Reviewing 2014

Once again, I marvel at how fast the year flew by! I am still convinced that the older we get the faster time travels away from us! 

It is that time of year ... again ... when I look back at the path I traveled and how far I have come. Each year that path seems longer and at times more difficult. This year ... not so bad ... but ... not the best either.

This was the first year my husband has experienced as a retiree. He loves his retirement! He can ride his Harley whenever he wants and though he prefers a beautiful day, as long as it is not raining, snowing or a day with hurricane force winds, he can be found on his Harley. Otherwise, he can be found in his shop sand blasting something or working on his bike or a friends bike or just enjoying a beer. 

I have enjoyed my husbands retirement for the most part. He does more housework now that he is home more and he has refrained from micro managing my life ... most of the time. I was worried about him last year when his job seemed to stress him and feared I'd loose him to a heart attack. Then, in retirement, I feared he would try to manage all my time. Neither have happened. 

Now, I'm just praying we will grow old together in contentment and good health.

Our home has been especially quiet this year when the grandchildren aren't staying with us or we aren't celebrating our annual 4th of July get together. Two cats and an aging couple make for a near boring life.

Grandchildren are growing way too fast. 

Justice is 16. She enjoys living in Lincoln, NE and has found a home in Lincoln High, her high school. She is still an avid artist and is developing an interest in poetry writing. I look forward to watching what she will grow into and pray for her life adventures to be both safe and rewarding to her. 

Ryenn is 11. She has always had a hard time leaving Dad and Mom for any length of time to stay with anyone. This year she has spent time with us without crying to go home nearly the same day she arrived. What a blessing that has been! She has a sense of humor and is quite the computer geek. Her friends are her life but this year she has made room for Popo and Nana ... and of course, as always, her cousin, Corban. 

Corban is 6. He physically changes each time I see him! So far, personal interests or friends have not kept him from wanting to come to Po's and Nana's whenever possible! I hope that never changes. In fact, he became sick with Mono this November and we had the honor of caring for him for two weeks of his 3week illness. Yes ... honor!

I love being a grandparent!

I love my family!

My son and his wife have endured some hardships over the last couple of years but this year has blessed them with new jobs and new dreams. We were lucky that with job changes that they were able to come spend Christmas with us. We are all looking forward now to the annual 4th of July get together. On a sad note, Billie lost her Dad over Christmas weekend. I pray special memories of her Dad, Bill, will be a comfort and ease the pain of such a loss. 

We had the Harrison Christmas early in December and were surprised by some time with our youngest son. Clint is always a joy to spend time with! He has had a busy year. He and his partner have an exchange student staying with them this year and that has changed the dynamics of home life. Clint is also back in college and funds are tight so we really didn't expect to see him this year! What a treat!

Front row: Patrick, Corban, Eli, Bonnie, Sera, Me, Mom Harrison, Rachel and her husband Hyle.
Second row: Shelby, Rich, Arlene, Clint, and Justice.
Ron/husband is taking the picture and prefers not to be in the picture. Besides, prime rib is getting cold so no time for another picture.


My daughter and her husband are still enduring some hardships this year. We were so glad we got to celebrate Christmas with them in York, NE. Shelby changed jobs and loves her new job as a legal secretary. They have taken on the care of Shelby's godchild and that has put a strain in the mix. But then, my daughter seems to function best when stress is high. She has such a heart and tries so hard that she often forgets to take care of herself or takes the harder path. Hmmmm ... sounds a lot like her mother.

My prayer for all our kids are that they would be blessed financially ... enough to help them decrease the hardships that stress them all. I pray they all will be blessed with fulfilled dreams and lots of family love! And that all changes in their lives will be handled with the utmost amount of grace, and that God will touch them all in special ways.

This year my Mom is still recovering in the Imperial Manor Nursing Home. I keep praying that she will get well enough to come back to her home, the family home, she worked so hard to maintain as a legacy for her children. Her legacy to me is her hard work. I can only pray to offer my family all the gifts she has given me over the years. I am still unwrapping those gifts in my heart and discovering every year how much she has impacted my life

Brother Carl made it to Mom's Christmas party at the manor (above picture) for the third year. He has been such a blessing! He cares for the family home in a way I sure didn't expect. I had thought baby brother Don Gillespie would have been the best care taker, but Carl has been so respectful of her home. And he has been a surprising budget manager with the limit funds he has. What a hard worker! 

Now if he would just consider not smoking anymore because his cough is more persistent. I fear his life span will be much shorter because of it. He reminds me of Grandpa Hall and Aunt Patty. When they were both terminal they kept their passion for smoking alive. "What do I have left?" was Aunt Patty's response each time I'd warn of smoking shortening her life. 

We tried to enroll brother Carl in the new health care by this years deadline. He can't afford the cost and NE refused to enlarge their Medicaid base so he is still without insurance. Hopefully his paltry $6000/yr income will keep the government from fining him and taking more of the money he doesn't have to give! 

More important ... because he doesn't have insurance, and Ogallala closed down their low income clinic, he won't go to the doctor to find out if he has bronchitis, or COPD, or to check if his cancer is back. "Do I eat, or go to doctor?" and "I won't quit smoking anyway." are his replies to me. I don't have the power or resources to help him and this breaks my heart.

So for my brother, my prayer is that God would heal him and bless him with those lottery millions he often dreams about. He buys the cheaper Mega Million ticket, 1 time a week. Lord? 

Finally, this December 27th, my husband and I celebrated our 12th year of marriage. We met on April 19, 1986 but didn't start dating until February of 1987. We split up for a couple of years in 1996 but got back together after deciding that we belonged together. 

It has been a rocky road for us, but smoother than two stubborn hearts could hope for. He is so much a part of my life that I can't imagine my life without him. We have lots of issues to conquer but what changes we've made to date and the dreams we share of the future have made us stronger and more full of love then those first few years together.

Regrets? Lots.

Hope? That's what keeps me dreaming.

I am looking forward to 2015. I will be 62 in June. I hope to retire from my cleaning business in the next couple of years and next year that journey begins with some serious investigation. 

This year I did all the blood workup that needed to be done to determine the stage of my liver disease. That done, I am now waiting to find out if insurance will help me pay for the new treatments that are available to cure me. Since it is so close to the end of the year, I'm guessing that approval, if it comes, won't happen now til 2015. Lord?

I will end this review with a prayer for the next year to be full of blessings, cures and changes for the better!

THE BLACKEST OF BLACK FRIDAYS AND I'M NOT EVEN SHOPPING

Today is Black Friday. This is an American label to the Friday after Thanksgiving that kick starts the Christmas shopping extravaganza! I clarify the label with 'American' as today was the first day this craze was introduced in Great Britain. Sad to say, like us, it opened with a violent frenzy, fights, destructive behavior and injuries suffered by both the shoppers and the clerks. Last year even a death by crushing was attributed to this craziness. This day is not over, but no death, in either country ... yet. 

For me, this is the blackest of Black Fridays and I'm not even shopping. I awoke to a cloudy sunrise, not really in any particular mood, and proceeded through my morning routine like usual.

First stop ... the bathroom. This tends to be where I wake up the rest of the way, since it is the physical desire to pee that moves my sleepy body to find relief. And, as usual, my cat, Mushi, just HAS to sit on my lap. Not to keep me company or glad to have me up and about, but to push, prod, and purr at me to pet her ... non-stop! In fact, if I don't start petting soon enough for her, she will reach up and pat my cheek. 1st one is soft but I dare not let her try again as the second pat may have some claws out ... darn cat! She rules the commode roost!

After brushing my graying hip length hair, the gray hidden most of the time under a blond bleach, and a quick brush of my teeth and wash of my face and hands, I patter out to the kitchen. I push the preheat button on my early Christmas present from brother Carl. It is a Keurig that I have been eyeing ever since they first hit the market. If I hadn't of been gifted this coffee brewer, I'm sure I would be one of those unlucky shoppers risking this Black Friday violence to get what I've been coveting for a long time. Instead, I'm home safe, and I lifted the handle and popped in a K-cup to brew a cup of green tea. 

As the tea brews I do a 5-10 minute Yoga routine and today, while also listening to the familiar Keurig noises as it fills my cup with tea, I remember the wide eyed look my brother had as he presented me with my early Christmas present. That night he had also handed me the receipt so I could take it back if it didn't work properly and when I seen how much he had spent, I knew he had spent most of his Christmas Club money on my gift. 

I had mixed emotions that day, nearly a month ago. I was ashamed at coveting something so expensive and humbled by my brother wanting to get me something he'd heard me go on and on about. I did tell him, he shouldn't have as I hugged him and thanked him profusely! He told me he wanted to thank me for all I had done for him. I'm humbled with every cup of tea/coffee/cappuccino/hot chocolate that I drink from that Keurig!

So, tea in hand, I head upstairs to my quiet spot for a bit of prayer and meditation and Bible reading. Today ... this is where my mood began to cloud ... just like the morning sky outside.

I'm reading in Jeremiah. This is my 7th or 8th time reading the Bible all the way through, and I try to read a chapter or two or more a day. Today I finish Jeremiah by reading the last seven chapters. And when done ... I sat ... and felt over whelming waves of despair. I felt and still feel like ... the biggest loser alive! Why?

Those last few chapters in the book of Jeremiah are full of doom for a people of old that turned their back on their one true Lord and chased after idols, gods of others and refused to believe Jeremiah's prophecies which we now know came true. Why should reading those chapters trouble me? They recorded something that happened so long ago. Why do I feel like there is a connection to this present world of people? Why did I/do I feel like history is repeating itself?

I spent the next hour or so, reflecting on my family and all that was going on past and present. It just seems like there is so much on every one's plate. Are we all so wrapped up in our difficult lives that God feels completely ignored and is bringing more difficulties down on all of us as judgement? 

I have no answers.

My phone jingled a text from a friend. I ended up texting the despair I felt and a partial answer was given, in that, my friend reminded me that I was stuck in seeing God as a vengeful, angry, unforgiving God and had forgotten that He sent Christ, a new covenant with us, to redeem us and forgive us. A God of love not doom. 

I felt better but still weepy and broken. This time of year is a trigger for the blues in me anyway. And with more on my plate this year than years past and no idea how to empty it ... I feel overwhelmed. Alone. Like God Himself has turned from us, like He did in those days of Jeremiah. My friend also reminded me that the enemy was on the prowl. 

Let go. 

The rest of this day was spent, watching the NE vs Iowa football game and putting up the Christmas tree. The Husker win put a smile on my face, as did the finished tree. 

I have since fixed a meal of Thanksgiving leftovers, polished off a bag of Hershey's Cherry Cordial Kisses (better than drinking but not much), and returned to my first dose of vitamins that was on hold while I was taking some antibiotics. Maybe the antibiotics amplified my depression? 

As this Black Friday draws to a close, and I lay down my head, the despair is less and my thoughts ... 

I have no answers.
Let go.
I'm so glad I couldn't go shopping,
On this,
The blackest of Black Fridays.

WHEN WILL I KNOW IT IS SPRING?

I will know it is Spring when the apple trees blossom and the lilacs bloom and the Hummingbird Moths come out. I will also know it is Spring when the garden is planted and everything turns green.


It is Spring. But we are missing the spring rains here in the sandhills. Our country yard is starting to look brittle so we have commenced watering daily. Something we usually don't start doing until mid to end of June. Tonight looks like we may have rain but these looks have been deceiving before. Our family 4th of July time together, this year, may be without fireworks if we don't start actually getting some rain. Lord?

I love Spring! I love the new, fresh, green (remember, green is my favorite color!), growing feel of Spring! 

And school is out in May for my grandchildren. That means they get to come spend time with Nana and Popo. Something we will treasure until the day comes that they will not want to come spend time with us. And that time will come.

Our grandchildren have invaded our home as of May 25th and so our quiet, regimented life is now upside down with activities, squabbles, miller fears, and movie times in the evening. More fun than not and I'm trying real hard not to be stressed about the disarray of the house and they are doing their best at keeping it in some order this time. Better than they ever have. Having these kids here is worth all the stress, laughter, tears, joy, fears and strengths gleaned from our time together. It will be over way too soon.

Just as it was way too soon for their parents to be gone from home.

Just as Spring will be over way too soon.

Just as each season of our life leaves before we are really ready.

It's a miracle! Health care is available to all! APRIL FOOL'S!

Yesterday was the deadline to enroll for health care insurance that is now mandated through the Affordable Health Care Act that was passed in our last election. The haters of our country refer to it as Obama Care and are using it to further divide our country between the haves and have nots.

The Affordable Health Care means change and was suppose to open the way to make health care available to everyone. It is suppose to be a gift of life to some, a right to human dignity ... not a privilege, as it is now (or was) to those who could afford to pay for it. But we are a country of people who HATE change and human rights are not important to us anymore, unless you have the means to buy it.

We are a country that is fast becoming a monarchy with the growing base of poor expected to pay tribute to those who have wealth and privilege. We've become a nation of greed shepherding the poor into camps for destruction when they've nothing more to give. Money is now our god that we worship blindly at the expense of all compassion, under the guise of patriotism. Ah .... but this is not the time for my soapbox and I'm in the minority in here in the sandhills of Nebraska. My opinion is not wanted nor respected. Folks just wish I would shut up and bend over. I never was good at being one of the sheep. And it took me many years to throw off the victim trap, so bending over anymore is not an option for me!

Anyway, because of this mandate, I helped my brother, Carl, file for health care on the health care.gov website. Carl has a learning disability that makes it impossible for him to be able to comply without assistance and I'm happy to assist him. Though my assistance waited until the last moment to enroll him. Wonder what folks do that don't have anyone to assist them? 

So, we answer the questions and we learn (though I knew this from the Nebraska news) that Carl does not qualify for assistance to pay for the premiums listed. Nebraska refuses to expand it's Medicaid base so the aide to the poor will not be forthcoming until enough compassionate people step up to be the voice for the growing poor. 

We then scroll through the options for insurance without looking for the availability of cancer treatment options that he may need. He was diagnosed and treated with chemo and radiation and surgery back in 2001-2003 but the garbage company he worked for in Lincoln, NE, dropped that insurance for another and would not bring him back to their work force once he completed his treatments ... thus he became un-insurable, quit going to the doctors and never got the 'all clear' ... yet. The cheapest available insurance plan we found was $380 a month .

$380 a month ... and I won't bore you with what that insurance covered because we were blown away with the $4500 deductible which led me to wonder why even have insurance then? When you are stuck at poverty level, how is a $4500 deductible plus $380 a month premium going to help keep you from falling deeper into poverty and despair when you are sick?

Carl made around $6000 last year. He is a hard worker but no one that could pay him a decent wage and offer a company insurance will hire him. Is it because of his age of 59? Is it because he looks like one of the relatives from the series Duck Dynasty and even carries his coffee mug around like Sy does with his Tupperware glass of tea? Is it because he no longer has any teeth once they all were removed for his cancer treatments and he's never been able to afford to replace them? Is it because he is so thin (cancer still?) and can't seem to shake the homeless look ... unless he's dressed for a wedding? Is it because when he speaks, he is judged?

He is blessed that a motel in Ogallala desperately needed help and took a chance on him. Maybe they would have let him go after they had enough staff but instead they found him to be one of their most loyal workers ... who actually worked and hasn't missed a day off his schedule to date! Now they, too, feel blessed (my opinion, of course) to have him working for them but he is hardly going to come out ahead making $4 on each room he cleans. I've had him help me clean in my small cleaning business and those who know my expectations of what's clean, know I wouldn't let him help unless he was skilled at cleaning. He is awesome!

So, let's do a quick worksheet on this hard working man's financial standings:

$6000 a year divided by 12 = $500 a month estimated income.

He isn't one of the users of the system as some haters like to lock all poverty stricken folks into. He doesn't hang out at the bars, he doesn't travel, he doesn't even have cable TV or spend compulsively on junk (like I seem to) and his frugal life is very lonely and maybe too quiet for him. He is fortunate that after nearly 2 years homeless, he is now the caretaker of the family home and our mother's car, so he doesn't have rent to contend with. But he is trying to care for the home and car and his share of the insurances and the expenses of living there. So here is an estimated list of his monthly expenses:

$260 ~ electric (the home is all electric)(summer use is $100 less
            without air conditioning which he won't use because of
            the expense)
$37   ~ water
$77   ~ house & car ins ($850/yr)
$50   ~ phone
$90   ~ fuel for car (and based on fuel costs, this is low)

At this point we are already at $514 in monthly expenses and we haven't even listed his food expense yet. As his sister, I tend to pick up what he can't afford and take him out or invite him to our home for meals! I take him to buy groceries for him once in a while (which he never asks for help with) and he does go to the food pantry once a month and that helps. So please tell me where he can afford the added $380 a month for his health care? 

We left the web site bummed. We could not enroll because he has no way to pay for this. Look at his list of expenses? What can he give up to meet this mandate? So will he be one of those folks that that will be fined? Or is he too poor to be fined? Regardless ... he will be without health insurance.

I guess our government and the haters of our poor, will be relieved to know that he has decided that should he get real sick and should cancer return, he will choose, this time, not to go to the doctor. He says he is ready to die. I'm not ready for him to die, however! But I can't afford to pay for his health care plan either. 

When I talked him into moving back to Ogallala, he came with an infection under his chin. Funny how an ingrown hair can give one a cancer return scare! We were lucky, we had a clinic for our poor in Ogallala that he went to. I helped him pay for the 1st visit and he payed half with me for the next visit. $35 dollars each visit and the antibiotic cost him $7 from Safeway Pharmacy (did they have an agreement with the clinic as that powerful antibiotic cost Mom so much more and she had insurance?). 

That clinic, that proved to be a life line for my brother, was shut down by the city of Ogallala. But they have a beautiful pavilion recently built for some fun times in this Cowboy Capital with it's ideal location by the largest lake in the state. Ogallala will bask in their cities beautiful additions and, possibly, an improved infrastructure, at the expense of the poor they seem so determined to extract tribute from! Those leaders of this community made this decision with insurance already under their belt and a full belly. The poor, a burden to them, can't help them with all the pretties they are trying to glean for their city so it will attract more people/tourists ... with money. Poor people are not an asset to this goal. Tell me where can my brother can go now, that won't cost $120+ up front? Please?!

Do I sound angry? Darn right I am! I should be content ... for my place in this community and country is not at the extreme poverty level of my brother and others like him. But I've been there and the struggle filled me with despair, a despair not easily forgotten.

I voted for this president ... passionately believing in health care as a right, not a privilege! I still passionately believe that! But unlike the clinic which served the poor in this city of Ogallala and was closed by the city leaders, repealing and shutting down the Affordable Care Act would counter the good things about it that have made a big difference (no more denying insurance based on pre-existing issues, a cap on soaring prescription costs, and so much more). Yet, this is the mentality of the country as a whole, so I shouldn't have been surprised and/or appalled by such actions of our city leaders. The clinic should have remained open with some tweaking on those issues that blinded them to the more important issue ... life for our poor. Likewise, the Affordable Care Act needs some tweaking. It needs to be affordable! I'm so very disappointed that it is not! 

Health care is not available to all!  People will still be dieing because they cannot afford to go to the doctor. APRIL FOOL'S on us!

P.S. I know you haters of President Obama, if you're still reading this ... some are so sick in their hate that the first mention of the Affordable Health Care Act probably got me deleted. Anyway, you will be happy to know I won't vote democrat in the next election. For the first time since this became a privilege, I won't be voting at all.

I refuse to vote for royalty, for folks who have no damn idea what it means to govern for the people and by the people! Money is the platform these days! The king and his/her cronies could not give one rat's ass about the people unless those people have the kind of money that talks! Most of those that strive to make it to this 'top' forget where they came from and why they are there.  And they have no worries when it comes to their elite, free health care! Besides they've made it perfectly clear that my vote does not count. And that's no April Fools!

                     Brother Carl and I ... taken back in 2007

WHEN THE ICE MELTS, SPRING HAS SPRUNG

March has brought Spring, but Winter doesn't know it yet. This has been a very cold winter. I'm sure we have had worse over the years but they have been almost forgotten. Time has been spoiling us with fairly mild winters for a few years now and so a harsh winter can make us whine and moan and crave Spring. 

March is nearly over, and the snow has yet to move on. One day it is in the 70's and the next it snows and whips us with less than 10 degrees! As I post this, there is a light flurry adding to the blanket of snow we got yesterday. Icicles hang from the upper roof, just outside my 2nd floor home office window, and I'm wrapped in my mink blanky and snuggled deep into Dad's sagging old recliner, waiting for Spring to come and the Winter blues to go away on this cold white Sunday!

Well, it has been nearly 3 months since my last post. I am at a loss to tell you why. (Should there be a 'you' out there reading this blog.) Maybe when I find a real purpose for blogging, regular posts will appear. For now ... my hankerin for ramblin isn't so regular. 

Today I feel like rambling and what better thing to do on such a dreary, lagging, wintry day then to add some 'thots' to my blog. Right? So walk with me as I stroll through some reflection and pondering of my life in these Nebraska sandhills ... all covered in cold snow ... 

This year I turn 61. I still haven't lost my awe in making it this far in life. When I reflect back over the past 60 .... it is amazing. There is a reason, right? When I spend time with either my grown children or my grandchildren, I feel closer to the reason. 

Me, a grandma? Never seen this coming. I'm grateful for the Lord allowing me to be a grandma ... or, Nana, as I prefer ... because the regrets of my poor parenting skills are softened by the changes I've made to be a good Nana.

And as an older woman, I believe I am far better for my grown children then I was when I was that young self centered mess, stumbling through dark times brought on by poor life skills. The Lord has allowed me to see and experience change and in it came the hope that I could make each regret teach and change me.

I don't like aging, though! It is getting harder for me to look in the mirror and find .... heck, I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore! And when I try to imagine what getting even older will be like, I cringe! The changes that have already overtaken me are the pits!! I hate the aches and pains, the lack of spring to my step and the widening waste band! The wrinkles, the cataracts, the depleted hearing ... all of it sucks! How do I get to the place of peace through all this? How do I reconcile and accept this season of life? 

I went on a Vision Quest back in 1999 to Bear Mountain, known by the locals as Bear Butte, in the South Dakota Blackhills. The first night out, I camped at Ft Robinson State Park, NE. Early the next morning after packing up my camp and before I drove on to South Dakota, I took a drive on a back road to look for a buffalo herd I knew was close and came across a burned area of the park instead. I was drawn from my vehicle and hiked among the blackened logs that glistened with morning dew and admired the way new shoots of grass covered the blackened ground, along with wild flowers that sprouted haphazardly all around. As the sun climbed higher in the sky, the dew looked like diamonds glistening all around and with the mix of shadows, I remember that early morning country side looked breathtaking! 

But, what struck me the most, was that all that beauty arose amid the ashes of destruction. What was once, was burned away in a raging fire and forever changed. Over the scars had bloomed an array of beauty and peace. Eventually the new growth would overcome the scars completely and what reminders of the painful blaze that would still be left, would take some digging to find.

As I get older and the blaze of my life subsides, maybe I, too, will sprout with a newer beauty that is not dependent on the old shell. Maybe, as I reflect on that burned valley, that touched my heart long ago, I can stop looking at what I hate about getting older and look for beauty amid the ashes. Maybe that's how I will find a place of peace and reconcile and accept this season of my life. Maybe.

Besides, what a whiner! I whine for Spring to chase Winter away, I whine about growing older! I whine and that is sad ... there are many in this world that won't have the opportunity to grow old/older. And there are many in this world that are living in a world of pain. And there are those that are suffering rather it is Winter or Spring or whatever season of life they are in.

Whining is like ice. It freezes one immobile! It can even burst the container! Whining turns a heart cold. 

I need to stop whining. I need to look not at the ice or loose hope that it won't melt. Spring will come, the ice will all melt and getting old will be like a banner worn to prove I'm a veteran of this life. Suck it up, Sandy and just live!