SNOW ON THE OUTSIDE!

Winter has come to our sandhills today in the form of our first blizzard of 2012. This drought stricken area is now blanketed in white. But it  may not get the moisture it needs, if this blasting wind blows it all the way to Kansas! A quick drive into town, just as this storm hit, had me scurrying back for home in a scary, snow blinding, drive.

I have to go in to work tonight. Scary thought.

For now, though, here, safe ... listening to the wind howl and looking out every so often, to see how high the drifts are blowing ... I'm doing loads of wash. I'm helping my brother, Carl, get all his clothes and sleeping bag ready for his trip back to his favorite home town, Lincoln, NE. He's been sleeping in our basement for nearly two months and on a day like today, I am so glad he has a warm place to hang.
I'm not ready to let him go. It's like the old days when he was just a little boy and I was the 'Momma Hen' looking out for my little brothers. Though he's all grown up now, he still needs a guardian. Someone to look out for him. And he won't let me be his guardian. Nor will my husband let me. So, on this cold snowy day, I'm doin what I can and helping him get ready for his trip home.

My brother is excited about going home. Well, not really home as he is still homeless. Yes, homeless. It's a long story and some of it I have blogged about in earlier posts. Let's just say for now he has been having a tough time and does not have a set place to call home. For the past couple of years he has been a regular camper under some Lincoln bridges or he will stay with friends who open their homes temporarily, especially during bad weather days like today. 
In my mind, this is no way to live. But his age, previous health issues with cancer and a mind that some would label child like,  all limit his employment access. He's a hard worker and a very loyal worker ... as long as he doesn't drink. He can be obnoxious when he drinks too much. He's been too poor to drink much this year. And since I've not been drinking since Feb 14th, his stay here has been very pleasant.

Why is he camping in our basement? When I learned a surgery I was dreading was going to happen Oct 1st, I knew Carl would be such a big help. He may be homeless, but I know how to get ahold of him and so I put out the call and he agreed to come. I could help him with a pillow for his head and he could help me as I recovered from spine surgery.
It has been a very comfortable arrangement, to the surprise of my husband, who, at first, restricted the my brother's stay to only six weeks. I think my husband was worried that my brother could be one of those professional panhandlers and would be a hassel under foot. But he was won over by the calm, quiet, helpful manner of my brother. My husband surprised me by giving my brother a coat for Christmas and even researched some programs that might help give my brother a respectful independence. Surprises can warm the heart!

When it became apparant that I was recovering from surgery much quicker than everyone expected and that I was beginning to fetch my own stuff and could soon drive myself around, I tried to help my brother find work and a place to live in our hometown of Ogallala. I had hoped he would think this was a cool idea, too. But Ogallala isn't the hometown he wants to live in right now. Maybe later, he says. Maybe, should our younger brother not want to be caretaker of our childhood home, he would come back and help keep things from deteriorating there. He may finally have a home, is a thought not lost in my mind.

Anyway, the washer and dryer are both full. Carl is going through his few possesions and repacking it all into one little tote I gave him. And I'm trying not to cry.

Doesn't he know that when he goes back to Lincoln that I will begin worrying again. I have the greatest fear that the phone will ring and another brother will be gone. His health is not the best. No health insurance so he doesn't go to the doctor. His health could be the worst. How can I let this all go?

At least for near two months, my brother has been safe, with a clean bed to sleep in and a fridge to keep his food in and my computer to play solitaire, addictively, on. I will miss him. I've loved having him here and was grateful to celebrate our 'family' Christmas with him. It's been years since we've been together over the holidays. We filled him up on Thanksgiving, too! I'm sure I healed quickly because he was such a great support!

So here I am at the end of the year, dreading all the changes closing in around me. My brother going back to Lincoln is just one of the many changes pending. And his return just magnifies the huge sense of loss that this year has hit me with ... 
... and, as if personal loss isn't hard enough, then our country takes it's own hard hits recently with hurricane Sandy and the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary.  And what the heck! Why does SANDY have to be the name associated with these tragedies? That troubled me enough to change my Facebook name to my nickname Sam. Like that is gona help in some way! Such is MY way, when all I can feel is helpless! So I do insignificant stuff. And feel nearly hopeless!

NO! That's not so. There is ALWAYS  hope!

As 2013 closes in, my heart is so heavy. My brother is going back to his comfort zone. Impending changes ... sheesh even the upcoming 12-21-12 is touted to be an impending .... something ... guess, I will think about that more on 12-22-12 and blog about it if nothing changes to knock out power or Yellowstone didn't blow according to some doomsayer predictions.

For now, the snow is easing and it looks like some of it is gona stay to melt when the sun comes out. Sorry, Kansas. Guess, I'll finish helping my brother get ready for his return ....

Snow on the outside!

Rain on the inside!

The sun will come out!

The sun will always come out!
Or how will the rainbows form inside?!