SAM'S THOTS: 01/01/2013

I'm in shock. It is a new year! AND, if you are reading this, you survived the apocalypse of 12-21-12 along with me. I never really thought the world would end so that isn't my 'shock'. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around the truth that I'm still here experiencing life after years of trying or wanting to die. I NEVER dreamed I would survive ME and, now, the year I turn 60 has arrived! Here, by the grace of God, go I!

So, besides housing my 60th year, what does 2013 have in store for me? If January is any indicator then I can count on CHANGE. The year opened with the sandhills blanketed in a couple of inches of much needed snow (need more!), my recovery from back surgery surpassing expectations and my daughter and her family moving back to her favorite home town, Lincoln, NE.

I'm obsessed with change being a constant, complaining about it and panicking that it (CHANGE) is slamming me at a blinding rate! What is the secret to slowing the pace down? Please, if anyone is reading this and has some insight, I welcome your thoughts and ideas. Otherwise, I seem to be stuck in surrendering to the lack of control and feeling defeated as much as I feel honored to have this opportunity to witness all the change.

My daughter and her family moved from their corner rental in Roscoe, NE of the last four plus years, to a home they bought. Their 1st real home on a corner lot in Lincoln, NE. This was a change that I knew was coming by February of this year but I was caught by surprise when Shelby called, the second weekend in January, to say they had most of their stuff moved already. Whoa! She confirmed this was not planned but she was so excited when so many dear folks had showed up to help. What was planned to be a weekend of moving a few items to their new home, turned into a mass exodus with her husband's family driving back and forth across the state to help. Awesome people!

I should be happy that my husband and I missed out on all that work. We have been her primary movers for most of her life. Instead, I felt like the sunshine had been darkened over in my life. All I could do was cry. I was full of memories and chest tightening feelings of loss.

I remember when she called me, seemingly a life-time ago, to ask if she and her then, boyfriend, could come stay with us until they could get back on their feet. I had the wonderful opportunity to watch both of them grow and become the more awesome couple they are today.

I remember when they told me I was going to be a grandma again! Never will I regret the choice to downsize my cleaning business so I could be the care giver for my grandson! Anyone, willing to listen, will hear of the blessing this was to me.

I have a history. Those close to me, know it. This time with my grandson helped me heal the guilt of my lousy parenting skills with my own son. I was a child abuser with my son. I've posted some of my history and the lessons learned over the years, in earlier posts. The cycle was/is broken! My grandson gave me the gift of assurance and faith that one can change the dark into sunshine when they sincerely surrender the darkness! Once an abuser, always an abuser is a myth!

I remember when Patrick asked both 'father's' for Shelby's hand in marriage! Both Patrick and Shelby had grown so much by then! Both were in good jobs and had settled their family in the rental at Roscoe and were ready to celebrate their choices with friends and loved ones. What memories that time invokes in my heart. A time of joy, stress and love! Sheesh ... I still have your wedding pictures, Shelby! Where's the scrapbook and photos I had planned to work up from them? Wasn't that my plan back then? Shel, if you read this ... I give you permission to nag me to get my butt in gear! BEFORE another year goes by! (Darn, another thing to add to my growing list of to do's in 2013! Will I ever CHANGE my procrastination issues!)

Memories can comfort and heal most loss. Memories can shine out or darken the heart. The memories of this time that Shelby and her growing family spent in Ogallala for the last several years shine out. And now they are all on a new adventure. Shelby was born in Lincoln. Her Dad's family is in Lincoln, so she will have family close. I don't begrudge them all this wonderful opportunity to grow in another chapter of their life. I will miss seeing them as often but we are only a text or phone call or a Facebook post away! AND I love their new home! I will pray for it to be more full of sunshine memories!!

The most treasured thing about their move was when Shelby's daughter choose to stay with her Nana and Popo the last week of their move. This eldest grand-daughter normally would choose to hang with her Rodriguez family. She seemed to have a stronger bond with this family then with us. I wish I could say I was very mature about this bond but I must admit to feelings of rejection and hurt. So when she came to stay with us for her last week in Ogallala, I was moved to tears. Like with grandson, this was so healing to my heart. I believe it gave Justice and I some much needed time to talk and find some common ground to understand each other on.

It was with a heavy heart that I drove Justice to Lincoln after that week, wishing so, and telling her, too, that she might choose to hang at Popo's and Nana's til the end of this school year. She was upset at having to move about as much as she was excited to move. She didn't want to leave her friends and wasn't looking forward to trying to make new friends in Lincoln. But she was ready. She didn't want to hang in Ogallala longer ... she didn't want to go, either. But I think she was ready.

~*~*~

I would like to take this moment, just in case my dear grand-daughter would read this post, to tell you, Justice, that I love you! We love you! This home is always your home. You matter to me. You were my first grandchild. I was there when you were born and oh, what a miracle that was!! You were such a beautiful baby and you are growing into a most beautiful woman. I understand your inner confusion more than you know! I don't have all the answers but I'm always here for you. I will listen. I will hear your heart and give you a love that has no expectations (except maybe that you'd pick up after yerself, but that's something good for you, right?)! I wish I was a better example of tools to glean from, to help you deal with the world's darkness. I'm so sorry. However, I am full of faith, hope and love to shower you, Justice, with forever. And when the day comes that I am physically gone, know I will find a way to remind you, I left you all my faith, hope and love and a Key. A Key ... to finding the rest of what you need when you become willing to use IT.

~*~*~

So, January is ending with Shelby and family all moved, my husband turning 60 first, my back showing continued improvement, and another snow flurry leaving behind a slight snow cover to open February with. No sunshine. Cloudy and cold. But with my heart I will look to tomorrow and seek to share the 'shine' in spite of the clouds. Besides, clouds are temporary. The darkness is only a moment.

Focus.
Turn on the light.
Do what needs to be done.
Let go of all that hinders.
AND believe that I'm still here for a reason. Dieing is something everyone is going to do. Living is something only a few ever really learn to do. Me? I'm still learning how to live.
I'm still in shock that this year I will be 60.
From here, by the grace of God, go I.