Your freckles are darker?"
"Nope."
"Your boobs are growing?"
"No," he laughs.
"I got good posture!" He proudly reveals.
"Oh?"
"Yeah," he goes on, "remember how I use to slouch when I ate?"
"Well, now I don't!"
I wonder what he will grow at next, I think to myself, that smile still inside.

Wrote this in 1982. Was living in Lincoln, NE on the corner of 33rd and Orchard at the time. John was 10 and his little sister was just over a year old.

New Year's Resolutions 2011 (Part 2)

What if this world, as we know it, would end in 2012? Depending on who one believes, this seems to be a coming possibility. Would I be ready? No. Do I believe the Apocalypse is coming then? God's word says He will come like a thief in the night, so I should be ready at all times. Just knowing this, is a stumbling block for me. I bounce from feeling so hopeless, knowing I won't be ready because I can't afford the oil for my lamp, to hoping God is merciful and will take into account all that I have changed, to date, in preparation for this event, though I fall far short from a fully oiled lamp. Bet I'm confusing anyone that may be following this blog. Sorry.

Guess, I better just focus on what I can change in my life, one year at a time, in a step by step, one day at a time, way. So, for 2011, I resolve to:

1. Stop drinking. Last drink was on New Year's Eve 2010.

I laid down whiskey, my favorite being Jack Daniels, on December 31, 1997. From there I would just drink wine, vodka or coffee and creme liqueurs until August 6, 2002, when I laid down all alcohol for a year. I wanted to go on a vision quest, similar to the Native American Vision Quests I had been researching for a few years after reading Rainbow Tribe. One had to deny themselves of something that could interfere with the focus of the vision quest. It took longer than a year to experience 'my' form of a vision quest, a story too long to relate at this writing, and I stayed away from alcohol until a trip, with Mom, four years later.

That trip, four years later, was when I took Mom to have major surgery done on her abdomen in Loveland, CO. Here, again, there is a long story behind this event, that I won't go into now, but I drank a glass of wine. I rationalized for the next 4 years that a periodic wine, beer or mild liqueur drink was not harmful. As long as I used alcohol in a moderate way and never got drunk, then things should be fine. Right?

Why quit drinking now? Because this last year I was drinking more than I knew was healthy for me. When I went through my severe back pain for 5 1/2 months last year, and refused to use morphine, oxycontin, darvoset, codeine (allergic to anyway), or any other major narcotic to deaden the pain, I used alcohol. I swore, to myself, if I started getting drunk that I would quit.

Well, I got drunk the night a well known local, native to Ogallala, shot himself. This man wasn't even related to me, or really that close to me, but the tragedy triggered some old tapes inside me and I escaped in my Copra De Ora! Did I quit drinking then? No. That was in September. By December, I was drinking nearly every day a drink or two, and even though I didn't get drunk again, my weight ballooned from 138 to 162 pounds. All this seemed to be in my stomach. I looked very pregnant.

I have a liver disease and the swelling indicated to me that my liver was enlarged again. If my health wasn't enough of a red flag, my budget was. I was ignoring how often I drank until the Holiday packaging of my favorite creme drinks included 2 cute glasses. After I had collected 10 glasses in less that a month, I became painfully aware that my drinking was not moderate.

From the years I've been involved in 12 step groups, I've learned that a person has a problem if, what they're doing, affects; family relationships, finances, health, work, or social relationships. If just one of these areas is notably affected, it is a red flag. I had three red flags waving.

So ... on New Year's Eve, I drank the last of my creme liqueur drinks and, one day at a time, I'm moving forward with this resolve. May the Lord bless my effort and help me keep this resolve strong.

2. Go on a sugar cleanse for at least 6 months.

I have targeted February 15, 2011, as my start date to withdraw from sugar. Why wait til then and why not do this in unison with not drinking alcohol? I don't deal well with change and to try this in stages, may help me succeed and accept these much needed changes. Besides, I so enjoy Valentines Day and look forward to my Hershey's Cherry Cordial Kisses!

I suffer as a sugaraholic! I believe it will be more of a challenge for me to go on this sugar cleanse than to not drink.

3. Go back to eating less red meat and eating more organic and healthy food.

Gona be much poorer, since to eat right is expensive, but I'm reaching an age that, to stick around, I better eat better. We are what we eat. Too many of us are committing a slow suicide by what we put in our mouths. Besides myself, another such person is my mother.

The pain my mother has experienced with her morbid obesity has been difficult to witness. Watching her yoyo over several years until she seemed to finally surrender and fight no more, was akin to the days she stood by, too frightened to protect her own children from her second husband as he nearly killed us all in his drunken rages.

Mom was never a skinny woman. She was a healthy Marilyn Monroe size until her third marriage. Maybe when that marriage began to crumble, Mom needed food to comfort her. Food for her was like alcohol is for me. Was this her way of covering feelings of guilt, of her own inadequacies, of her own private pain and trauma in three failed marriages? Answers to these questions, I guess, are between her and God. I just know, as her daughter, that her struggle was difficult to witness.

I also believe her struggles influenced my own eating issues. I've battled feelings of embarrassment when she reached her heaviest and then personal guilt when I would gorge myself in the ways I knew she did in secret. Secret? We would catch her, when we woke in the night to use the bathroom, eating loaves of white bread, smothered in margarine. Or we'd wake in the morning to find the leftovers, from the evening meal, gone.

Just as I use to swear I would never abuse my children the way her second husband traumatized us, I swore I would never be a big as my Mom. It wasn't until the eating disorders of anorexia and bulimia reached the headlines, that I recognized my own eating patterns in those disorders. I would gorge and then eat a package of EX-LAX, have a severe case of diarrhea and this would help me drop weight and/or keep it off. (Of course this was before they changed their original formula to prevent such abuse.) I couldn't make myself throw up but I would often starve myself for a several days with the help of speed (we called them white crosses back then) or, after I stopped using speed, I'd eat ridiculously small portions or I'd eat only one meal a day.

When I went through a counseling training program and was later hired at the Independence Center, I became aware of my eating disorder. It would be a couple more years before I faced my eating disorder in a treatment program in O'Neil, NE and it would take several more years learning about nutrition and trying to eat healthier before my body would finally eliminate properly. When you regularly abuse laxatives, the way I had for several years, the body depends on the laxative and falls out of balance. To put it bluntly ... I lost the ability to poop on my own for a while there. The healthier my thinking seemed to get, the healthier my eating habits became. And, yes, the healthier my ....

Anyway, at this time in my life, I tend to go in cycles. I guess you could call it yoyoing. I've yet to stabilize and maintain a steady, healthy weight. I have never been obese, or even overweight for more than a few months. But I yoyo from eating junk food, especially at night (like Mom) til I can't wear anything but my 'fat' pants, to eating healthy for me until some crisis takes me back to bingeing on junk food for months again. I want to change that. I can't do it alone anymore so this resolve will need God's help. Lord, will You help me? I pray I never give up trying to eat healthy.

4. Take up my Yoga again.

Actually any regular exercise will be good to incorporate into my life this year.

5. Reconnect with family.

I haven't been a very good wife, sister, aunt, daughter, niece. I've drifted away from family and I want to change that.

6. Reconnect with friends.

As with family, I've neglected my friends. The last few years I've isolated myself. Why?

7. Remember last year's resolution to sell most of my stuff and to clear out the clutter? Well, that resolution is continued into 2011.

8. Find a church home?

Church? Such a place was not important to my family. Nor was praying. In fact, the most I ever heard about God was when someone was swearing. Who was God and what did he mean to me? I wouldn't find out until I was in my early 20's.

I was baptised when I was 13 at the Church of Christ with one of my best friends back then, Sherrie Lee. I was set up by some other 'best friends' to be raped that same year. This broke me. I became a full fledged rebel and an atheist for years after. I was broken and I blamed God for my brokenness.

It would be another best friend, Coleen Sakurada, that would help me let go of my anger at God and open the door to Him again. And it would be a few more years, after that, before I would realize that it was my brokenness that allowed me to find God again. I was then re baptized in the Berean Fundamentalist Church in Lincoln, NE shortly after the birth of my daughter. From here I began a long, stumbling, walk in a quest to know my Lord and why He is so important to me. A quest that continues to this day. A quest that pivots around His Word which I've come to believe is Living. It has been a quest wrought with falling, getting back up, only to fall again and just believing, in the midst of all my unanswered whys.

My Bible has been my church for a long time now. I don't grow in organized religion. I don't grow in rituals. But I miss being with people who share this love and passion for the Lord and His Word and believe it is Living ... not just a book with guidelines and a history of miracles ... but a Living Being that speaks to my heart and in a most personal way. Like a love letter. That love makes me want to change and believe that I'm not alone, that I don't have the strength or power to succeed, alone. I have a Supernatural Helper, a Father that guides and protects me. He was there when I was in pain as a child, He's here in my pain as an adult. He is my reason I am.

I want to find a church that is growing and loving in His Word. I will know when I find it, just as I know when I read and feel His Shepherding, His love, His forgiveness, His Purpose for me. Is there that kind of home church out there?

I'm sure I have more resolutions and these all sound really generic. Maybe I'll return to add more, if needed. Or maybe this is enough, for the years are getting shorter. It is becoming more apparent to me that I will not make the transformation needed in this life time. I will forever fall short of what I need to be.

New Year's Resolutions 2011 (Part 1)

NANA'S ARE REALLY LITTLE GIRLS INSIDE

Sometimes I wish I was a little person again,
And I could enjoy a toy kitten as if it were real,
Like I did, anyway, on our New Year's Christmas day.
I poked it's white tummy and let out a girly squeal,
Acting much younger than a Nana should, in a way.
Never could get over how real it did feel,
A tummy poke and it moved in a little kitty way.
None of my gifts could be traded, that had such appeal,
So I settled for the little time I could cuddle and play,
Til my grand-daughter thought me strange and unreal,
And asked for her gift back with a look, as if to say,
She was afraid I wasn't pretending and might try to steal.
With a sigh I returned the toy to her that day,
I knew my wish to be young again wasn't part of the deal,
She took her toy white kitten and I became her sweet Nana again.

~~~~~~~~~~

This year came skidding in and I'm no where done with last year yet! When I start thinking about resolutions for this new year, I was reminded of last years list and that I had a handy way to look back on that list right here in my blog! So, I stopped drafting this and went to my quick Labels list and clicked on the label, New Years Resolutions. At this point, there is only 1 posting listed. Easy.

After printing it off, I notice I never did finish last years list. Good time for me to review. Besides, I'm curious how many of the ones I did list, I kept.

Hm ... let's see,

2010 Review

1. I resolve to continue not praying for myself. Disappointment is blinding me.

~At the end of 2009 I was going through my annual holiday blues and felt that my prayers weren't being heard. So I decided to leave me out of all my prayers. To go for a few months that way would have been a miracle but I'm sure I was back into grumbling about me before February rolled in. (Note to God: If it makes You feel any better, I hate my whining more that You do.)

2. I resolve to let go of the chains of the past and forgive more, starting with me.

~I kept this one and it is a continual resolve. I have sooooo much to forgive myself for. As I type this, I think it is time for a burning ceremony. This is a ceremony I learned while working at the Independence Center in Lincoln, NE, back in my late 20's. There are variations to the ceremony and for me, in this quest of forgiving myself; I will write down the things that I struggle forgiving myself for. When done, I will read them aloud to myself starting with ... I forgive myself for ... and, as I burn the list, I will pray for forgiveness, one last time, to my Lord.

~Yes, I know He forgave me a long time ago, ... this is my responsibility. That which I hold on to, is that which I re-crucify my Christ for. I know when I do this burning ceremony and watch my burdens turn to ash, it will be very liberating and a great visual to help me understand how far the East is from the West. If I don't feel that way, then I've not let my burdens go. I've been here before. I'm tired of the weight.

3. I resolve to be better than I have been, even yesterday, to stop pitying me.

~Can I use my aging as an excuse for why I'm still feeling sorry for myself?

4. I resolve to get out of the ME trunk, since right off the bat, the first three resolves end with ME!

~Maybe I should just burn that trunk.

5. I resolve to be close to God again.

~This one I didn't begin to keep til I returned to, nearly, every morning, reading my Bible. I returned to the Lord's Word on November 9, 2010. I hope never to fall away from regular reading again. What a void!

~Why did I stop? If interested in an answer, I tried to analyze it in 'Back To The Bible'. (I know there is a way to link this so all you have to do is click on the title I just typed and wha-lah, you're there. Some day. For now, you have to go to my Labels section and click on Spiritual Thots and, hopefully, wha-lah.)

6. I resolve to sell most of my stuff and clear out the clutter in my life.

~Ok, not MOST of my stuff went in all my garage sales of 2010. Not even a third. So, this resolution I will carry into 2011 because it is necessary and as I age, I can't take care of it all ... and my husband will just throw it all out if I croak before him.

7. I resolve to get more organized and cut back on my procrastination.

~I have gotten more organized this year! Procrastination? Well ... I'm still finishing a scrapbook I started for a dear friend's 60th birthday. He'll be 61 this month and I hope to get it to him soon. Yes, I know it is a year later!
(Note to Lou, if I should croak before getting it to you: Sorry, darlin, my intentions were good!)

8. I resolve to find something I love working at and finish the last few years of my life, doing that which I love. (let's get real, I'll be 58 this year and I hope I have enough years left to see my grand children graduate and maybe even marry?)

~This resolve I kept. I can't imagine doing anything I love more, right now, than getting the opportunity to be my grandson's Nanny for the first few years of his life. He's 2 now. Preschool won't start til he is 4. After that? Who knows? Maybe my dream to be a Gypsy will come true. I've always wanted to travel and write about the local color I may stumble across. Every person has a colorful history.

9. I resolve to take better care of this body God gave me.

~No, I did not keep this resolution at all! Again, I always have good intentions.


So, I didn't finish the list I made last year and I didn't keep all the few I listed. Is that going to stop me from drawing up a new list this year? No. I made progress. Not perfection, progress.

I learned from some special 12 step programs, over the years, how important it is for me to take a regular inventory and assess some goals, to try to keep my life in balance. From those life changing programs I came to treasure a saying that was printed on the back of a medallion that was given to folks celebrating special personal markers and it read;

To Thine Own Self Be True

This saying and the Serenity Prayer have been constant reminders to help me live, grow and love. And over the years, since, I find myself reviewing, revising and resolving (annually) to make each year better than the last year.

So ... back to drafting up my 2011 resolutions.

New Year's Day 2011

The sun rose on New Years Day to several inches of snow. The wind had gone down and by 7:30 am the temperature was already a balmy 7 degrees. It was a beautiful winter wonderland. 2010 stormed out like a lion and 2011 woke up like a lamb. Everything was all white and fluffy. Drifts everywhere, with wind blown bare patches here and there.

A light breakfast of fruit, toast, chocolate milk for the kids, coffee and/or green tea for the rest of us as we all crowded around the TV. One of the traditions I began with my son when he was 5, was watching the Tournament of Roses Parade on New Year's Day. And so, here we all were, eating our light breakfast, and watching a parade of floats, held annually in California, decorated only in flowers and natural materials.

This year's parade hosted several floats focusing on the Native American side of our history. Very beautiful floats. Warmed my heart to see this part of our American heritage represented so admirably! I hope to see many more of their floats in future parades.

After breakfast clean-up and the prime rib rubbed and tucked in a roaster, we all headed out to see if we had enough snow to sled down our lil hill behind the shop. Well, if ya viewed the quick clip above, you found out we did. What a heap of fun but oh so cold!

Hot chocolate warmed us after our playing in the snow. The prime rib dinner, to follow a few hours later, was the best! And our gift giving time was warm and loving.

If this first day in 2011 is any indication of how the rest of the year will go, then I'm very hopeful.♥