Back to the Bible

Last year, in December, I quit reading the Bible daily. For nearly 10 years, until then, I rose nearly every morning early and put my tea kettle on and did Yoga until the tea pot whistled. Two green tea bags were covered with the boiling water and then, with cup in hand, I would go to my Indian Room (named thus because of all my Native American collections kept in there) for my 'meditation' time. After a prayer time, I then would open my Bible and begin reading where I left off the day before, usually reading 2-3 chapters.

I loved this special time with my Lord! I was often in awe at how He would answer a plea from my prayer time, held earlier. I have hundreds of examples of how the Bible has touched me in very remarkable ways but to share them here would take too long. And very few would be interested in such long 'thots' anyway.

Then and even now, I believe the Bible reaches out to those who seek Him, right at the moment one is ready to 'experience' His Living Word. When I first started reading the Bible, it seemed like 'just" words. I guess, I wasn't ready yet. But a seed was planted in the early 80's and an experience that I don't have time to share, moved me and opened the Bible to me in a way I'd never experienced before.

I began to feel compelled to read and study the Bible. I began to love this special time with the Lord. In the years that followed my second baptism I read more, but I didn't always make a regular time to read. It would happen when I thought I had time. Non-the-less, my desire to read grew and I understood at a deeper level than 'just' words. I think I learned, and over the years have improved upon, the something I read somewhere in His word, the 'listening with my heart'.

I use to read lessons on the Bible that hopscotched me through His Word. The first time I read the Bible through, I was angry. ... and I interpreted my God as an angry God. But later years humbled me and I began to read as though my life depended on it. Looking back ... it did. I don't know when it changed exactly, somewhere in 2000, after a series of emotional ups and downs ... I turned to the Bible. I was broken, like never before and I sought Him daily. If not in reading, in praying and those who knew me back then, know how I hated to pray. Why? I didn't know how. I was embarrassed. I still don't know how to pray. Now I don't care because I know that He knows what I'm trying to say. His Word, the Bible, is my refuge and I liken it to a love letter from someone very special to me. Someone who has my back and will fine tune me. His words give me hope and much as they scare me.

So why would I quit spending time reading such personal letters guiding me in my life walk? Before that day in December of 2009, I was nearly done with my fourth read through. That December I was reading in the New Testament, about Judas betrayal of Jesus. Judas betrayal always troubled me. Some interpret that Jesus chose Judas to be in His inner circle of 12, believing his 'greed' would bring Jesus to His cross.

Why would Jesus pick someone so evil to be one of His followers, just, to betray him? Yes, it makes sense that it had to be someone evil but such a betrayal could have come from someone that wasn't so 'close' to Jesus. And the way Judas felt after, to commit suicide by hanging himself (Matthew 27:5), didn't add up for me, especially the way the Lord is known for Seeing into our hearts.

On that day in December I remember an interpretation that my Mom had shared, several years earlier, that Judas thought Jesus would be king. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with an understanding that Jesus may have picked Judas, not because of his greed but because of his thinking. Judas became a betrayer not out of hate for Jesus but because he believed that he was pushing Jesus into being that promised king sooner (old timers believed the coming Messiah would be made King) and he would have a prominent place in that kingship.

Judas was a character in the Bible that I couldn't relate to. Believing that he was evil, that 'Satan came into Judas' (John 13:27), I thought that I never would have done such a thing to Someone after witnessing miracles such as, raising the dead! ... However, if I thought I was 'helping' a situation, I might. It is possible that Judas didn't betray Jesus out of hate for him or for his greater love of money, but out of warped thinking. When Judas realized that Jesus was not to be the king, he was overcome with remorse to the point of death. If it was only greed that governed his actions, he would not have returned the 30 pieces of silver.

Warped thinking, I can relate to! This is a sin I often fall into! Did it overcome me that December, as I began to think that I may be a Judas in my Lord's plan? As a Judas, I would be used to further the faith in those struggling to find Christ but would miss the true message due to my warped thinking. Was I that self seeking? So, I shut the Bible and didn't return to reading it until July 17, 2010. I was hurt and afraid and DID NOT WANT TO BE A JUDAS IN ANY WAY.

I came back to my Lord's word when I finally came to terms with being a Judas.

"Judas or not, I am desperate for You, Lord!"

I guess if the Lord wants to use me to help someone come closer to Him, than so be it!! If I miss out on the final call because of my warped thinking, than so be it!! The Bible tells me that my thoughts are not the Lord's thoughts and my ways are not the Lord's ways. My destiny has been predetermined, so who am I to question the kind of tool the Lord has made of me.