I'm Trying Not To Be Afraid

How does one quell the knot of fear,
That ball of gall,
A total in trepidation,
Of the unknown,
And the known,
The path determined?
I feel good right now.
I know it won't last.
But do I really need surgery?
Will it heal or make worse,
My present lumbar nightmare?
I don't know what else to do.
Seems time is not my friend.
Each year I lose a freedom,
Each year the shots work .... only 2-3 months,
Then pain,
And more pain,
And electrical shocks down the leg,
And that chicken walk,
Making me look like a manikin.
So I'm taking the plunge,
And trusting a surgeon,
To restore my quality of life,
For what remains to be,
My most challenging season.
Tomorrow is surgery.
Yikes!!!
Tonight is a full Harvest Moon.
Truly beautiful!
Sitting on the motel bed,
Drinking lots of water,
And trying not to dread.
But how does one quell the knot of fear?
Even believing God is near,
This ball of gall,
Not wanting to go through this at all,
But not wanting to continue deteriorating.
No more waiting.
This is really the best time.
And praying it won't be my last day here,
That something unpredictable,
Would end my life completely.
No more complaining,
Nor would I get done that pile left behind!
No,
This is not a good time to be pulled away.
Praying this surgery will work.
And for the recovery to be quick.
I do trust that God has this all under control,
And I'm ready to roll.
But along with the choice,
The Trust,
The desire to live life in fullness ....
How do I quit feeling afraid?

VOICES I WISH I COULD HEAR AGAIN

Over Labor Day weekend, my husband and I took a trip back East. Our Labor Day weekend destination would be Council Bluffs, Iowa to see our dear friend Bill Davis. We spent Sunday night with Bill in his home and then parted ways, with me returning home to Ogallala and Ron going East towards the Mississippi River. He was beginning his big trip to Wisconsin, Michigan and Canada. A three weeker that was suppose to go to Maine for Lobster with Bill but got trimmed to two because Bill's cancer finally took the zip out of his sails. He felt too ill to go. As we all said our good-byes and headed three different ways ... there wasn't a dry eye among us.

Bill died sometime between Sunday night, September 9th and Wednesday September 12th when his body was found by his sister-in-law ... on the floor ... in the same place his wife, Eva, had died just under two years earlier. She had MS. (Multiple Sclerosis)

Two very beautiful people ... gone before we were ready. And the tears are still flowing.

Will finish this when the pain is less. ♥

Moments of reflection:

One of my favorite pictures of us. We did a lot of laughing in those early years! I loved her laughter! ♥

What a voice. What a heart. He introduced my husband and I to John Prine and every time I hear a Prine song I think of this friend. I loved his effort to be involved in life. He reminded me of Sam Elliott and I would often embarrass him telling him so.

Well, you are on another journey, my friend. We won't see your pickup in our drive anymore, nor see you on your Harley, riding in the mountains. But we may still hear your Harley if your daughter, Kasey, rides it as she plans. The rumble of your Harley, the John Prine songs, your voice still captured on the voice mail ... all will remind us of the hole in our hearts.

You would hate that I posted this reflection of you, Mr Bill. So if it bothers you enough, then I say GOOD! Come chew me out, like ya use to about my drinking. (You'd be happy to know I'm still not drinking, too.) I would welcome your wrath. :) I didn't have a chance to say goodbye at a funeral, or memorial, or ....  That's cool. That was what you wished. This is MY wish. This is my goodbye, my friend. :(