Coffee Break Series #3 ~ LOVE

February is celebrated as the LOVE month. Valentines Day is one of my favorite holidays and 'Love covers a multitude of sin' is one of my favorite quotes. But this February, I'm not in a celebratory mood. This year, love hurts.

I'm missing my daughter and her family. Not having my kids within hollering distance hurts. There was a time when I couldn't wait for my kids to grow up and start out on their own life journey. What was I thinking!

I must remember that my husband is missing ... too. Sure we can call and he is so much better at this than I am. He calls his Mom and son nearly every week. I don't like to talk on the phone. I do like the internet media tools. I appraise him of family news that I read from posts to Facebook. I guess, together, we can keep in touch and shorten the miles now between everyone.

It's just not the same.

I will adjust. This hurt will pass. I can still love from afar.

And another family member moved away from this Ogallala hometown. My baby brother, Donny, and his family moved back to Arizona last weekend. He came back to Ogallala .... and after nearly 4 years, they just weren't happy here. So he and his wife, Rose, and grandson, Nick, loaded up the moving truck and went back to be near son, Ryan and family. I sooooo understand the desire to be nearer one's kids/grand kids!

I regret I didn't show more love to my baby brother while he was here. It's a two way street that neither of us worked too hard at traveling. But I'm the big sister and should have been an example. Is it too late? Maybe for a face to face coffee break, but the miles apart should never hold love at bay. Right?!

So, the town of Ogallala has shrunk by two families dear to me. My personal world has shrunk to two. Hm ...

Well, it's just you and me bud!
My best friend of 27 years.
I love you, my husband,
And instead of so much fear,
That all this change demands,
And instead of holding hurt dear,
I turn to you , my husband,
And look to draw near,
And on growing love stand,
That may shed a few tears,
But with no repremands,
Because it's you and me, dear.
Let's strike up the band,
And love up the rest of our years.

I had to take another picture of my coffee mug, showing the picture on either side of the quote. The self-potrait is photo of my husband and I, taken not long after we got married. One of our wedding gifts was the 'Together' Willow Tree figurine, also pictured here. On the tag that labels the figurine is this note:

For those who have found their true partner in love and life.

I believe I have been blessed with my warrior, my friend, my true partner and together we are growing in love and life. We've endured much, stumbled often and even gotten lost a few times. Our opposites seem to pull us back together to make us stronger. Through it all, LOVE is the key. ...and adventure!

COFFEE BREAK SERIES

COFFEE BREAK #2


Addiction ~ dependence on or commitment to a habit, practice, or habit-forming substance to the extent that its cessation causes trauma.

Compulsion ~ 1. the act of compelling; constraint; coercion. 2. the state or condition of being compelled. 3. a strong, usu. irresistible impulse to perform an act, esp. one that is irrational or contrary to one's will.

Compulsive ~ 1. pertaining to, characterized by, or involving compulsion: compulsive eating. 2. characterized by perfectionism, rigidity, conscientiousness, and an obsessive concern with order and detail. 3. compelling; compulsory. 4. a compulsive person.


The Serenity Prayer has a special place in my heart. It came to me as a lifeline back in the late 70's and has helped me sort through my life ever since. I was introduced to the Serenity Prayer when I was committed to treatment at the Hastings Regional Center after a week in the hospital for an overdose that should have resulted in two fatalities. Two? I died, twice, and yet lived. One of many miracles I would experience. AND my nearly 4 year old son survived being left alone in our apartment for over 3 days before anyone knew he was there and rescued him. Another of the many miracles I have experienced in my life. I've shared my story many times and so, in this coffee break I don't intend to share it again. No, I'm fast forwarding from the late 70's to now ... the last quarter of 2012.

I am obsessively compulsive with a compulsion for addiction. I am a lost cause, right? Oh HELL no!!! I am a survivor! I beat the odds every day ... as long as I cling to my lifeline. GOD. 

When I left the Hastings Regional Center after successfully completing their 30 day treatment program ... that took me 3 months to complete back in the 70's, I was taken to a half-way house for women, St Monica's, in Lincoln, NE. From that time on, until now, I've been in a battle for my life. I have been so blessed with the 'teachers' over this time period that have given me life tools to CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN. I am not the same person I was before my treatment. I may have successfully completed their treatment program but successful living has taken much longer. Not even sure I've yet the right to claim success today.

It's been a process. I've have been sober nearly 10 years straight, and have 'fallen off the wagon' off and on for many more years since. December 31, 1997 I layed down all whiskey. And from that time on I tried to rationalize that drinking just beer or wine or liqueurs were ok since I did not drink them to drunkenness. Though this may have been a valid point, for me, I have some health issues that make drinking a danger. For me, the WISEST thing to do is NOT to drink.

I have not had a drink since February 14, 2012. I have more courage to CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN when I choose not to drink. And my liver thanks me.

So I don't drink. That solves my obsessive compulsiveness, right? NOT!

I don't drink but I 'collect'. Some might label my 'collections' as compulsions. And after watching a few reality TV shows on hoarders, I too, am labeling my collections as compulsions. (The one on the woman who hoarded empty boxes was especially enlightening since I 'collect' empty office copy paper boxes. They are great to 'collect' my garage sale items in, for that future garage sale. I think I've got 15 empty boxes to fill yet.)

Let's take a peek at my 'collections':

Clothes and jewelry.

I love garage sales and thrift shops. I'm not in to spending lots of bucks on name brand items when you can find em in a thrift shop. Just give em a good cleaning and wah-lah! I look for unusual items and color coordinated add ons and cosmetic jewelry that intrigues me. (and usually ONLY me) I can't count for you all the jewelry boxes, or clothing items ... this lil room is full ... maybe too full, huh?

Oh and shoes ... lots of shoes ...

and books ... several shelves of books ...

and pictures ... pictures in frames ... thousands, and more, of pictures on CD, on the computer ... lots and lots of pictures.



and finally, pens. I have more than 10 containers of pens. I'm a compulsive underliner in my self help books! I buy those colored gel pens to underline in different colors. I'm due for a new Bible because I've underlined so much that some text is unreadable. I have pens everywhere.

Oh wait ... I also compulsively 'collect' rocks! As a child I use to sit on the sidewalk outside Grandma's house and with a hammer, break em open. I think that was my way of dealing with the trauma I was living with during Mom's 2nd marriage. Once treatment, years of counseling, and lots of soul healing ... the rocks I have all over my house, now, have been collected as is. I can almost tell you where every rock 1st resided. One of my favorite Christmas gifts was a rock given me by my daughter when she was 7.

I'm sure there are more compulsions I have ... this is just a peek.

Is this better than drinking? Only if SERENITY is gained. My compulsions seem easier to tame when I don't drink. But I have too much. It is too crowded. I'm getting old enough now that I need to get rid of 3/4's of it all. What a mess my family will have trying to sort through it all when I move on. 

Drinking or not, I will always cling to this prayer, faith in a God that guides my walk, when I let Him, and the desire to always change what I can to find serenity in the way I walk my life. Serenity for me usually means  SERENITY for my loved ones.

So,

God grant me the SERENITY,

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN,

and the WISDOM to know the difference.

COFFEE BREAK SERIES

COFFEE BREAK #1

What a fine August morning. It's Thursday and as the weekend draws near, it will close out the annual week of the Sturgis Bike Rally 2012. My husband and I didn't go this year. Not surprising since we've never been die hard 'Sturgis or Bust' bikers.

NOT heading up to my favorite Black Hills during Sturgis week doesn't mean I miss out on that rumble that gives ya goosebumps when more than 1 Harley hits the highway. We live right off one of the routes many Sturgis bound riders take. It is a joy to sit on the front porch, like on this fine August morning, and listen to the rumbling Harley's as they ride by either to or from the rally. The more Harley's, the louder the rumble  echoing through out sandhill canyons. It has been a game this year, for my husband and I, to try and guess how many are coming down the highway based on the rumble and seeing who's right at the end of the count as they ride by.

So, here I am on one of these August mornings, listening to the Harley's rumble by and having a coffee break. Drinking my coffee out of my Harley mug and feeling anything but content or at peace. This morning the rumbles are just a background to my mind that is in over drive. I'm not sure how to quiet it. And so I try. Maybe with a coffee break.

Most days I have a coffee break alone. Didn't use to be the norm like it is now. What has changed? I miss the days living in Lincoln, NE when a day didn't go by without a coffee break, some alone but most amid friends.

One of my favorite visits would be with my friend Co, She often dropped by and we'd sit on the front porch swing, drinking coffee and talking over our active lives. Times have changed, and years later, we still get together for a coffee break but miles apart makes for infrequent gab sessions. Cell phones can link us whenever we want ... but it's just not the same.

So ... maybe I can capture the essence of those reflective coffee breaks she and I shared by blogging reflections in a coffee break series, beginning with this one. Comments are welcome. Let's talk over our active lives and maybe settle those minds that are stuck in over drive.