HELLO?

 I started this blog 15 years ago. I was 56. I'm 71 as of a week ago. 

WOW!

So much has changed since then. I'm in the last season of my life now. and I still don't know what I want to be when I 'grow' up. I've worn many hats over the years. Student, daughter, sister, Mom, auntie, girlfriend, wife, grandmother (Nana) and yet to wear the great grandma hat. 

I've also worked most of my life. Busgirl, babysitter, waitress, McDonald's clerk, bowling alley clerk, drug dealer 😐, special needs caregiver, counselor apprentice, Drug/Alcohol Certified Counselor, model, secretary. Activities Director at nursing home, line worker/secretary/OSHA administrator for an electric component manufacturer, housekeeper in my own house cleaning business for over 17 years caregiver for Mom and brother Carl and finally a clerk in a boutique in my hometown.  I'm retired now.

I've had so many dreams. Not many have come true. I'm flexible. I revise and move on.

Today? It's 0ne Day At A Time. I'm grateful to have made it this far. I'm sure it wasn't by my own power but totally destined by my Higher Power, whom I chose to call God. I don't understand my Higher Power but I do KNOW I've not been alone in all my 71 years.

TsK Tsk Tsk

9-20-2015, Allan Brown died of a heart attack.

Allan was an elder at the Church of Christ in my home church and home town of Ogallala, NE. What a dear man!!!

We moved to Ogallala, NE from Paxton, NE the summer of my 13th year. A new neighborhood, a new school and a new group of friends. Sherrie Lee and Nola French invited me to church and it became a regular pattern for our Sunday's and Wednesday night's at the Church of Christ.

Allan was there, too. He and his wife Mabel and the rest of their family. I don't remember the kids as well as I remember Allan and Mabel. He was one of those members ... always warm and such a gentle soul ... unless you were three rowdy teenagers sitting in the back pews, giggling and not being respectful ... for then Allan, or Mabel, would become shoulder tappers. Or if he and Mabel sat in front of us, he would shake his head and Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, or he would just turn around and look stern. Regardless of what he did, it commanded our respect and swift mode to worship or song. He never let our rowdiness keep him from hugging us or just putting his arm around our shoulders or a loving hand upon our shoulder later.

He was stern and loving and time rigid and yet mostly forgiving. He was a great teacher and answered my questions with patience and honesty. I believe he was the first to tell me, when he didn't know an answer to some of my life question;

"I don't know, Sandy, but God does."

I don't know why such an answer, that really never answered my questions, was such a comfort to me. Maybe because Allan's faith in a God that knew everything and would reveal all one day was enough then and still calms and comforts me today.

I'm glad Allan was one of the first healthy influences for my troubled teen soul back then. I'm also grateful that he never wavered in his warmth and kindness toward me over the years since. Never mind that I'm not a regular church attendee, or that I often visit other church families. Allen always welcomed me and made me feel so at home.

Allan's kindness enveloped my Mother who came to my baptism during that 13th year and started attending regularly thereafter.Years later, both she and her 4th husband (whom I adored) would become members and elders. Allan enveloped our dysfunctional family in such love. Did he know he gave a couple of us a lifeline to change? 

Jesus was mimicked by many of those who were Church of Christ elders and nearly no stones were thrown. No stones were thrown by Allen Brown. He will be missed! I wish he knew how much of an impact he had on my family and I. God knows.

I am grateful I was able to attend Allan's funeral. It was a packed church, proving he touched the hearts of many. It was one of my favorite funerals to date. Can one have favorite funerals and not be considered odd?

A slide show sharing precious memories, a moving eulogy presented by his son revealed much I did not know about the father he loved, and the testimony of Allan's influence by several folks were special moments. 

Allan even wrote the message that was read by the officiating pastor, George Robinson, thereby preaching at his own funeral. A message that helped me understand why a funeral can be a celebration ... a reason to hold onto one's fork because the best is yet to come. Sorry, this is one of those 'should have been there' moments, to understand this fork reference.

Allan's message centered on Revelation 21 & 22, which focuses on Heaven. I had read Revelations 21 just that morning in my regular morning Bible reading. Hm ... I like to think that was a God moment and His way of letting Allan, once again, answer some lingering questions for me. 

I hope Allan would be smiling if he knew that though I don't attend a church regularly, I do read my Bible from cover to cover, over and over, 1-3 chapters nearly every day and have for the last 14 years. I wonder if Allan is where he can hear me talk to God every day and that I pray way more often now then I did when he use to encourage me to pray. 

I wish I could tell him that I'm less rowdy. Though the aging youngster that I am, knows that he would be Tsk, Tsk, Tsk'ing me about my life choices that I make today. Still ... I smile ... though I miss him, I am looking forward to that hug when I see him again and I imagine him saying;

"See, Sandy, God knew. Welcome home."

LIFE IS FULL OR EMPTY DEPENDING ON THE PILOT

Spring is just around the corner and it will thaw all the winter residue and set the pace for the summer blast. Funny how the weather seasons are so predictable in a very unpredictable way. We can predict the possibilities based on the signs, becoming more adept and right, as tools improve, that aide in those predictions. Amazing!

Weather has always intrigued me. If you would have asked a young me 50+ years ago, what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have said a weather watcher. Not one of those that reported on TV but one of those that studied it. Years later, I would learn about becoming a Meteorologist ... but I would become lost in life issues that postponed any kind of education and faded all Meteorologist desire over the years to the present ... where I can ask Siri, on my iPad, what today's weather will be. She graciously tells me and lists the days temps. Weather now at my finger tips! What a concept!

We love it when the grandchildren come to stay for a bit with Po and Nana. We got our first grandchildren stay, this year, when our Lincoln, NE clan had Spring Break during March 9th through the 13th. 

With the warmer weather, we took our annual hike around the rocky beach near Lake McConaughy's Morning Glory. Much of Lake Mac is still frozen and the warmer weather made the ice unsafe to walk on. I watched my family scramble around the rocky beach from paths on the bluffs above. I had been feeling wobbly most of this day and my feet were still hurting. Why were my feet hurting? That is a mystery for me to yet solve. 

From my vantage point I took pictures and mentally compared this hike with past hikes and family time together. These grandchildren are changing fast and with as much predictable unpredictability as the weather. I wish they wouldn't change sometimes. I wish they were still babies, or that we were still in one of those happy family times. But as we all hike today, each of us are dealing with life issues. We are each in a personal struggle or stress, making this hike somewhat strained but worth the effort. We may not have solved all our problems but collectively we hiked away from them for a bit.

The pictures I took seemed so bland .... and like the bland, icy landscape before us, my emotions were just as bland. From my emotional vantage point at 61, soon to be 62, I found I was just as wobbly and full of growing hurts from my life that are leaving me feeling frozen in helplessness. I keep looking for a path, on a bluff, from a vantage point where I can understand what I need to do or to let go of. 

Waiting for the thaw ...

WALMART COMES TO MY HOMETOWN

Wally World is Here!

It finally happened, after years of yes ... then a couple of years of no ... and finally ... my hometown of Ogallala, NE, has its own mini Walmart supercenter. It opened on Wednesday, January 28th. 

The doors opened at 7:30 am and Brother Carl and I were there to walk through, right on time. What an experience!

The Walmart Associates were lined up on both sides and gave a high five to all who entered the store. It sure pumped me up and I found myself trying to high five everyone and yelling like I was a silly school girl!

The opening ceremonies began with the Store Manager who named and thanked those who had helped get the store up and running. There was a flag presentation by our local military guard, the Star Spangled Banner sung acappella by one of the Walmart Associates and speeches that I don't remember but enjoyed the positivity of what was being said. I was more busy watching all the associates around me and how they actually looked excited. Was it a ruse?

Walmart coming to this community has not been accepted by everyone. Who can please everyone, anyway, right? And opposition to Walmart is nothing new, even to them. There are always the reports that having a Walmart come to your town means the death of the town. If that is true ... I don't know of even one. Or the familiar tune that it will put local businesses out of business. That was happening here, long before Walmart was a possibility. There has been an ebb and flow of business in the history of Ogallala from it's onset.

Well, unlike the nay sayers, I am very glad we have our own Wally World! I love shopping in Walmart and it was such a drag to drive 50 to 80 miles to find the nearest store! Interesting enough, Walmart has diversity in their stores so I like to check them all out. 

There are some Walmarts that I don't enjoy because they are usually stocked with boring items and their associates lack the luster I witnessed in our Walmart Associates on it's opening day. I definitely don't like shopping in Lincoln's Walmart, especially since they made themselves hard to find! Why did you move from North 27th and Cornhusker, Lincoln Walmart? Way out East Lincoln is not a draw for me when I come back to visit one of my favorite cities I use to live in. (Unless I'm heading that way for Best Buy, which also disappointed me with their East Lincoln move!)

Anyway, I enjoy shopping at the Sterling, CO Walmart the most and the North Platte, NE store is my second choice. From my experience not all Walmarts are the same. Similar but not the same.

AND I believe having our own Wally World will add to our community. I know of one business already that opened a store here recently, only because we were getting a Walmart store. This store will also be an added source of employment (maybe to the chagrin of other businesses that will now have to compete for a work force) and it offers more affordable selections to a community that was in sore need of such. Many of those disappointed local businesses, are so, because they charge too much for products that we can now get locally cheaper at Walmart. No more lists to make and hold until I'm North Platte bound!

Walmart is an awesome donator to local food pantries, and they will support the community in ways that can help it grow. Heck ... maybe they are the ones to approach for donations/help to bring back a clinic to this community to assist the low income since the community leaders shut it down with lots of excuses as to why. Excuses that don't help those in need. (Please don't message me with the BS that there are only people who sit on their butts and pretend need. In my opinion, you are one of the haters that have never walked a day in 'need' shoes. You judge and complain and refuse to understand .... until you are the one in need. Hmmmm ... watch out for Karma.)

I am excited to see how this Walmart grows on our community and if it will take it's place on my list of favorite Walmarts to shop in.


And who should be filmed in the check out at Walmarts on opening day by KNOP-TV NEWS?

Reviewing 2014

Once again, I marvel at how fast the year flew by! I am still convinced that the older we get the faster time travels away from us! 

It is that time of year ... again ... when I look back at the path I traveled and how far I have come. Each year that path seems longer and at times more difficult. This year ... not so bad ... but ... not the best either.

This was the first year my husband has experienced as a retiree. He loves his retirement! He can ride his Harley whenever he wants and though he prefers a beautiful day, as long as it is not raining, snowing or a day with hurricane force winds, he can be found on his Harley. Otherwise, he can be found in his shop sand blasting something or working on his bike or a friends bike or just enjoying a beer. 

I have enjoyed my husbands retirement for the most part. He does more housework now that he is home more and he has refrained from micro managing my life ... most of the time. I was worried about him last year when his job seemed to stress him and feared I'd loose him to a heart attack. Then, in retirement, I feared he would try to manage all my time. Neither have happened. 

Now, I'm just praying we will grow old together in contentment and good health.

Our home has been especially quiet this year when the grandchildren aren't staying with us or we aren't celebrating our annual 4th of July get together. Two cats and an aging couple make for a near boring life.

Grandchildren are growing way too fast. 

Justice is 16. She enjoys living in Lincoln, NE and has found a home in Lincoln High, her high school. She is still an avid artist and is developing an interest in poetry writing. I look forward to watching what she will grow into and pray for her life adventures to be both safe and rewarding to her. 

Ryenn is 11. She has always had a hard time leaving Dad and Mom for any length of time to stay with anyone. This year she has spent time with us without crying to go home nearly the same day she arrived. What a blessing that has been! She has a sense of humor and is quite the computer geek. Her friends are her life but this year she has made room for Popo and Nana ... and of course, as always, her cousin, Corban. 

Corban is 6. He physically changes each time I see him! So far, personal interests or friends have not kept him from wanting to come to Po's and Nana's whenever possible! I hope that never changes. In fact, he became sick with Mono this November and we had the honor of caring for him for two weeks of his 3week illness. Yes ... honor!

I love being a grandparent!

I love my family!

My son and his wife have endured some hardships over the last couple of years but this year has blessed them with new jobs and new dreams. We were lucky that with job changes that they were able to come spend Christmas with us. We are all looking forward now to the annual 4th of July get together. On a sad note, Billie lost her Dad over Christmas weekend. I pray special memories of her Dad, Bill, will be a comfort and ease the pain of such a loss. 

We had the Harrison Christmas early in December and were surprised by some time with our youngest son. Clint is always a joy to spend time with! He has had a busy year. He and his partner have an exchange student staying with them this year and that has changed the dynamics of home life. Clint is also back in college and funds are tight so we really didn't expect to see him this year! What a treat!

Front row: Patrick, Corban, Eli, Bonnie, Sera, Me, Mom Harrison, Rachel and her husband Hyle.
Second row: Shelby, Rich, Arlene, Clint, and Justice.
Ron/husband is taking the picture and prefers not to be in the picture. Besides, prime rib is getting cold so no time for another picture.


My daughter and her husband are still enduring some hardships this year. We were so glad we got to celebrate Christmas with them in York, NE. Shelby changed jobs and loves her new job as a legal secretary. They have taken on the care of Shelby's godchild and that has put a strain in the mix. But then, my daughter seems to function best when stress is high. She has such a heart and tries so hard that she often forgets to take care of herself or takes the harder path. Hmmmm ... sounds a lot like her mother.

My prayer for all our kids are that they would be blessed financially ... enough to help them decrease the hardships that stress them all. I pray they all will be blessed with fulfilled dreams and lots of family love! And that all changes in their lives will be handled with the utmost amount of grace, and that God will touch them all in special ways.

This year my Mom is still recovering in the Imperial Manor Nursing Home. I keep praying that she will get well enough to come back to her home, the family home, she worked so hard to maintain as a legacy for her children. Her legacy to me is her hard work. I can only pray to offer my family all the gifts she has given me over the years. I am still unwrapping those gifts in my heart and discovering every year how much she has impacted my life

Brother Carl made it to Mom's Christmas party at the manor (above picture) for the third year. He has been such a blessing! He cares for the family home in a way I sure didn't expect. I had thought baby brother Don Gillespie would have been the best care taker, but Carl has been so respectful of her home. And he has been a surprising budget manager with the limit funds he has. What a hard worker! 

Now if he would just consider not smoking anymore because his cough is more persistent. I fear his life span will be much shorter because of it. He reminds me of Grandpa Hall and Aunt Patty. When they were both terminal they kept their passion for smoking alive. "What do I have left?" was Aunt Patty's response each time I'd warn of smoking shortening her life. 

We tried to enroll brother Carl in the new health care by this years deadline. He can't afford the cost and NE refused to enlarge their Medicaid base so he is still without insurance. Hopefully his paltry $6000/yr income will keep the government from fining him and taking more of the money he doesn't have to give! 

More important ... because he doesn't have insurance, and Ogallala closed down their low income clinic, he won't go to the doctor to find out if he has bronchitis, or COPD, or to check if his cancer is back. "Do I eat, or go to doctor?" and "I won't quit smoking anyway." are his replies to me. I don't have the power or resources to help him and this breaks my heart.

So for my brother, my prayer is that God would heal him and bless him with those lottery millions he often dreams about. He buys the cheaper Mega Million ticket, 1 time a week. Lord? 

Finally, this December 27th, my husband and I celebrated our 12th year of marriage. We met on April 19, 1986 but didn't start dating until February of 1987. We split up for a couple of years in 1996 but got back together after deciding that we belonged together. 

It has been a rocky road for us, but smoother than two stubborn hearts could hope for. He is so much a part of my life that I can't imagine my life without him. We have lots of issues to conquer but what changes we've made to date and the dreams we share of the future have made us stronger and more full of love then those first few years together.

Regrets? Lots.

Hope? That's what keeps me dreaming.

I am looking forward to 2015. I will be 62 in June. I hope to retire from my cleaning business in the next couple of years and next year that journey begins with some serious investigation. 

This year I did all the blood workup that needed to be done to determine the stage of my liver disease. That done, I am now waiting to find out if insurance will help me pay for the new treatments that are available to cure me. Since it is so close to the end of the year, I'm guessing that approval, if it comes, won't happen now til 2015. Lord?

I will end this review with a prayer for the next year to be full of blessings, cures and changes for the better!

THE BLACKEST OF BLACK FRIDAYS AND I'M NOT EVEN SHOPPING

Today is Black Friday. This is an American label to the Friday after Thanksgiving that kick starts the Christmas shopping extravaganza! I clarify the label with 'American' as today was the first day this craze was introduced in Great Britain. Sad to say, like us, it opened with a violent frenzy, fights, destructive behavior and injuries suffered by both the shoppers and the clerks. Last year even a death by crushing was attributed to this craziness. This day is not over, but no death, in either country ... yet. 

For me, this is the blackest of Black Fridays and I'm not even shopping. I awoke to a cloudy sunrise, not really in any particular mood, and proceeded through my morning routine like usual.

First stop ... the bathroom. This tends to be where I wake up the rest of the way, since it is the physical desire to pee that moves my sleepy body to find relief. And, as usual, my cat, Mushi, just HAS to sit on my lap. Not to keep me company or glad to have me up and about, but to push, prod, and purr at me to pet her ... non-stop! In fact, if I don't start petting soon enough for her, she will reach up and pat my cheek. 1st one is soft but I dare not let her try again as the second pat may have some claws out ... darn cat! She rules the commode roost!

After brushing my graying hip length hair, the gray hidden most of the time under a blond bleach, and a quick brush of my teeth and wash of my face and hands, I patter out to the kitchen. I push the preheat button on my early Christmas present from brother Carl. It is a Keurig that I have been eyeing ever since they first hit the market. If I hadn't of been gifted this coffee brewer, I'm sure I would be one of those unlucky shoppers risking this Black Friday violence to get what I've been coveting for a long time. Instead, I'm home safe, and I lifted the handle and popped in a K-cup to brew a cup of green tea. 

As the tea brews I do a 5-10 minute Yoga routine and today, while also listening to the familiar Keurig noises as it fills my cup with tea, I remember the wide eyed look my brother had as he presented me with my early Christmas present. That night he had also handed me the receipt so I could take it back if it didn't work properly and when I seen how much he had spent, I knew he had spent most of his Christmas Club money on my gift. 

I had mixed emotions that day, nearly a month ago. I was ashamed at coveting something so expensive and humbled by my brother wanting to get me something he'd heard me go on and on about. I did tell him, he shouldn't have as I hugged him and thanked him profusely! He told me he wanted to thank me for all I had done for him. I'm humbled with every cup of tea/coffee/cappuccino/hot chocolate that I drink from that Keurig!

So, tea in hand, I head upstairs to my quiet spot for a bit of prayer and meditation and Bible reading. Today ... this is where my mood began to cloud ... just like the morning sky outside.

I'm reading in Jeremiah. This is my 7th or 8th time reading the Bible all the way through, and I try to read a chapter or two or more a day. Today I finish Jeremiah by reading the last seven chapters. And when done ... I sat ... and felt over whelming waves of despair. I felt and still feel like ... the biggest loser alive! Why?

Those last few chapters in the book of Jeremiah are full of doom for a people of old that turned their back on their one true Lord and chased after idols, gods of others and refused to believe Jeremiah's prophecies which we now know came true. Why should reading those chapters trouble me? They recorded something that happened so long ago. Why do I feel like there is a connection to this present world of people? Why did I/do I feel like history is repeating itself?

I spent the next hour or so, reflecting on my family and all that was going on past and present. It just seems like there is so much on every one's plate. Are we all so wrapped up in our difficult lives that God feels completely ignored and is bringing more difficulties down on all of us as judgement? 

I have no answers.

My phone jingled a text from a friend. I ended up texting the despair I felt and a partial answer was given, in that, my friend reminded me that I was stuck in seeing God as a vengeful, angry, unforgiving God and had forgotten that He sent Christ, a new covenant with us, to redeem us and forgive us. A God of love not doom. 

I felt better but still weepy and broken. This time of year is a trigger for the blues in me anyway. And with more on my plate this year than years past and no idea how to empty it ... I feel overwhelmed. Alone. Like God Himself has turned from us, like He did in those days of Jeremiah. My friend also reminded me that the enemy was on the prowl. 

Let go. 

The rest of this day was spent, watching the NE vs Iowa football game and putting up the Christmas tree. The Husker win put a smile on my face, as did the finished tree. 

I have since fixed a meal of Thanksgiving leftovers, polished off a bag of Hershey's Cherry Cordial Kisses (better than drinking but not much), and returned to my first dose of vitamins that was on hold while I was taking some antibiotics. Maybe the antibiotics amplified my depression? 

As this Black Friday draws to a close, and I lay down my head, the despair is less and my thoughts ... 

I have no answers.
Let go.
I'm so glad I couldn't go shopping,
On this,
The blackest of Black Fridays.

WHEN WILL I KNOW IT IS SPRING?

I will know it is Spring when the apple trees blossom and the lilacs bloom and the Hummingbird Moths come out. I will also know it is Spring when the garden is planted and everything turns green.


It is Spring. But we are missing the spring rains here in the sandhills. Our country yard is starting to look brittle so we have commenced watering daily. Something we usually don't start doing until mid to end of June. Tonight looks like we may have rain but these looks have been deceiving before. Our family 4th of July time together, this year, may be without fireworks if we don't start actually getting some rain. Lord?

I love Spring! I love the new, fresh, green (remember, green is my favorite color!), growing feel of Spring! 

And school is out in May for my grandchildren. That means they get to come spend time with Nana and Popo. Something we will treasure until the day comes that they will not want to come spend time with us. And that time will come.

Our grandchildren have invaded our home as of May 25th and so our quiet, regimented life is now upside down with activities, squabbles, miller fears, and movie times in the evening. More fun than not and I'm trying real hard not to be stressed about the disarray of the house and they are doing their best at keeping it in some order this time. Better than they ever have. Having these kids here is worth all the stress, laughter, tears, joy, fears and strengths gleaned from our time together. It will be over way too soon.

Just as it was way too soon for their parents to be gone from home.

Just as Spring will be over way too soon.

Just as each season of our life leaves before we are really ready.

WHEN THE ICE MELTS, SPRING HAS SPRUNG

March has brought Spring, but Winter doesn't know it yet. This has been a very cold winter. I'm sure we have had worse over the years but they have been almost forgotten. Time has been spoiling us with fairly mild winters for a few years now and so a harsh winter can make us whine and moan and crave Spring. 

March is nearly over, and the snow has yet to move on. One day it is in the 70's and the next it snows and whips us with less than 10 degrees! As I post this, there is a light flurry adding to the blanket of snow we got yesterday. Icicles hang from the upper roof, just outside my 2nd floor home office window, and I'm wrapped in my mink blanky and snuggled deep into Dad's sagging old recliner, waiting for Spring to come and the Winter blues to go away on this cold white Sunday!

Well, it has been nearly 3 months since my last post. I am at a loss to tell you why. (Should there be a 'you' out there reading this blog.) Maybe when I find a real purpose for blogging, regular posts will appear. For now ... my hankerin for ramblin isn't so regular. 

Today I feel like rambling and what better thing to do on such a dreary, lagging, wintry day then to add some 'thots' to my blog. Right? So walk with me as I stroll through some reflection and pondering of my life in these Nebraska sandhills ... all covered in cold snow ... 

This year I turn 61. I still haven't lost my awe in making it this far in life. When I reflect back over the past 60 .... it is amazing. There is a reason, right? When I spend time with either my grown children or my grandchildren, I feel closer to the reason. 

Me, a grandma? Never seen this coming. I'm grateful for the Lord allowing me to be a grandma ... or, Nana, as I prefer ... because the regrets of my poor parenting skills are softened by the changes I've made to be a good Nana.

And as an older woman, I believe I am far better for my grown children then I was when I was that young self centered mess, stumbling through dark times brought on by poor life skills. The Lord has allowed me to see and experience change and in it came the hope that I could make each regret teach and change me.

I don't like aging, though! It is getting harder for me to look in the mirror and find .... heck, I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore! And when I try to imagine what getting even older will be like, I cringe! The changes that have already overtaken me are the pits!! I hate the aches and pains, the lack of spring to my step and the widening waste band! The wrinkles, the cataracts, the depleted hearing ... all of it sucks! How do I get to the place of peace through all this? How do I reconcile and accept this season of life? 

I went on a Vision Quest back in 1999 to Bear Mountain, known by the locals as Bear Butte, in the South Dakota Blackhills. The first night out, I camped at Ft Robinson State Park, NE. Early the next morning after packing up my camp and before I drove on to South Dakota, I took a drive on a back road to look for a buffalo herd I knew was close and came across a burned area of the park instead. I was drawn from my vehicle and hiked among the blackened logs that glistened with morning dew and admired the way new shoots of grass covered the blackened ground, along with wild flowers that sprouted haphazardly all around. As the sun climbed higher in the sky, the dew looked like diamonds glistening all around and with the mix of shadows, I remember that early morning country side looked breathtaking! 

But, what struck me the most, was that all that beauty arose amid the ashes of destruction. What was once, was burned away in a raging fire and forever changed. Over the scars had bloomed an array of beauty and peace. Eventually the new growth would overcome the scars completely and what reminders of the painful blaze that would still be left, would take some digging to find.

As I get older and the blaze of my life subsides, maybe I, too, will sprout with a newer beauty that is not dependent on the old shell. Maybe, as I reflect on that burned valley, that touched my heart long ago, I can stop looking at what I hate about getting older and look for beauty amid the ashes. Maybe that's how I will find a place of peace and reconcile and accept this season of my life. Maybe.

Besides, what a whiner! I whine for Spring to chase Winter away, I whine about growing older! I whine and that is sad ... there are many in this world that won't have the opportunity to grow old/older. And there are many in this world that are living in a world of pain. And there are those that are suffering rather it is Winter or Spring or whatever season of life they are in.

Whining is like ice. It freezes one immobile! It can even burst the container! Whining turns a heart cold. 

I need to stop whining. I need to look not at the ice or loose hope that it won't melt. Spring will come, the ice will all melt and getting old will be like a banner worn to prove I'm a veteran of this life. Suck it up, Sandy and just live! 

WHEN TIME RUNS OUT YOU PUNT!

It is hard for me to believe that tomorrow is the last day of 2013. It seems every year slams by faster than the year before. Or is it one of the many 'gettin old' symptoms? All I know it I run out of time EVERY year now that I've managed to survive 60 years! 

SO ...  I GIVE UP!

I give up trying to finish. I will do what I can do and if I catch up, GREAT. If not, I will do the best I can and let go of that which isn't priority ... or just let go because I was doing something that didn't need to be done anyway!

I give up trying not to get old. It is inevitable. I'm there! I will not get younger and don't have the millions to pretend to be younger so I will just be. I can take care of what is left of me and try not to rush this inevitable process. Oh, OK, and I will ...

Give up complaining!! I waste too much time whining about stuff!! Complaining is an action crusher! It may be easier than changing, but it is also a great burden that makes my mountains bigger and nearly impossible to climb over!

TIME HAS RUN OUT!

I'm glad this year is over. And I don't even want to finish the posts I've drafted to fill in the spaces my blog has suffered from this year. It would take too much time and time has run out.

I started this blog a few years ago in the hopes of fine tuning my writing and maybe gleaning a wage from something I love to do. I'm not sure what I was thinking! It hasn't really done either for me. Maybe if I settled on a theme, instead of just rambling, or find a passion to share with readers, my hopes could still be realized. I best figure it out because time is running out on me.

TIME TO PUNT!

I need to get as far as I can in my life game ... before this last quarter ends. As 2014 begins, I need to review the game plan. What is working, what hasn't helped me at all and where do I want to finish? 

I want to win. Winners train, endure and develop their skill. I don't even know what game I'm playing now in this last quarter of my life. I've endured but my skills are limited, maybe even diminishing, and my training sucks! Self-trained. Should have known that wouldn't get me far! I need a new Trainer. 

Tomorrow is the last day of 2013. This year will end in a quiet fashion here in the Harrison home. No party here, and not planning on going out. Grandson is staying with us and is young enough not to feel he is being punished. We may watch an old movie, shoot off a few fireworks and, most likely, be in bed before midnight. BORING if we were those young party animals we use to be, but just right for the old farts we've become!

So ... Happy New Year and may your new year be blessed and your life game plan full of winning plays!

2013 in pictures: