Carl and his older sis.Fall is ending far too soon!
November recorded this years first snow.
A meteor shower close to a full moon,
Fell asleep at the foot of my bed,
Nothing to see when clouds cover the moon,
Making everything dark like in my heart,
Along with heavy thoughts filling the room.
So the eyes shut and I sink in,
Later even dreams came full of gloom.
This is the time of year when the blues roll in,
When childhood memories loom,
And no matter how old I will get,
Fall will always end way too soon,
With Christmas comes a new set of woes,
And I fight drowning in the all familiar gloom,
Residue left behind from a damaged child's soul.
I've written before of my struggle with the holidays at the end of the year. I've shared some of the nightmare in which my two younger brothers and I played key roles for more than five of our most innocent young years.
Yes, the past should be left there or let go of and not haunting me as it has over the rest of my life. Even after much counseling over the years, I should be an expert at healing myself. Why do I forget what my life-saving counselors often remind me of, that time will heal and soothe the triggers. And as I recognize the triggers and open up about those dark times, they are so right, the power to disable me has been and is, less.
Just when I think I am doing well ... I stumble.
Why is this gloom coming in with such a gut busting blow this year? I really don't know for sure. If I put my 'expert' hat on, I recognize that there are number of issues closing in and I have no power to 'fix' anything. Give it to God, you say. I try to. My fifth read through, of God's Word, has me recently 'stuck' in Ezekiel. It's probably not a good place to be reading through when struggling with depression. Ezekiel is full of doom and gloom.
What are the number of issues raining on my life parade? Ready to read a novel? No? I'm not ready to write it either. So here are a few snip-its:
I'm overwhelmed with alarm at the economic tsunami that is drowning the globe, and how the leaders of our country seem blind to the real issues and are throwing out lead weights, instead of life jackets, to those of us floundering in the rising financial flood.
The Penn State Sex Scandal, where Jerry Sandusky raped young boys over a period of time and no one stepped up to STOP it... this was a trigger I recognize that punched the biggest blow to my emotional gut and spawned some of my holiday gloom ... I remembered ... only ... I was a little girl witness, and, unlike McCleary who now says he didn't run when he stumbled in on the rape, I ran. I was afraid. The man in my memory, had also raped me and would again ... even after I told someone. Yes, this very public sex scandal has set off some major triggers. My inner child is struggling with wanting to hide behind that couch of long ago. A place where I briefly felt safe. ... is there a safe hiding place? Maybe now that couch has transformed into this gloom, as my safe hiding place?
The holidays always remind me how financially poor I am. Sometimes I wish I never got married. Usually, I would go into debt for Christmas and spend the rest of the year paying it off. After this marriage, I could not get those quick loans anymore. Now the bank wanted some paperwork to secure them and the interest ... well, let's just say that I worked hard to become debt free and financially responsible and now they wanted my husbands name on the loan ... nope, that wasn't gona happen. So I join the Christmas Club these last four years but struggle to save more than $300. Ever try to shop, especially this year, with $300? This may buy me the gas I need to just get to the stores ... then I can window shop, dream and wish for a lottery win. Well, loved ones, your gifts this year will be meager sums to put towards your own dreams. ... oh and alot of love! ♥ Yeah, I know, that should be priceless, right?
Ok, guess that's a few of the snip-its and as I re-read what I've written, so far ... well, maybe I need some help, again, to sort. I've not scheduled any counseling this year ... yet. I've been telling myself to buck up and do what I know I can do and be content with the rest. 'Let go and let God' is my mantra but I wallow in this inner turmoil and self pity, believing they are my punishment for a life full of mistakes.
Self pity is one of my stumbling blocks. Maybe I should add that to my snip-its above. I should be chastising my self pity because, at the least, my life has a home to hunker down in and hide if I want. Not so with the one surviving brother of those childhood nightmares ... Halloween weekend I discovered he was homeless. His holiday gloom is far darker than mine. Why should I even be whining!
When I learned of Carl's struggle and tried to help, I was blocked from every angle. Folks who had more ... told me no and after my heavy sobbing, told me, only temporarily would they help. Folks who were struggling themselves, told me no. Understandable. But my heart hurts because I offered them a home when they were down and I was still struggling financially then, too. Helping them, wiped out my savings. Some folks were burned out from brother Carl's obnoxious drinking problem. He'd only been sober for a few weeks and this was because he didn't have any money to drink. No, no and no! :(
So I left him off the next day, after putting him up in a motel room that night, (Thank you, my dear husband, for paying for that room.) and as he unlocked his bike, chained to a sign in a public park, he tells me not to worry ... he's going to keep trying to find work and a home and if it doesn't work out ...
So ... fall rushes out and winter closes in. I'm powerless to stop the flow so must find a way to float and not drown and find Hope when all seems hopeless.
