Today is Black Friday. This is an American label to the Friday after Thanksgiving that kick starts the Christmas shopping extravaganza! I clarify the label with 'American' as today was the first day this craze was introduced in Great Britain. Sad to say, like us, it opened with a violent frenzy, fights, destructive behavior and injuries suffered by both the shoppers and the clerks. Last year even a death by crushing was attributed to this craziness. This day is not over, but no death, in either country ... yet.
For me, this is the blackest of Black Fridays and I'm not even shopping. I awoke to a cloudy sunrise, not really in any particular mood, and proceeded through my morning routine like usual.
First stop ... the bathroom. This tends to be where I wake up the rest of the way, since it is the physical desire to pee that moves my sleepy body to find relief. And, as usual, my cat, Mushi, just HAS to sit on my lap. Not to keep me company or glad to have me up and about, but to push, prod, and purr at me to pet her ... non-stop! In fact, if I don't start petting soon enough for her, she will reach up and pat my cheek. 1st one is soft but I dare not let her try again as the second pat may have some claws out ... darn cat! She rules the commode roost!
After brushing my graying hip length hair, the gray hidden most of the time under a blond bleach, and a quick brush of my teeth and wash of my face and hands, I patter out to the kitchen. I push the preheat button on my early Christmas present from brother Carl. It is a Keurig that I have been eyeing ever since they first hit the market. If I hadn't of been gifted this coffee brewer, I'm sure I would be one of those unlucky shoppers risking this Black Friday violence to get what I've been coveting for a long time. Instead, I'm home safe, and I lifted the handle and popped in a K-cup to brew a cup of green tea.
As the tea brews I do a 5-10 minute Yoga routine and today, while also listening to the familiar Keurig noises as it fills my cup with tea, I remember the wide eyed look my brother had as he presented me with my early Christmas present. That night he had also handed me the receipt so I could take it back if it didn't work properly and when I seen how much he had spent, I knew he had spent most of his Christmas Club money on my gift.
I had mixed emotions that day, nearly a month ago. I was ashamed at coveting something so expensive and humbled by my brother wanting to get me something he'd heard me go on and on about. I did tell him, he shouldn't have as I hugged him and thanked him profusely! He told me he wanted to thank me for all I had done for him. I'm humbled with every cup of tea/coffee/cappuccino/hot chocolate that I drink from that Keurig!
So, tea in hand, I head upstairs to my quiet spot for a bit of prayer and meditation and Bible reading. Today ... this is where my mood began to cloud ... just like the morning sky outside.
I'm reading in Jeremiah. This is my 7th or 8th time reading the Bible all the way through, and I try to read a chapter or two or more a day. Today I finish Jeremiah by reading the last seven chapters. And when done ... I sat ... and felt over whelming waves of despair. I felt and still feel like ... the biggest loser alive! Why?
Those last few chapters in the book of Jeremiah are full of doom for a people of old that turned their back on their one true Lord and chased after idols, gods of others and refused to believe Jeremiah's prophecies which we now know came true. Why should reading those chapters trouble me? They recorded something that happened so long ago. Why do I feel like there is a connection to this present world of people? Why did I/do I feel like history is repeating itself?
I spent the next hour or so, reflecting on my family and all that was going on past and present. It just seems like there is so much on every one's plate. Are we all so wrapped up in our difficult lives that God feels completely ignored and is bringing more difficulties down on all of us as judgement?
I have no answers.
My phone jingled a text from a friend. I ended up texting the despair I felt and a partial answer was given, in that, my friend reminded me that I was stuck in seeing God as a vengeful, angry, unforgiving God and had forgotten that He sent Christ, a new covenant with us, to redeem us and forgive us. A God of love not doom.
I felt better but still weepy and broken. This time of year is a trigger for the blues in me anyway. And with more on my plate this year than years past and no idea how to empty it ... I feel overwhelmed. Alone. Like God Himself has turned from us, like He did in those days of Jeremiah. My friend also reminded me that the enemy was on the prowl.
Let go.
The rest of this day was spent, watching the NE vs Iowa football game and putting up the Christmas tree. The Husker win put a smile on my face, as did the finished tree.
I have since fixed a meal of Thanksgiving leftovers, polished off a bag of Hershey's Cherry Cordial Kisses (better than drinking but not much), and returned to my first dose of vitamins that was on hold while I was taking some antibiotics. Maybe the antibiotics amplified my depression?
As this Black Friday draws to a close, and I lay down my head, the despair is less and my thoughts ...
I have no answers.
Let go.
I'm so glad I couldn't go shopping,
On this,
The blackest of Black Fridays.
