WHEN TIME RUNS OUT YOU PUNT!

It is hard for me to believe that tomorrow is the last day of 2013. It seems every year slams by faster than the year before. Or is it one of the many 'gettin old' symptoms? All I know it I run out of time EVERY year now that I've managed to survive 60 years! 

SO ...  I GIVE UP!

I give up trying to finish. I will do what I can do and if I catch up, GREAT. If not, I will do the best I can and let go of that which isn't priority ... or just let go because I was doing something that didn't need to be done anyway!

I give up trying not to get old. It is inevitable. I'm there! I will not get younger and don't have the millions to pretend to be younger so I will just be. I can take care of what is left of me and try not to rush this inevitable process. Oh, OK, and I will ...

Give up complaining!! I waste too much time whining about stuff!! Complaining is an action crusher! It may be easier than changing, but it is also a great burden that makes my mountains bigger and nearly impossible to climb over!

TIME HAS RUN OUT!

I'm glad this year is over. And I don't even want to finish the posts I've drafted to fill in the spaces my blog has suffered from this year. It would take too much time and time has run out.

I started this blog a few years ago in the hopes of fine tuning my writing and maybe gleaning a wage from something I love to do. I'm not sure what I was thinking! It hasn't really done either for me. Maybe if I settled on a theme, instead of just rambling, or find a passion to share with readers, my hopes could still be realized. I best figure it out because time is running out on me.

TIME TO PUNT!

I need to get as far as I can in my life game ... before this last quarter ends. As 2014 begins, I need to review the game plan. What is working, what hasn't helped me at all and where do I want to finish? 

I want to win. Winners train, endure and develop their skill. I don't even know what game I'm playing now in this last quarter of my life. I've endured but my skills are limited, maybe even diminishing, and my training sucks! Self-trained. Should have known that wouldn't get me far! I need a new Trainer. 

Tomorrow is the last day of 2013. This year will end in a quiet fashion here in the Harrison home. No party here, and not planning on going out. Grandson is staying with us and is young enough not to feel he is being punished. We may watch an old movie, shoot off a few fireworks and, most likely, be in bed before midnight. BORING if we were those young party animals we use to be, but just right for the old farts we've become!

So ... Happy New Year and may your new year be blessed and your life game plan full of winning plays!

2013 in pictures:

Still Here ... but Still Behind!

I got my desk top back and hopefully ... fixed. The new, privately built unit, ended up with a bad disc. Had a new one, with less space, put in. Didn't want to wait for the 1-2 week shipping of a new disc, and Deaver Computers had the smaller one in stock. I was given a $25 in store credit for the exchange. No comment, yet, on rather I was wise in this exchange or stupid.

So, I'm still here, but still behind. Before I can finish my back posts currently in draft, I must find two years of pictures that Aaron didn't get transferred to new disc. And if you all knew how un-tech I am, you would understand my frustration with this fix. I tried to get Aaron to help me but with his answer of, "maybe it's time you learned," leads me to believe I must LEARN this myself. GRRRR! 

He's right, of course, I must learn. To grow my blog and to grow my photo skills ... I must learn. 

And for me to learn ... time ... 

On top of finding lost pictures, I'm struggling with Blogger and getting my posts to look the way I want. Again, I need to LEARN!

Well, for some reason, learning has become a real challenge these days! And takes more time! Why?

I need more time,

So very hard to find!

May never climb out,

Or have any clout!

As it all comes at me,

Faster than I can see!

All I do is scramble,

In this life's gamble!

Doing what I can,

My own biggest fan!

One thing at a time,

One day at a time!

And maybe it will be done,

So I can have some fun!

And not regret,

Or always fret!

But finally finish,

Not at all skittish!

And stand tall,

Knowing that's all!

For now,

Somehow,

I'm still here,

My dear!

And still behind,

Yep still behind!

IT CRASHED!

Remember that new desk top computer I had built for me? IT CRASHED! I just got it back from computer doctor last evening but haven't re-hooked it up yet today. I'm feeling a bit nervous! It does seem a bit strange to me that most of my electronic stuff has crashed FREQUENTLY in the past two years. Sure, some things, like the old desk top, were more than 9 years old. But the 3rd router was brand new. Router number 6, is still working and it's been over a month now! (Got my fingers crossed!) However, this last router, a Linksys, had to be taken back to Staples when first new one wouldn't work. Why so many routers, you may be wondering? Or not. Well, let's see if I can paint ya the picture ... Belkin went down in June 2012 with the Internet service and Internet service tech hooked up an old Netgear I had when he came to repair service. In Feb. 2013, that old Netgear went down when the Internet crashed again but unlike Internet service, it never came back up so a new longer range (and more expensive) Netgear was installed. In April 2013, again, the Internet service went down and, again, the Netgear didn't come back up. We got our money back from Best Buy and went on a quest but couldn't find another router we liked as well so we tried the same Netgear but purchased it from Staples ... a mere 50 miles away from us, compared to more than 250 miles ... only to have it crash with our Internet service (yes, this was becoming a regular, annoying occurrence) in June 2013. (Yes, I thought it was interesting that this router business all began in June a year earlier AND with each subsequent Internet crash! Any ideas out there?) A new Netgear replacement ensued and within that same month of June 2013, the Internet and Netgear crashed AGAIN! Staples issued a money card and with it the Linksys was purchased at the end of July, with a NEW protection plan ... which I normally don't purchase but started to with Netgear purchase from Staples and with all my electronic purchases, from then on, due to this nightmare, which wasn't yet over. (Is this the grand design of such plans? Do they know this stuff is trash to begin with?) As I said above, this new router had to be returned for a working one. (Yep, still have my fingers crossed!) Oh, and that Internet service? I first signed on in February 2012 with USA Communications. Where we live, out here in the Nebraska Sandhills, we are limited on available Internet service and this was the best for the most reasonable fee and much faster than the Verizon Internet card we had. But every storm that showed up on the horizon meant no Internet service and in a few months would also mean a new router with nearly every crash. (Again, I'm hoping someone reading this blog will message me with their ideas on why!?) Well, in June this year, USA Communications was bought out by Prairie iNet. And on July 31st, SHOCK, the internet crashed with a storm BUT Linksys stayed up. On August 12th it crashed again with a pending storm. I called and vented my frustration and a tech by the name of Charles (they don't give us last names anymore) explained to me that all the upgrades would mean interrupted service periodically. Funny what a little information will do to calm a frustrated caller like me. At the time of this post the service is much improved AND the Linksys router is still working! Life goes on amid failures and frustrations. These electronic failures have amplified my belief that nothing is forever and some things are a blip on the life screen. I won't give up! I will persevere! So, now, off to hook up the fixed (fingers crossed for this, too) desk top. A bad drive crashed the new desk top before I'd even had it a month. Will it give me near ten years like my ole Dell? Or will it be one of those blips? If all goes well, and computers all stay up and running .... maybe I can get this blog going on a more consistent ramble. Maybe?

WHERE OH WHERE HAVE I GONE?

No, I did not abandon my blog. But I do wish I could abandon my life, lately. I know, I know, I'm a pansy! A few things go wrong and I'm ready to jump the off the life ship. I assure you this is a temporary setting for me. I have to whine before I cry out to my Lord and surrender and rest in the faith that He and I will work this out together. And then I turn my attention to others and discover my life stress is minimal compared to theirs. I wonder if God rolls His eyes when I'm in whining mode? I'm just posting this note today, in the off chance I have some regular followers, to enlighten ya all that along with all the crazy things going on in my life ... my computers all decided not to work properly. After struggling to get milk out of a turnip, I finally went with a new desk top that I had built and now have both the old Dell desktop and the Dell laptop in for repairs/clean-up. I love my newly built desk-top and am excited to be back on line. Now I have to catch up. So, have started a bunch of drafts and after adding pictures and editing them will publish them when completed. If I have no regular followers, guess this is a note to self. And that would be a norm for me ... talking and writing notes to me to keep me on track in my life that is full of ... stuff. Stuff that I sometimes want to abandon.

Once A Month Blog?

Once a month blogging seems to be my forte lately. This is NOT my goal for this blog but I'm overwhelmed in my life right now and often take to sulking in my recliner and doing nothing in the hopes that life will calm down. Professionals would label me 'depressed'. I hate labels.

The Boston Bombing was April's trauma and included in my last post. This months trauma is the Moore, OK tornado. What trauma will unfold in the media for June, I wonder. I hate trauma.

Next month is my birthday month. I will turn 60 this year. Hard to imagine me at ... 60. I get a big shock every time I look in a mirror or see a recent picture of myself. I don't look like I think I should look. Which is really funny, because before all the wrinkles and jowls took over, I didn't think I looked like everyone else said I looked. My days of turning heads as I walked into a room have been replaced with me jumping, bumping and waving my flabby arms to get attention in that same room. I should feel lucky. I'm invisible now. I can go anywhere and do anything and not be on any one's radar. I use to blame my attractiveness for drawing perverts to me. Now I wish I could hear a cat whistle once in a while or just one of those, "you don't look your age", that I use to get so often. Am I vain? Not anymore. I hate not being vain anymore.

As I bring this post to a close, I can see various clouds gathering again to possibly dump some more moisture. Everything is so green. My favorite color! How is it that beauty can accommodate Mother Nature's violent whims! Life in general seems like that. Bitter sweet. Clouds milling around in a mix of wispy and building thunderheads, accompanied by a wind that whispers and then suddenly bellows, pushing and pulling at everything in its path. Life, too, is a mix of calm and storms. It all can be so overwhelming. I hate overwhelming.

THE WORLD TILTS TOWARDS MORE CHAOS AS WE CLING TO JUST LIVING

THE WORLD TILTS TOWARDS MORE CHAOS ...


I try not to be afraid. Why is violence becoming the norm for making a statement? What kind of statement deserves the destruction of innocents? I don't understand. What I don't understand, often scares me. The Boston bombing ... there are no words I can convey to express my shock, anguish and despair! Another why to pack away in my trunk full of whys.

I try not to be afraid. I have some awesome memories as part of the support team that followed my girlfriend as she ran in the Lincoln  Marathon 2009. I remember taking pictures and celebrating with everyone at the finish line. I even blogged about it. (If interested in my memories of that time look in my Labels under Best Friend Moments. Blog begins with pictures under title My Lincoln Marathon Hero May 2009. Sorry, I still need to learn how to link stuff.) I can't imagine what it would have been like if some very sick soul(s) had bombed the marathon. My heart hurts for those folks in Boston who had their innocence shattered and nightmare memories to heal from. My trunk of whys is getting so full!

I try not to be afraid. There seems to be a race to what can be the most horrible act for acclaim. Is this the predicted path to end of times? Soon nothing will be left untouched. Soon we will be at risk in every area of our life for some one's sick claim to fame and martyrdom. Why? Is this God's will? Not my God! Apparently some god's are very violent and their worshippers the most dark. My God is not revealing answers to my whys.

I try not to be afraid. So, I pray and cling to faith that the God I worship understands and He will reveal the answers to my whys in due time. I pray that I may endure and not become like those I fear. When I turn to praying, the fear is less. I feel helpless to stop the chaos, but I know prayer is a tool of power. I may not be able to stop the attacks and get lost in the whys, but I can pray myself into the Lord's arms and know ... 

 He will give me strength,

To go on living each day,

In spite of my fear.

He will go with me as I walk,

This path He has put me on,

And not let fear stop my life travels.

He already knows the race I'm running.

I will be taken when my path ends,

But not before He's ready.

He wants my faith that in Him I can trust,

No man can do to me what isn't planned,

So in His care I put my fear.

 

AS WE CLING TO JUST LIVING ...

The world reels and in my small corner of it, we cling to just living.
My last post found me reeling from some family hurt. I used it to get drunk and feel sorry for myself and cling to some anger/hurt at the way my little brother, Don, and his family moved back to Arizona and left our family home, that he was caretaker of, in such a dis-respectful mess! I'm full aware of the dysfunctional dynamics of most of my family (self included) but did not expect the actions of little brother, Don.

I learned a lot and am now alert and won't let myself be vulnerable again. Donny called me and was in distress and needed help. He had back issues that I would understand, two years later, when my own back brought me down. With Mom in the nursing home, the family home needed a caretaker.

Don moved from Arizona to the family home, hoping that not having to pay rent as the caretaker and lower living expenses would be a help as he pursued medical help for his back. At least, that is why I thought he moved back home. Now, I'm not sure.

Long story short, he and his family were not happy here and the medical help for his back was refused because he didn't have insurance and was unable to work full time with his limited abilities due to back/leg pain. The doctors he did find required money up front before they would operate. And he was wearing out his welcome mats with most of the Pain Specialists in the area.

The rest of Don's family never felt like Ogallala was home. Many other issues clouded their stay here, including my own temper tantrums that I threw a couple of times. I fully admit to not doing my best to make their stay feel like home. But I won't take the full weight. It was probably best for them to move back to the place they felt most at home.

Now, more than two months later, I'm letting go of the anger and hurt. I'm trying to take responsibility for my part in the pain and I haven't been drunk since March 1st. I pray for God to help me be aware, resolve to change what I can, bless ALL of my family and let me not be the one who shames them.

Brother Lynn (Carl) and I have been cleaning and repairing the family home for these last couple of months. We are finally seeing a beautiful home emerge and the smoke smell is nearly gone. It has been wonderful to see Lynn put his all into the cleaning and decorating. I believe I will be able to trust that he will be the most awesome caretaker of our family home.

Out of all our family members, who would have thought? Lynn, has suffered much in his life. A fall from a two story window when he was 2 years old and landing on his head, made him a true miracle. He survived. Then he was severely abused by Mom's second husband and most of the blows he received by that man were to his head. Again, he survived. But the damages have impacted his life.

Everyone in the family is fully aware of Lynn's difficulty in comprehension and learning. He was placed in special classes most of his young life and his slowness was often the target of bullies. His older brother, Mark, became his guardian for most of those school years. Mark would fight with Lynn's bullies, as well as his own, when he spent two years in a leg brace for a bone disease in his right hip. (Why bully kids that seem different, poor, and/or weak? But Mark had a weapon in those days, his crutch. Now-a-days he'd of been expelled for waiting until those boys were in range and then swinging his crutch in a half moon thrust and knocking them off their feet.) This guardianship care would continue off and on throughout the boys adulthood.

When Lynn was diagnosed with cancer in 2000, Mark and his family, took him in for most of his treatment and recovery time. Before Lynn had fully recovered from his cancer, Mark was diagnosed with a terminal liver disease and would need a transplant that he never got. The tables turned and Lynn stayed on with the family to help care for Mark. It was fitting, though so very painful, for Lynn to be the only one with Mark when he died five years ago.

When Mark died, Lynn was lost for a while and ended up homeless. He had friends and family that would offer a bed or couch to crash on. But when he was drinking, folks weren't comfortable around him. He is unable to drink past a couple of beers without being a turd. So Lynn spent many a night under the bridges of Lincoln, NE when his drinking controlled him.

Seems drinking has always clouded progress for most of my siblings and it never makes our life easier. We grow most when we try to live without alcohol or drugs.

Maybe being homeless for a while was Lynn's saving grace. The various odd jobs he was able to snag never gave him enough money to buy both alcohol and cigarettes. Maybe being homeless for a while helped him decide that drinking more than a couple of beers just wasn't worth the solitude it brought him and it sure didn't help him find a job.

I guess it was lucky (or God) for me that my brother was unable to find stable employment in Lincoln because when my back surgery was scheduled last year, I called him and asked him if he would come to our home and help me during my recovery. He proved to be an excellent caregiver and a great cleaner!! He even surprised my husband with how easy he was to have around. (Not sure what my husband expected.)

Too much history? I thought maybe it would define the bigger picture Lynn's life has been in. It has been a rough life and through most of it he has never been on his own. Independent. For the first time he has this opportunity. He needs a guardian, still, and I guess I have now taken on that responsibility. I don't mind. Maybe I can make up for my past failures with other family members. I pray that God will guide me to be a blessing and not a bad example.

So, again, who woulda thought?

Out of all of us kids, Don was most able to care for the family home with his skills in construction, maintenance and his wife's skill as a bookkeeper. But they left the home in worst repair than when he moved in. Screens trashed, smells, garbage in two rooms and under deck, ruined carpets and some cheap floor changes. And they bolted from Ogallala, leaving a trail of debt. I took care of the house insurance but the rest is their responsibility. When we learned of Lynn's homeless status, I asked Don if he could move into the upstairs room. No. I've begun to see Don's abandonment of the family home as an asset, now. If Don hadn't of moved back to AZ, Lynn wouldn't have a place to call home.

Mark died before ever getting a chance to try living in the family home.

And me? I am unable to maintain the family home. I am a very poor woman and my husband is ok with helping out with some minor things but does not want to be involved any more than that. He prefers his own empire to care for. Should he leave this life before me, then I would probably move back home. It's the only home that my name is on. It was Mom's gift to her children.  

So Lynn has been chosen. Mom would never have chosen Lynn. She may have thought he could not handle the responsibility. She would be so surprised and proud of this son that she was often embarrassed by. The way she would want the home looked after is the way Lynn will look after it. 

God chose Lynn. All the unpredicted doors opened to make this possible. He was homeless. He now has a home. No food for it, yet. But I have faith that, too, will be taken care of before this week is out. And work?

My brother got a job! He put in so many applications and was  beginning to feel discouraged when the call came in for an interview. He did a little happy dance and was so excited!

He is working in housekeeping for one of our local motels. When he went in for his interview, we noticed that there were a couple of other fellas working in housekeeping, so he didn't feel alone. They hired him on the spot and encouraged him to work up to cleaning 5 rooms a day, with the possibility that he could add hours, later, doing minor maintenance work.

He has worked four days now and they have already praised him for his cleaning skills! He reached a 5 room day his second day of work! Thank you, Lord!

I'm thinking I will be relieved to finally have the family home cleaned and occupied and Lynn settled in with a job and a budget to live on. I will look forward to being there for him and watching him live as he has never lived before. Maybe now I can turn my focus, elsewhere ... like some garage sales to get rid of all my 'stuff', a trip to Bear Butte, a husband that is retiring by June .... yep, life goes on and this is just the living we all cling to!

WHY LIE?

WHY LIE?

I wish I could say I've never lied.
Or could promise to never again.
I wish no one would have lied,
Or faked being my friend.
But when it is family telling lies,
The heart is broken from within.
And the trust, most sacred, dies!
And where do we begin again?













February full moon and traffic on Hwy 26 make for a dancing light show in previous picture and this above picture shows the lights in more real time.




How is it that things can change in a moment? I got drunk on March 1st! It was a very determined act of ... stupidity! I was angry and disappointed and had a totally 'screw this' moment!

I had been missing my baby brother, Don, and his family and feeling guilty that I had not taken more time in the four years they lived as caretakers of Mom's home, to cultivate a closer relationship. I was mooning over the question if it was too late to recoup SOME kind of relationship now that they had moved back to Globe, AZ since the weekend after Valentine's Day. But on March 1st I went into our local insurance office to pay on car insurance and get Mom's house insurance changed from my brother Don's care to my care. So, I pay the car insurance. House insurance had lapsed since Jan 8th!!! I suddenly wasn't missing my baby brother and his family anymore! I was livid! Shaken! SLAMMED! Shit!!!

Great day to get drunk! Who wants to stay sober anyway? It doesn't stop the world from stealing my joy! It gives me a moment of sheer ... WHO GIVES A SHIT! ... before the hangover takes over and I'm holding my head and crying for mercy! AND when sober is back ... the brokenness is still hurting. Getting drunk didn't solve a darn thing!

I tried to get a hold of my brother but he didn't return my calls/texts until today. Here it is, four days later ...  and he calls. Finally. He tells me the insurance was paid. I ask for proof of payment. Should be easy to prove, right? But I know the truth. Sad.

Today, it doesn't matter anymore. I will do what needs to be done. I will re-insure my Mom's home and help my brother Carl settle in. Yep, my homeless brother will finally have a place to lay his head. He will become the new caregiver of our Mom's gift.

We've spent the last few days cleaning the upstairs. I really HATE cleaning up after smokers. But Carl and I have scrubbed the walls, ceiling, and floors and the lack of respect for Mom's home is washed clean! The brightly painted walls, that brother Don actually painted, looked awesome.

I've enjoyed working on our family home with brother Carl. He is such a hard worker and cleans well. It is the first step of many. Get the house ready for his care. Then/and apply for gainful employment so that he can maintain ... survive ... live as best he can as the new care giver of our family home.

One brother exits in a most complicated way, only to run when things don't go his way. Another brother moves in to succeed where one gave up. God gave each an assignment. Each chooses according to the way their heart beats.

CoPYcAt

So,
You want a copycat,
Someone who acts like you,
Thinks like you,
Moves like you,
Is even skinny like you.
I thought you liked my way.
This way is better, you say?
"That's not the right way,"
I'd hear another day.
And "I don't like that," you'd lament,
As I'd think, "I don't want to relent!"
Then you'd decide to define,
Explaining, "this is all mine,
You're here on my time,"
You'd always say.
Never aware of my dismay.
So,
Each day I'd disappear,
And the days turned into a year,
And much more time came with much more fear.
On the outside is the shell,
The copycat you trained so well.
But the inside is dead,
While the shell is misread.
For the one you once loved,
No longer believes in that love.
All has died and turned black,
You forgot I was part of the pact.
Did you ever even want just me?
What happened to being unique?
So,
The things I do now your way,

Most of which clashed with my way.

When you cancel one,

The balance is undone.

But all this you knew.

Claiming unbalance creates anew.

While one is weak,

You take your training seat,

Breaking down the rest,

Until your copycat is confessed.

Soon,

I will be complete,

Another you is quite a feat.

Congratulations!

I'm your copycat.

 





Coffee Break Series #3 ~ LOVE

February is celebrated as the LOVE month. Valentines Day is one of my favorite holidays and 'Love covers a multitude of sin' is one of my favorite quotes. But this February, I'm not in a celebratory mood. This year, love hurts.

I'm missing my daughter and her family. Not having my kids within hollering distance hurts. There was a time when I couldn't wait for my kids to grow up and start out on their own life journey. What was I thinking!

I must remember that my husband is missing ... too. Sure we can call and he is so much better at this than I am. He calls his Mom and son nearly every week. I don't like to talk on the phone. I do like the internet media tools. I appraise him of family news that I read from posts to Facebook. I guess, together, we can keep in touch and shorten the miles now between everyone.

It's just not the same.

I will adjust. This hurt will pass. I can still love from afar.

And another family member moved away from this Ogallala hometown. My baby brother, Donny, and his family moved back to Arizona last weekend. He came back to Ogallala .... and after nearly 4 years, they just weren't happy here. So he and his wife, Rose, and grandson, Nick, loaded up the moving truck and went back to be near son, Ryan and family. I sooooo understand the desire to be nearer one's kids/grand kids!

I regret I didn't show more love to my baby brother while he was here. It's a two way street that neither of us worked too hard at traveling. But I'm the big sister and should have been an example. Is it too late? Maybe for a face to face coffee break, but the miles apart should never hold love at bay. Right?!

So, the town of Ogallala has shrunk by two families dear to me. My personal world has shrunk to two. Hm ...

Well, it's just you and me bud!
My best friend of 27 years.
I love you, my husband,
And instead of so much fear,
That all this change demands,
And instead of holding hurt dear,
I turn to you , my husband,
And look to draw near,
And on growing love stand,
That may shed a few tears,
But with no repremands,
Because it's you and me, dear.
Let's strike up the band,
And love up the rest of our years.

I had to take another picture of my coffee mug, showing the picture on either side of the quote. The self-potrait is photo of my husband and I, taken not long after we got married. One of our wedding gifts was the 'Together' Willow Tree figurine, also pictured here. On the tag that labels the figurine is this note:

For those who have found their true partner in love and life.

I believe I have been blessed with my warrior, my friend, my true partner and together we are growing in love and life. We've endured much, stumbled often and even gotten lost a few times. Our opposites seem to pull us back together to make us stronger. Through it all, LOVE is the key. ...and adventure!

WHO SAYS A BIRTHDAY IS CELEBRATED IN JUST A MOMENT?

My husband has celebrated his 60th for near a week now. As well he should! 60 years of life is something to be celebrated, right!

I must admit it near went by without any fanfare. I was planning a big bash for this year ... only, it was to happen in June, the month I turn 60. (Gee, that sounds so selfish!) I wanted a poker run where folks could take a putt somewhere on our favorite 2 wheels, though 4 wheeled vehicles were not going to be snubbed. And a poker run is difficult to plan during his January birthday month, thus the reason for a combo bash in June. (Weather ... not selfishness, was my reasoning, see?)

After the poker run, that was to end at our place in the sandhills, we could all enjoy a catered in meal and a band or DJ or Karaoke, or all three, to round out that celebration time. I was encouraging camping in our huge yard and maybe even a Sunday morning breakfast, again, catered in, since it would be sad if we had to work at such a celebration. I was thinking this celebration would encompass our birthday celebrations of 60 years, a wedding reception we never had, and a great excuse to bring our friends and loved ones together for something other than a funeral!

BUT, hey, before you get excited about this shindig, it isn't going to happen! Why? Well, it was like pulling teeth every time I brought these plans up to my husband. It truly wasn't something he favored. And, I got tired of trying to get him excited about such a celebration. So I quit planning for June! When back surgery took me down in Oct/Nov/Dec ... I didn't plan anything for my husband for January, either.

When a friend asked me what we were doing for my husband's birthday, I didn't know. I asked my husband and an 'open house chili feed' was hatched for last Saturday (a week from today). I had two days to make calls (I'm sure I didn't call someone inadvertently. Sorry!) and get the chili fixings and set up a place in his shop for folks to stop by and have some chili, drink a beer and call my husband an 'old man'!

Even though it was such a short notice, we were pleasantly surprised by how many were able to drop by. Four bikes rumbled in for a quick bowl of chili, a beer, and a hug of gratitude that they came for a short time before they had to head back home. The low 50 degree temperature was not the best for a Harley ride. But we were sure glad they toughed it out. The rest made it out in their favorite, warm, 4 wheeled rides. :)

Our favorite time during this birthday open house was when the 5 year old grandson of one of our friends talked us in to playing musical chairs! My husband and I were missing our grandson and so it wasn't hard to get us involved. What a joy and lots of laughs when the other couples got involved! And, yes, we let this little guy win!

The following Sunday found my husband and I cleaning up after the party and giggling over some of the memories. Once we got our cleaning done, the rest of the day was spent watching movies. Wonderfully relaxing, which those who know my husband, is very difficult for him to do. He's my work-a-holic. 

I think it is very interesting that my husband's birthday fall's during the 'Wolf Moon'. This is the first year I really paid that any heed.







The 'Wolf Moon' photographed by my husband. He bought a new camera for 'us' to use. Since he was an art major in college at the UNL, with a photography minor, I am thrilled to see him get re-involved!







Several years ago I did my version of a 'Vision Quest' to Bear Mountain near Sturgis, SD. I've shared some of my experience in previous posts but not the whole experience. Someday I will write the whole story. But not today, since this post is focusing on my husband's 60th celebration. It is a story that begins with a dream about a wolf and it wasn't until THIS 'Wolf Moon' that I recalled that dream and was struck with the 'misinterrupertation' of that dream more than 12 years ago. Sorry, that's a story for a later blog.

Anyway, on the following Monday, the day of my husband's actual birthday, he was first greeted with several birthday wishes on a show sponsored by the local radio KMCX 106.5 country station. For a few minutes before the 8:30 am mark, folks can call into the 'Good News Program' and wish friends and loved ones Happy Birthday. I know you city folk probably find that kind of program hoaky but we love it here in the country sandhills, small town USA.

My husband works for the local power company and he paid a fellow worker and friend to bake him some treats to have during coffee break, that day, for all his co-workers. Are you wondering why I didn't bake something up for his special day? If you knew my cooking skills, you would not have to wonder at this! He said it was a great hit and he even got a surprise and meaningful birthday serenade from one of his coworkers!

Before he came home from work, he said he was also surprised by a bouquet of flowers in a beer mug that arrived from my daughter, Shelby and family. By the time he brought em home at the end of the week .... even the cats loved his mug-o-beer-flowers!

For the evening meal on this special day, I baked potatoes. Both white and yams. I re-heated my 7 bean chili, left over from Saturday's open house chili feed, and poured that over the chosen potato that had been prepped with butter and grated cheese, and topped with a spoonful of cole slaw. (Yikes, cole slaw! Yep, the flavor is awesome together!)

This was all served on our lil two topper table (I bought at a garage sale) which I covered with a 'black' table cloth and added a candle to. I had 50's music playing in the background on DISH. Poor guy. Since I was born in the 50's, too, and remember those songs playing all the time my Aunt Patty babysat my brothers and I ... I couldn't help but sing along. Yep ... poor guy!

He poured Chaco Canyon Pale Ale into his favorite etched glasses (that prevent the foam ever from running over the rim of the glass) and brought them to the table, where a spring salad with diced carrots, red onions, and apples sprinkled on top, and a splash of ranch & honey mustard dressing, were added, to finish our meal out.  AND he didn't act like my singing was that unbearable ... really. :)

It was romantic and special. In a normal setting, we often eat, in our favorite chairs, in separate areas since our TV interests are more often different. It was a nice change for a birthday!

Throughout the week, my husband was warmed by the greetings,  several cards and calls that he received to celebrate his birthday. And, finally, on Friday, Feb 1st, anyone who wished to, joined us up at the Open Range restaurant/bar for burgers and beer.

This final celebration was attended primarily by his work comrades, whom he considers friends. What a great time! It was awesome to also see some retired friends that we hadn't seen in a while.

Now, here it is, a week after his first party. My husband had a bit too much fun last night, and appears to be moving a bit slow today. I marvel at his ability to drink as much as he did and not have the kind of hangovers that would keep me down for near a week. The good thing about me not drinking like that anymore is that I can be available to help him pull wire in his shop on this beautiful Saturday (remember, this is my work-a-holic) ... instead of worshiping that porcelain god for a few days.

So, a week of celebration should be time enough to welcome in the 60th year of life, right? Who says a birthday is celebrated in just a moment?

I, for one, am grateful for this guy. He has helped grow me over the years we've been together. I can only hope that I, too, have been such a 'spice' to his 60 years (and growing) of life.  

WHERE IS THE SUNSHINE? LOOK WITH YOUR HEART!

I'm in shock. It is a new year! AND, if you are reading this,  you survived the apocalypse of 12-21-12 along with me. I never really thought the world would end so that isn't my 'shock'. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around the truth that I'm still here experiencing life after years of trying or wanting to die. I NEVER dreamed I would survive ME and, now, the year I turn 60 has arrived! Here, by the grace of God, go I!

So, besides housing my 60th year, what does 2013 have in store for me? If January is any indicator then I can count on CHANGE. The year opened with the sandhills blanketed in a couple of inches of much needed snow (need more!), my recovery from back surgery surpassing expectations and my daughter and her family moving back to her favorite home town, Lincoln, NE.

I'm obsessed with change being a constant, complaining about it and panicking that it (CHANGE) is slamming me at a blinding rate! What is the secret to slowing the pace down? Please, if anyone is reading this and has some insight, I welcome your thoughts and ideas. Otherwise, I seem to be stuck in surrendering to the lack of control and feeling defeated as much as I feel honored to have this opportunity to witness all the change.

 



My daughter and her family moved from their corner rental in Roscoe, NE  of the last four plus years, to a home they bought. Their 1st real home on a corner lot in Lincoln, NE. This was a change that I knew was coming by February of this year but I was caught by surprise when Shelby called, the second weekend in January, to say they had most of their stuff moved already. Whoa! She confirmed this was not planned but she was so excited when so many dear folks had showed up to help. What was planned to be a weekend of moving a few items to their new home, turned into a mass exodus with her husband's family driving back and forth across the state to help. Awesome people!

 

I should be happy that my husband and I missed out on all that work. We have been her primary movers for most of her life. Instead, I felt like the sunshine had been darkened over in my life. All I could do was cry. I was full of memories and chest tightening feelings of loss.

 

I remember when she called me, seemingly a life-time ago, to ask if she and her then, boyfriend, could come stay with us until they could get back on their feet. I had the wonderful opportunity to watch both of them grow and become the more awesome couple they are today.

 

I remember when they told me I was going to be a grandma again! Never will I regret the choice to downsize my cleaning business so I could be the care giver for my grandson! Anyone, willing to listen, will hear of the blessing this was to me.

 

I have a history. Those close to me, know it. This time with my grandson helped me heal the guilt of my lousy parenting skills with my own son. I was a child abuser with my son. I've posted some of my history and the lessons learned over the years, in earlier posts. The cycle was/is broken! My grandson gave me the gift of assurance and faith that one can change the dark into sunshine when they sincerely surrender the darkness! Once an abuser, always an abuser is a myth! 

 

I remember when Patrick asked both 'father's' for Shelby's hand in marriage! Both Patrick and Shelby had grown so much by then! Both were in good jobs and had settled their family in the rental at Roscoe and were ready to celebrate their choices with friends and loved ones. What memories that time invokes in my heart. A time of joy, stress and love! Sheesh ... I still have your wedding pictures, Shelby! Where's the scrapbook and photos I had planned to work up from them? Wasn't that my plan back then? Shel, if you read this ... I give you permission to nag me to get my butt in gear! BEFORE another year goes by! (Darn, another thing to add to my growing list of to do's in 2013! Will I ever  CHANGE my procrastination issues!)

 

Memories can comfort and heal most loss. Memories can shine out or darken the heart. The memories of this time that Shelby and her growing family spent in Ogallala for the last several years shine out. And now they are all on a new adventure. Shelby was born in Lincoln. Her Dad's family is in Lincoln, so she will have family close. I don't begrudge them all this wonderful opportunity to grow in another chapter of their life. I will miss seeing them as often but we are only a text or phone call or a Facebook post away! AND I love their new home! I will pray for it to be more full of sunshine memories!!

 

The most treasured thing about their move was when Shelby's daughter choose to stay with her Nana and Popo the last week of their move. This eldest grand-daughter normally would choose to hang with her Rodriguez family. She seemed to have a stronger bond with this family then with us. I wish I could say I was very mature about this bond but I must admit to feelings of rejection and hurt. So when she came to stay with us for her last week in Ogallala, I was moved to tears. Like with grandson, this was so healing to my heart. I believe it gave Justice and I some much needed time to talk and find some common ground to understand each other on.

 

It was with a heavy heart that I drove Justice to Lincoln after that week, wishing so, and telling her, too, that she might choose to hang at Popo's and Nana's til the end of this school year. She was upset at having to move about as much as she was excited to move. She didn't want to leave her friends and wasn't looking forward to trying to make new friends in Lincoln. But she was ready. She didn't want to hang in Ogallala longer ... she didn't want to go, either. But I think she was ready.


~*~*~

I would like to take this moment, just in case my dear grand-daughter would read this post, to tell you, Justice, that I love you! We love you! This home is always your home. You matter to me. You were my first grandchild. I was there when you were born and oh, what a miracle that was!! You were such a beautiful baby and you are growing into a most beautiful woman. I understand your inner confusion more than you know! I don't have all the answers but I'm always here for you. I will listen. I will hear your heart and give you a love that has no expectations (except maybe that you'd pick up after yerself, but that's something good for you, right?)! I wish I was a better example of tools to glean from, to help you deal with the world's darkness. I'm so sorry. However, I am full of faith, hope and love to shower you, Justice, with forever. And when the day comes that I am physically gone, know I will find a way to remind you, I left you all my faith, hope and love and a Key. A Key ...  to finding the rest of what you need when you become willing to use IT.

~*~*~

So, January is ending with Shelby and family all moved, my husband turning 60 first, my back showing continued improvement, and another snow flurry leaving behind a slight snow cover to open February with. No sunshine. Cloudy and cold. But with my heart I will look to tomorrow and seek to share the 'shine' in spite of the clouds. Besides, clouds are temporary. The darkness is only a moment.

Focus.
Turn on the light.
Do what needs to be done.
Let go of all that hinders.
AND believe that I'm still here for a reason. Dieing is something everyone is going to do. Living is something only a few ever really learn to do. Me? I'm still learning how to live.
I'm still in shock that this year I will be 60.
From here, by the grace of God, go I.

And so it is, as I end this post and go to click on 'publish', the sun has come out and flooded my world with sunshine.