TsK Tsk Tsk

9-20-2015, Allan Brown died of a heart attack.

Allan was an elder at the Church of Christ in my home church and home town of Ogallala, NE. What a dear man!!!

We moved to Ogallala, NE from Paxton, NE the summer of my 13th year. A new neighborhood, a new school and a new group of friends. Sherrie Lee and Nola French invited me to church and it became a regular pattern for our Sunday's and Wednesday night's at the Church of Christ.

Allan was there, too. He and his wife Mabel and the rest of their family. I don't remember the kids as well as I remember Allan and Mabel. He was one of those members ... always warm and such a gentle soul ... unless you were three rowdy teenagers sitting in the back pews, giggling and not being respectful ... for then Allan, or Mabel, would become shoulder tappers. Or if he and Mabel sat in front of us, he would shake his head and Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, or he would just turn around and look stern. Regardless of what he did, it commanded our respect and swift mode to worship or song. He never let our rowdiness keep him from hugging us or just putting his arm around our shoulders or a loving hand upon our shoulder later.

He was stern and loving and time rigid and yet mostly forgiving. He was a great teacher and answered my questions with patience and honesty. I believe he was the first to tell me, when he didn't know an answer to some of my life question;

"I don't know, Sandy, but God does."

I don't know why such an answer, that really never answered my questions, was such a comfort to me. Maybe because Allan's faith in a God that knew everything and would reveal all one day was enough then and still calms and comforts me today.

I'm glad Allan was one of the first healthy influences for my troubled teen soul back then. I'm also grateful that he never wavered in his warmth and kindness toward me over the years since. Never mind that I'm not a regular church attendee, or that I often visit other church families. Allen always welcomed me and made me feel so at home.

Allan's kindness enveloped my Mother who came to my baptism during that 13th year and started attending regularly thereafter.Years later, both she and her 4th husband (whom I adored) would become members and elders. Allan enveloped our dysfunctional family in such love. Did he know he gave a couple of us a lifeline to change? 

Jesus was mimicked by many of those who were Church of Christ elders and nearly no stones were thrown. No stones were thrown by Allen Brown. He will be missed! I wish he knew how much of an impact he had on my family and I. God knows.

I am grateful I was able to attend Allan's funeral. It was a packed church, proving he touched the hearts of many. It was one of my favorite funerals to date. Can one have favorite funerals and not be considered odd?

A slide show sharing precious memories, a moving eulogy presented by his son revealed much I did not know about the father he loved, and the testimony of Allan's influence by several folks were special moments. 

Allan even wrote the message that was read by the officiating pastor, George Robinson, thereby preaching at his own funeral. A message that helped me understand why a funeral can be a celebration ... a reason to hold onto one's fork because the best is yet to come. Sorry, this is one of those 'should have been there' moments, to understand this fork reference.

Allan's message centered on Revelation 21 & 22, which focuses on Heaven. I had read Revelations 21 just that morning in my regular morning Bible reading. Hm ... I like to think that was a God moment and His way of letting Allan, once again, answer some lingering questions for me. 

I hope Allan would be smiling if he knew that though I don't attend a church regularly, I do read my Bible from cover to cover, over and over, 1-3 chapters nearly every day and have for the last 14 years. I wonder if Allan is where he can hear me talk to God every day and that I pray way more often now then I did when he use to encourage me to pray. 

I wish I could tell him that I'm less rowdy. Though the aging youngster that I am, knows that he would be Tsk, Tsk, Tsk'ing me about my life choices that I make today. Still ... I smile ... though I miss him, I am looking forward to that hug when I see him again and I imagine him saying;

"See, Sandy, God knew. Welcome home."

Reviewing 2014

Once again, I marvel at how fast the year flew by! I am still convinced that the older we get the faster time travels away from us! 

It is that time of year ... again ... when I look back at the path I traveled and how far I have come. Each year that path seems longer and at times more difficult. This year ... not so bad ... but ... not the best either.

This was the first year my husband has experienced as a retiree. He loves his retirement! He can ride his Harley whenever he wants and though he prefers a beautiful day, as long as it is not raining, snowing or a day with hurricane force winds, he can be found on his Harley. Otherwise, he can be found in his shop sand blasting something or working on his bike or a friends bike or just enjoying a beer. 

I have enjoyed my husbands retirement for the most part. He does more housework now that he is home more and he has refrained from micro managing my life ... most of the time. I was worried about him last year when his job seemed to stress him and feared I'd loose him to a heart attack. Then, in retirement, I feared he would try to manage all my time. Neither have happened. 

Now, I'm just praying we will grow old together in contentment and good health.

Our home has been especially quiet this year when the grandchildren aren't staying with us or we aren't celebrating our annual 4th of July get together. Two cats and an aging couple make for a near boring life.

Grandchildren are growing way too fast. 

Justice is 16. She enjoys living in Lincoln, NE and has found a home in Lincoln High, her high school. She is still an avid artist and is developing an interest in poetry writing. I look forward to watching what she will grow into and pray for her life adventures to be both safe and rewarding to her. 

Ryenn is 11. She has always had a hard time leaving Dad and Mom for any length of time to stay with anyone. This year she has spent time with us without crying to go home nearly the same day she arrived. What a blessing that has been! She has a sense of humor and is quite the computer geek. Her friends are her life but this year she has made room for Popo and Nana ... and of course, as always, her cousin, Corban. 

Corban is 6. He physically changes each time I see him! So far, personal interests or friends have not kept him from wanting to come to Po's and Nana's whenever possible! I hope that never changes. In fact, he became sick with Mono this November and we had the honor of caring for him for two weeks of his 3week illness. Yes ... honor!

I love being a grandparent!

I love my family!

My son and his wife have endured some hardships over the last couple of years but this year has blessed them with new jobs and new dreams. We were lucky that with job changes that they were able to come spend Christmas with us. We are all looking forward now to the annual 4th of July get together. On a sad note, Billie lost her Dad over Christmas weekend. I pray special memories of her Dad, Bill, will be a comfort and ease the pain of such a loss. 

We had the Harrison Christmas early in December and were surprised by some time with our youngest son. Clint is always a joy to spend time with! He has had a busy year. He and his partner have an exchange student staying with them this year and that has changed the dynamics of home life. Clint is also back in college and funds are tight so we really didn't expect to see him this year! What a treat!

Front row: Patrick, Corban, Eli, Bonnie, Sera, Me, Mom Harrison, Rachel and her husband Hyle.
Second row: Shelby, Rich, Arlene, Clint, and Justice.
Ron/husband is taking the picture and prefers not to be in the picture. Besides, prime rib is getting cold so no time for another picture.


My daughter and her husband are still enduring some hardships this year. We were so glad we got to celebrate Christmas with them in York, NE. Shelby changed jobs and loves her new job as a legal secretary. They have taken on the care of Shelby's godchild and that has put a strain in the mix. But then, my daughter seems to function best when stress is high. She has such a heart and tries so hard that she often forgets to take care of herself or takes the harder path. Hmmmm ... sounds a lot like her mother.

My prayer for all our kids are that they would be blessed financially ... enough to help them decrease the hardships that stress them all. I pray they all will be blessed with fulfilled dreams and lots of family love! And that all changes in their lives will be handled with the utmost amount of grace, and that God will touch them all in special ways.

This year my Mom is still recovering in the Imperial Manor Nursing Home. I keep praying that she will get well enough to come back to her home, the family home, she worked so hard to maintain as a legacy for her children. Her legacy to me is her hard work. I can only pray to offer my family all the gifts she has given me over the years. I am still unwrapping those gifts in my heart and discovering every year how much she has impacted my life

Brother Carl made it to Mom's Christmas party at the manor (above picture) for the third year. He has been such a blessing! He cares for the family home in a way I sure didn't expect. I had thought baby brother Don Gillespie would have been the best care taker, but Carl has been so respectful of her home. And he has been a surprising budget manager with the limit funds he has. What a hard worker! 

Now if he would just consider not smoking anymore because his cough is more persistent. I fear his life span will be much shorter because of it. He reminds me of Grandpa Hall and Aunt Patty. When they were both terminal they kept their passion for smoking alive. "What do I have left?" was Aunt Patty's response each time I'd warn of smoking shortening her life. 

We tried to enroll brother Carl in the new health care by this years deadline. He can't afford the cost and NE refused to enlarge their Medicaid base so he is still without insurance. Hopefully his paltry $6000/yr income will keep the government from fining him and taking more of the money he doesn't have to give! 

More important ... because he doesn't have insurance, and Ogallala closed down their low income clinic, he won't go to the doctor to find out if he has bronchitis, or COPD, or to check if his cancer is back. "Do I eat, or go to doctor?" and "I won't quit smoking anyway." are his replies to me. I don't have the power or resources to help him and this breaks my heart.

So for my brother, my prayer is that God would heal him and bless him with those lottery millions he often dreams about. He buys the cheaper Mega Million ticket, 1 time a week. Lord? 

Finally, this December 27th, my husband and I celebrated our 12th year of marriage. We met on April 19, 1986 but didn't start dating until February of 1987. We split up for a couple of years in 1996 but got back together after deciding that we belonged together. 

It has been a rocky road for us, but smoother than two stubborn hearts could hope for. He is so much a part of my life that I can't imagine my life without him. We have lots of issues to conquer but what changes we've made to date and the dreams we share of the future have made us stronger and more full of love then those first few years together.

Regrets? Lots.

Hope? That's what keeps me dreaming.

I am looking forward to 2015. I will be 62 in June. I hope to retire from my cleaning business in the next couple of years and next year that journey begins with some serious investigation. 

This year I did all the blood workup that needed to be done to determine the stage of my liver disease. That done, I am now waiting to find out if insurance will help me pay for the new treatments that are available to cure me. Since it is so close to the end of the year, I'm guessing that approval, if it comes, won't happen now til 2015. Lord?

I will end this review with a prayer for the next year to be full of blessings, cures and changes for the better!

Pray? Why?

Sunday, June 3rd, I tried to move a heavy roll-top desk, a few inches to make room for a coming cuddle recliner. I sent my daughter and her husband to Pamida to get the chair and I began preparing the corner I planned to put it in.

I have an issue with my lumbar region in my back. L4 and L5 are requiring some medical attention to alleviate pain and repair some disk damage. I have been given shots in that area for almost two years now and the last two shots were not helping as much anymore. Monday, the 4th, I was planning on calling the doctor to get the ball rolling on a mild stenosis procedure he'd been wanting me to consider. So with this knowledge, pushing on the desk, or lifting and pulling, was out of the question. But I thought I could sit on the floor and put my feet on the desk and my back against the wall and, puuussssh, using my whole body to move the desk. I've moved many a heavy object in this fashion before and it has worked. Who needs those slidders, anyway!?

I did get it to move 1/4 of an inch and then...

     ... SNAP!!!!!!! OR WE CAN CALL THIS A POP!!!! BUT WHATEVER IT WAS, IT WAS LOUD, LIKE A GUN SHOT, AND I WAS DIEING!!!!

Ok, I didn't die but, oh my, that pain was seared in my brain and cataloged under OH SHIT!!!!!!

At first my back arched and my breath was sucked away and my whole body was suddenly extremely hot. The pain was so great, I couldn't breathe and I truly thought I would pass out and, did I say, my body temperature was HOT?! Sweat began to pour out of every pore in my body!! My eyes filled of tears and all I could do is moan. When I could, I fell to the right side on floor and struggled, still in a pain, a pain I swear was worse then when I gave birth to my children(!), to lay flat on back with knees on my chest. There I lay and moaned til I could get my breath back. In rasps, I tried to call for help.

My husband and grandson were outside so I knew they would not hear me. I don't think they would have even heard me if they'd of been in the house!

I started crying and in my head I began pleading over and over "help me ... oh please, help me Lord. I'm so sorry, I'm soooo soooo sorry. (After all, I did have thoughts that I was being unwise trying to move that desk by myself ... if at all!) Please Lord, don't let my back be broken! Please Lord, I have to work. Please Lord, I have so much to do. Please Lord, please!"

I don't know how long it was before I could try to move again. Maybe 40 minutes went by before I was able to do so and though the pain didn't seem as bad, it was still unbearable! I managed to crawl. Every crawl was riddled in pain but I finally managed to get to stairwell and down the stairs. I took a break on the cool kitchen floor. By now my clothes and my hair were sticking to my sweaty body that looked like I had run through the sprinkler. While laying there I was thinking, "this is bad, really bad! I'm going to have to go to the hospital."

Now tell me why, if you know, would I suddenly begin to worry about my appearance in the midst of this horrid pain? I struggled from my laying position, knees on chest, to my crawling mode again and crawled into the bathroom, pulled myself onto the toilet and could reach the bathroom mirror and sink from there. My curling iron was also with-in reach. So there I sat, crying and yelping when I'd move and get stabbed with more waves of pain and curled my bangs, put my sweat wet hair in a bun on my head, wet a wash cloth, laying on sink, with cold water and then slid off toilet to floor and crawled into living room and laid again on my back with knees to chest and began to wipe the sweat off my body and leaving the cool wash cloth on my neck.

I waited for my husband to come into the house to find me. By now, I knew I wasn't dieing and I may just survive this after all.

It had been over 1 1/2 hours from when my back snapped/popped and my husband had still not come into the house. I struggled back into a crawling position and began crawling to the deck door to try to get my husband's attention. But before I reached the door, a motorcycle rode into the yard. I sure didn't want to have my husband's friend see the mess I was in so I crawled back to the stairs where I had a cane, I used infrequently, leaning on the railing. I pulled myself up onto the steps and sat for about a half hour before grandson came in the house and found me crying on the steps. He sat down beside me and I told him Nana hurt her back and in his sweet little way he tried to rub my owie.

Finally, I tried to stand and, with much effort, accomplished this feat. Standing wasn't as difficult as I feared. I immediately became aware that I was standing different than before the snap. My back seemed straighter. Before it was too painful to stand straight. Now it was too painful to bend forward and I absolutely could not bend back! To bend down had to be with a straight back and legs bent. (A position my husband has nagged me to bend in, ever since my back became an issue over 4 years ago.) Ok, at this point I decided that I would not incur the cost to go to the emergency room and felt that if I could just get the pain to subside, I could stick it out til I could get ahold of a doctor.

Well, to make this long story shorter, my husband finally did make it into the house to find out why I didn't come out to say hi to our friend. By then I could get around with a cane so he never knew the extent my suffering.

My daughter and her husband arrived from town and we finished that evening out with a barbecue. I could get around but only with the help of that cane and I went about very slowly. I could not cough! Oh what pain that would trigger!! The pain was not as extreme as when my back snappened but a constant pain at level 8-10 on a VAS pain scale was no picnic either!

After the kids took thier family home, my husband ran me a hot bath with Lavender oil and later he added Epsom salts with a variety of soothing oils. That enabled me to become more mobile and I added Ibuprofen and Aleve, praying for relief.

I could not get comfortable. Pain bearable and pain unbearable and in waves ...

So I posted on Facebook,
a call out to all the prayer warriors,
to help stand with me in prayer for relief.

I have no time reference for when the pain became bearable. It seemed to be a gradual process but by Tuesday I was moving nearly normal without the aide of a cane.

I didn't sleep well Sunday night, but I made it til Monday morning when I could call my doctor. My present medial team is located in North Platte, NE. They wanted me go to Ogallala hospital for MRI or x-ray but I told them I would rather try to wait til Thursday. They offered pain meds but I told them I didn't want to medicate the pain, I wanted to fix what was causing the pain. I've been on pain meds and I know the drill. I know what they do to me. I have an addict personality and hate what I become on them ... so, no ... for now.

AND I really believe in the power of prayer and honestly felt like I could survive the level of pain I was experiencing by then. That was Monday morning and the pain progressively abated until it became bearable by Monday night.

The power of prayer?

How else could I walk and even work at my cleaning job and care for my adorable grandson? And when doctor called me on Friday with the results of the MRI, he was concerned with the damage recorded and scheduled me for Vertebroplasty surgery on Monday, June 11. He informed me that I had a compression fracture of the L1 vertebrae and the previous area of concern, the L4-L5 area, was worse. Seems my walking around and not taking any pain medications is remarkable for the pain level such an injury can incur. How else could I be able to endure this, except by the power of prayer and the Power of the Lord responding to those prayers?

I pray that the Lord God, Father of Jesus, my Lord, will be willing to touch the hand of the doctor and guide him to heal without risk, and that my back would be restored and healed, not only in this new L1 lumbar area but also in the L4-L5 that will require attention after Mondays surgery. Lord, Thy Will Be Done. And thank You, Lord for Your merciful grace and thanks to all of those whose stand with me in prayer. Bless you all!!

Note:  And that cuddle chair recliner? Turns out I was two days late for the sale (chair was $499 and went on sale for $200 less) and Pamida wouldn't honor the sale price. Which turned out to be ok since the back wouldn't come off so chair could be moved in two pieces. It was too big to get up the stairs to my office. So broke my back for nothing. :(

Does it mean I'm addicted to my cell phone if I leave home and get half way to town and the phone goes dead, actually it probably went dead the minute I left the driveway but I didn't notice it as I babbled on, and I go to hang up and realize I'm holding my cordless land line phone?

I posted the above on my Facebook wall so folks could make fun of me? No.

I giggled the rest of the way to town and when I returned the phone to its cradle, a mere 20 minutes later, I was still laughing at myself. From the comments to my post, others laughed with me.

That's why I posted to my Facebook. I'd rather folks laugh with me then cry.

Laughter is good for the soul.

One of the comments to my post blamed our absentmindedness on old age. I'm looking forward to entertaining myself as I grow older. Guess, I'll have a young soul as I laugh at my absent mind.

Hm ... I wonder what Oprah would say about my driving and talking on the house phone? OK, OK, I'll take the pledge, Oprah! No driving and texting or talking on cell phones ... and cordless, house phones after this. OK?