I try not to be afraid. Why is violence becoming the norm for making a statement? What kind of statement deserves the destruction of innocents? I don't understand. What I don't understand, often scares me. The Boston bombing ... there are no words I can convey to express my shock, anguish and despair! Another why to pack away in my trunk full of whys.
I try not to be afraid. I have some awesome memories as part of the support team that followed my girlfriend as she ran in the Lincoln Marathon 2009. I remember taking pictures and celebrating with everyone at the finish line. I even blogged about it. (If interested in my memories of that time look in my Labels under Best Friend Moments. Blog begins with pictures under title My Lincoln Marathon Hero May 2009. Sorry, I still need to learn how to link stuff.) I can't imagine what it would have been like if some very sick soul(s) had bombed the marathon. My heart hurts for those folks in Boston who had their innocence shattered and nightmare memories to heal from. My trunk of whys is getting so full!
I try not to be afraid. There seems to be a race to what can be the most horrible act for acclaim. Is this the predicted path to end of times? Soon nothing will be left untouched. Soon we will be at risk in every area of our life for some one's sick claim to fame and martyrdom. Why? Is this God's will? Not my God! Apparently some god's are very violent and their worshippers the most dark. My God is not revealing answers to my whys.
I try not to be afraid. So, I pray and cling to faith that the God I worship understands and He will reveal the answers to my whys in due time. I pray that I may endure and not become like those I fear. When I turn to praying, the fear is less. I feel helpless to stop the chaos, but I know prayer is a tool of power. I may not be able to stop the attacks and get lost in the whys, but I can pray myself into the Lord's arms and know ...
He will give me strength,
To go on living each day,
In spite of my fear.
He will go with me as I walk,
This path He has put me on,
And not let fear stop my life travels.
He already knows the race I'm running.
I will be taken when my path ends,
But not before He's ready.
He wants my faith that in Him I can trust,
No man can do to me what isn't planned,
So in His care I put my fear.
AS WE CLING TO JUST LIVING ...
The world reels and in my small corner of it, we cling to just living.
My last post found me reeling from some family hurt. I used it to get drunk and feel sorry for myself and cling to some anger/hurt at the way my little brother, Don, and his family moved back to Arizona and left our family home, that he was caretaker of, in such a dis-respectful mess! I'm full aware of the dysfunctional dynamics of most of my family (self included) but did not expect the actions of little brother, Don.
I learned a lot and am now alert and won't let myself be vulnerable again. Donny called me and was in distress and needed help. He had back issues that I would understand, two years later, when my own back brought me down. With Mom in the nursing home, the family home needed a caretaker.
Don moved from Arizona to the family home, hoping that not having to pay rent as the caretaker and lower living expenses would be a help as he pursued medical help for his back. At least, that is why I thought he moved back home. Now, I'm not sure.
Long story short, he and his family were not happy here and the medical help for his back was refused because he didn't have insurance and was unable to work full time with his limited abilities due to back/leg pain. The doctors he did find required money up front before they would operate. And he was wearing out his welcome mats with most of the Pain Specialists in the area.
The rest of Don's family never felt like Ogallala was home. Many other issues clouded their stay here, including my own temper tantrums that I threw a couple of times. I fully admit to not doing my best to make their stay feel like home. But I won't take the full weight. It was probably best for them to move back to the place they felt most at home.
Now, more than two months later, I'm letting go of the anger and hurt. I'm trying to take responsibility for my part in the pain and I haven't been drunk since March 1st. I pray for God to help me be aware, resolve to change what I can, bless ALL of my family and let me not be the one who shames them.
Brother Lynn (Carl) and I have been cleaning and repairing the family home for these last couple of months. We are finally seeing a beautiful home emerge and the smoke smell is nearly gone. It has been wonderful to see Lynn put his all into the cleaning and decorating. I believe I will be able to trust that he will be the most awesome caretaker of our family home.
Out of all our family members, who would have thought? Lynn, has suffered much in his life. A fall from a two story window when he was 2 years old and landing on his head, made him a true miracle. He survived. Then he was severely abused by Mom's second husband and most of the blows he received by that man were to his head. Again, he survived. But the damages have impacted his life.
Everyone in the family is fully aware of Lynn's difficulty in comprehension and learning. He was placed in special classes most of his young life and his slowness was often the target of bullies. His older brother, Mark, became his guardian for most of those school years. Mark would fight with Lynn's bullies, as well as his own, when he spent two years in a leg brace for a bone disease in his right hip. (Why bully kids that seem different, poor, and/or weak? But Mark had a weapon in those days, his crutch. Now-a-days he'd of been expelled for waiting until those boys were in range and then swinging his crutch in a half moon thrust and knocking them off their feet.) This guardianship care would continue off and on throughout the boys adulthood.
When Lynn was diagnosed with cancer in 2000, Mark and his family, took him in for most of his treatment and recovery time. Before Lynn had fully recovered from his cancer, Mark was diagnosed with a terminal liver disease and would need a transplant that he never got. The tables turned and Lynn stayed on with the family to help care for Mark. It was fitting, though so very painful, for Lynn to be the only one with Mark when he died five years ago.
When Mark died, Lynn was lost for a while and ended up homeless. He had friends and family that would offer a bed or couch to crash on. But when he was drinking, folks weren't comfortable around him. He is unable to drink past a couple of beers without being a turd. So Lynn spent many a night under the bridges of Lincoln, NE when his drinking controlled him.
Seems drinking has always clouded progress for most of my siblings and it never makes our life easier. We grow most when we try to live without alcohol or drugs.
Maybe being homeless for a while was Lynn's saving grace. The various odd jobs he was able to snag never gave him enough money to buy both alcohol and cigarettes. Maybe being homeless for a while helped him decide that drinking more than a couple of beers just wasn't worth the solitude it brought him and it sure didn't help him find a job.
I guess it was lucky (or God) for me that my brother was unable to find stable employment in Lincoln because when my back surgery was scheduled last year, I called him and asked him if he would come to our home and help me during my recovery. He proved to be an excellent caregiver and a great cleaner!! He even surprised my husband with how easy he was to have around. (Not sure what my husband expected.)
Too much history? I thought maybe it would define the bigger picture Lynn's life has been in. It has been a rough life and through most of it he has never been on his own. Independent. For the first time he has this opportunity. He needs a guardian, still, and I guess I have now taken on that responsibility. I don't mind. Maybe I can make up for my past failures with other family members. I pray that God will guide me to be a blessing and not a bad example.
So, again, who woulda thought?
Out of all of us kids, Don was most able to care for the family home with his skills in construction, maintenance and his wife's skill as a bookkeeper. But they left the home in worst repair than when he moved in. Screens trashed, smells, garbage in two rooms and under deck, ruined carpets and some cheap floor changes. And they bolted from Ogallala, leaving a trail of debt. I took care of the house insurance but the rest is their responsibility. When we learned of Lynn's homeless status, I asked Don if he could move into the upstairs room. No. I've begun to see Don's abandonment of the family home as an asset, now. If Don hadn't of moved back to AZ, Lynn wouldn't have a place to call home.
Mark died before ever getting a chance to try living in the family home.
And me? I am unable to maintain the family home. I am a very poor woman and my husband is ok with helping out with some minor things but does not want to be involved any more than that. He prefers his own empire to care for. Should he leave this life before me, then I would probably move back home. It's the only home that my name is on. It was Mom's gift to her children.
So Lynn has been chosen. Mom would never have chosen Lynn. She may have thought he could not handle the responsibility. She would be so surprised and proud of this son that she was often embarrassed by. The way she would want the home looked after is the way Lynn will look after it.
God chose Lynn. All the unpredicted doors opened to make this possible. He was homeless. He now has a home. No food for it, yet. But I have faith that, too, will be taken care of before this week is out. And work?
My brother got a job! He put in so many applications and was beginning to feel discouraged when the call came in for an interview. He did a little happy dance and was so excited!
He is working in housekeeping for one of our local motels. When he went in for his interview, we noticed that there were a couple of other fellas working in housekeeping, so he didn't feel alone. They hired him on the spot and encouraged him to work up to cleaning 5 rooms a day, with the possibility that he could add hours, later, doing minor maintenance work.
He has worked four days now and they have already praised him for his cleaning skills! He reached a 5 room day his second day of work! Thank you, Lord!
I'm thinking I will be relieved to finally have the family home cleaned and occupied and Lynn settled in with a job and a budget to live on. I will look forward to being there for him and watching him live as he has never lived before. Maybe now I can turn my focus, elsewhere ... like some garage sales to get rid of all my 'stuff', a trip to Bear Butte, a husband that is retiring by June .... yep, life goes on and this is just the living we all cling to!
I'm thinking I will be relieved to finally have the family home cleaned and occupied and Lynn settled in with a job and a budget to live on. I will look forward to being there for him and watching him live as he has never lived before. Maybe now I can turn my focus, elsewhere ... like some garage sales to get rid of all my 'stuff', a trip to Bear Butte, a husband that is retiring by June .... yep, life goes on and this is just the living we all cling to!
