January 2010

The year has begun. Off to see AVATAR and kicking the 'after holiday blues' which can wreck havoc on one's immune system. The year came in on an ill note, has uncovered more aches and pains and introduced my heart to a sense of hopelessness. After all, I'm nearly 57 years old. Never thought I'd make it this far. Take a deep breath, fill these aged lungs with one long draw, pushing the abdomen out and on a slow, mouth closed exhale, sink the abdomen towards that aching back. Take another breath and think light. Exhale and let all shadows, all dark, flow...no blow, forcefully, out the nose. See it leave your body and dissipate. Breathe in light. Deep, slow breaths until there is no more dark to let out, no, to force out. No more dark, hopeless shadows.

Now let's move on to February. Take down the Christmas and Snowmen decorations, pack them away and bring out the red and all the heart decorations. Hearts. I love hearts. Just because of the hearts, February is my favorite month. Hearts symbolize love to many. To me? Yeah, I leave a heart in my facebook feed to send my love. And when I think, love, I also think it in hearts. Red symbolizes passion to many, anger to others, blood to a few. To me? Red can be that and more, much more. Anyway, maybe February will be full of light? Full of red and full of hearts. No more dark, hopeless shadows.

SEASONAL FOG

I'm recording a post so I can hold the date to record. As I go back on older posts, I see where I was sick near when I began this blog nearly a year ago. I need to note that. Can my feeling poorly be connected to the season? This is a whopper of a cold and it came on suddenly (3 pm Sunday) and has progressed quickly to me using alka seltzer and other over the counter aides to keep such miserable symtoms at bay. So just a note...as I grab my Kleenex box, my Lavender Spike Oil, my tea and my heating pad and return to my easy chair...and recover. So later....as I fade into a seasonal fog.

The Self Trunk

I'm stuck in my self trunk again!
It's my favorite place to hide.
No one know's I'm here in my den.
No one tries to look inside.
And so I fill this space within,
With very personal treasures from my life.

This self trunk is my retreat,
When I loose my confidence,
When I turn back in defeat.
When I loose my survivor sense,
And choose not to see or greet,
Each new day with Spiritual wonderment.

This self trunk is my safe space.
The small confines are well known,
And I can go at my own slow pace,
And not be attacked by the unknown.
Yes, a safe, comfortable place,
That welcomes me like I'm home.

The self trunk is all about me.
I don't want You here.
I like the choice to peek,
To lift the lid and peer,
And it doesn't mean I'm weak,
I just try not to need You here.

My self trunk can be a prison,
If I get stuck in here for long.
And I'm stuck in here now, this prison,
Where I've lost the reason to belong,
Where I've lost my mission,
To survive and be strong.

Yes, I'm stuck in my self trunk now,
And I need to get out to become again.
Lift the lid of burden and step out!
Become involved as a friend to my friends,
Accept what this dreaded age will allow,
And live the time left without end!

The self trunk is a place to hide,
A survival skill in some ways,
A retreat from the stress outside,
But not a place to stay for days,
And if they grow to years, one can die.
No, this trunk is no place to stay.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 2010

A fog rolled in last night and when it lifted this morning, everything was frosted white. If you compare this picture to this blogs opening picture, note the little apple tree is dormant. No green apples, no coyote....just frosty winter white.


NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS 2010

That time of year again. A new year brings a yearning for new beginnings, passion for changes and a hope that transformation is possible. We can transform, right? So, out comes the pad and pen and a list of to do's is about to begin.

Looking to the past old years and reflecting on changes, it is important to check the course. As the years build upon each other, is the course a stable one and do the years of memories bring on a flood of joy?

Nope.

At best, these last few years bring on a stream of joy and a weary soul that is embarassed to be nearing 60 and discovering her course is not any closer to stable than when her years were young.

So here I am, keyboard to finger tips in place of pad and pen, and about to begin to review, reflect and charter a new course with a new list of to do's, in my New Year's resolutions for 2010:

1. I resolve to continue not praying for myself. Disappointment is blinding me.
2. I resolve to let go of the chains of the past and forgive more, starting with me.
3. I resolve to be better than I have been, even yesterday, to stop pitying me.
4. I resolve to get out of the ME trunk, since right off the bat, the first three resolves end with ME!
5. I resolve to be close to God again. I don't hear him like those first few years when I 'Vison Quested' to Bear Butte near Strugis, SD in the late 90's, early 2000. Did I hear Him after 9-11-2001? When did that 'Still Small Voice' become so silent? I need You God! I need to hear you! And, yeah, this should probably be my first resolve! Getting closer might just mean putting God 1st and then box up the rest of these resolves and put them in His trust.
6. I resolve to sell most of my stuff and clear out most of the clutter in my life. (Note to kids: I will sell only what you don't want, so let me know what you want.)
7. I resolve to get more organized and stop...no, cut back might keep this resolution from failing, so...get more organized and cut back on my procrastination.
8. I resolve to find something I love working at and finish these last few years doing that which I love. I'm so tired if 'having' to do...I really want to 'love' to do.
9. I resolve to take better care of this body God gave me. I have made so many adjustments over my 50+ years but I have many more, yet, required of me.


to be continued....