The Pillars Have All Gone Now

I think it is interesting that my last post to this blog was about a pillar of my local church passing and the thoughts I had in the wake of losing him. That was back in November. It was my last post of 2015. This opening post of 2016 will begin with the loss of another pillar of my local church, Brother Max Towell. 

Brother Max (Pastor Max to me), died this past week and was laid to rest yesterday. It seems to me that he was the Pastor of my church home forever. But he only moved to Ogallala in 1969 when I was 16 years old. By that time I was a wild child. A few traumatic experiences between my baptism by Ivy Conner at 13 and that 16th year of my life, found me soured on God. I was also battling something that later would be labeled depression and my teenage hormones magnified everything into a crisis, I was a mess. Pastor Max had his hands full trying to tame this wild beast and, sadly, wasn't able to do so before I sneaked out of Grandma's house one late night, a few weeks after my son's birth, and ran pell mell into a dark life until the late 70's.

Son in tow, I ran away at the age of 18 and didn't come back until 1985. By then I was in my early 30's, separated from my husband, after five years of marriage, with my son and a four year old daughter. I ran back home from Lincoln, NE to protect myself and my children. I had married a recovering alcoholic whom became very scary when he returned, like a dog, to his own vomit. Years later he would sober up and become a walking miracle! I am very grateful for the friendship we now share.

Enter, Pastor Max. He and his wife, Viola, rented me a trailer that matched my budget. They then came to my new home for Bible lessons. I'd like to say I invited him. I just didn't say no when he asked if they could come 'visit' and those visits turned into Bible lessons for most of the time I lived in that trailer. I'd also like to say that it was a wonderful time. I was a challenge to them. I still carried a chip on my shoulder when it came to God so I asked them to explain a lot of why my life was a mass of violence, shame and heartache ... which they could not. It would take me several more years before I would learn to stop blaming God. But those visits were not lost on my heart. My soul may have been hardened but their love and patience with me softened it's core. And my heart bloomed with love for them. They were there during a tough time in my life and they anchored me to Hope.

Max and the Church of Christ family were like life rings to my dysfunctional family. Sometime after I had ran away from my Grandma's home, my Mom had begun to go to church regularly and, later, her 4th husband, whom proved to be a keeper, began attending and became one of those pillars in my life that brought me closer to loving God more than ever. 

I could never identify with a healthy father figure but with Pete I finally found a Dad ... a Father. He healed some deep wounds and he became my greatest draw back into the Church of Christ family. He and Mom loved Brother Max dearly and watching their faith grow made me respect Pastor Max and the Church of Christ all the more! I found I could finally pray to a loving Father because I experienced that love from some healthy 'Father' figures. I could pack away the God of violence that I falsely believed picked me as a punching bag. I finally recognized the changes I needed to make to bring this fascinating, loving, forgiving, Lord deep into my heart!

Max was there with such tenderness when Dad died. His son, Jay Towell, was then the 'Pastor' and in his inherited, skilled gift of teaching, officiated the most tender of funerals. I still hear the song he and his talented family sung, acappella, during that service. Brother Max was such a strength for my Mom during that difficult time and visited her often. 

When my Mom became very sick 8-9 years ago with a major infection, Max was one of the most frequent visitors with a couple of other 'Brothers' of the church family. Most folks were scared to come see Mom, but Max showed a love that overcomes fear. 

I was staying with Mom to care for her. I remember, I was having such difficulty understanding Mom's illness and keeping her home sterilized that one day, I just lost it. I mean, I really lost it! I was screaming at my Mom that I wished I had died during her difficult birth with me (I was a breach baby .... hm, that should explain why most of my walk through life has been butt first!) and hated having to deal with everything! Who should come to the door at that very moment ... Pastor Max and someone else ... darn if I can remember who came with him though. I just remember crumbling into a sobbing mess and dear Max helping me work through my despair and shame at screaming at Mom. He and his helper prayed over us and I, still to this day, feel that overwhelming calm that came over me that day. The memory still brings tears to my eyes. 

I feel very sad today. Those pillars of my life that have helped me become a less dysfunctional person have all gone now. Max was the last. His son is preaching in Red Cloud, NE... so far away ... and I will miss his tremendous gift of teaching God's word. 

I don't attend my church home regularly now-a-days. Something has changed. They are still the most awesome family and I love them all. I'm sure it is just me. I don't handle change well ... unless it is rearranging the furniture in my home. I like that change.

Well, Pastor Max, if you could see this post ... I would close with how much you will be missed. So many lives you touched. Such a life you lived! And an awesome banjo player to boot! I didn't remember that about you. But there you were with your banjo in that wonderful slide show of pictures they shared celebrating your life from youth til God took you home with Him. You would have enjoyed that slide show. Your family and dearest friends will miss you most. I love you, Max. I thank the Lord for you. I attribute my strong love for the Lord to you, sir. You had a big part in that love growing. 

You've got another good man there, Lord. I hope to see him again. Maybe I can see him, finally, pickin on that banjo? 

LIFE MOVING ON ...

Here is my 4th poem for the 5 day Poetry Challenge that I was nominated for on Facebook, by a very dear lady to my heart, Paige Namuth. I met her through her husband, Ron Namuth, whom was the Director of the Independence Center when I worked there in the late 70's - early 80's. This couple are locked in my mind trunk of precious memories from that time and a big part of the many changes I have made in my own life over the years since. Changes I made more through observing their own walk in life than from a close personal relationship with them. I had not had any contact with them once I moved away from Lincoln, NE in late 1985 .... until I joined the social media, Facebook, a few years back. Now I enjoy the memories that Paige often shares and find both of them in my thoughts nearly every day.

Anyway, Paige nominated me for this 5 day Poetry Challenge and it is probably suppose to include a poem a day for 5 consecutive days. But I suck at challenges, most of the time, and so, am doing 5 poems when I am able to take time to write a new poem or have time to copy one I've written over the years past from my poetry vault. 

Paige, I apologize for breaking any rules. I thank you for nominating me. It has given me opportunity to reflect on some of my past work and to put pen to hand for some new writings. It has also given me inspiration to return to my blog.

Life Moving On ...

I sit in my upstairs office,
Which use to be my daughter's room.
The walls are blue.
You picked blue, my daughter.
My blue eyed Pooh Bear.
Pooh Bear?
I latched on to that nickname,
After I heard my step-dad back in 1980,
Had nicknamed his youngest daughter,
His lil Pooh Bear.
It lovingly stuck on my own lil treasure.

Slept in my dark teal room last night,
Which use to be my step-son's room.
You picked this color, my son.
My son from a different mother,
Who can understand me,
As no one else ever has.
Greer became Clint. 
GC to those whom love him dearly, 
With a magic touch,
And a heart with a 6th sense,
A healer to those in physical pain.

A guest bedroom watches the sun set.
This was Shelby's eldest brother's room.
Only the furniture,
And the pictures have changed.
It is the room I meditate in.
Remember John, when we moved you out of it?
You'd leave food items in it to mold,
And so to the basement you were sent,
Which is now the most favored choice,
Of all the family when they come to visit.
The room that never has been finished to date.

My kids have all grown and left home.
They have their own rooms now,
Full of memories both good and bad.
That is life.
Rooms of memories,
Changed, yet old vibrations can still be felt.
I would have treasured more then,
If I had known,
How much I would miss them now,
And how empty these rooms,
Feel at times,
Now that you have all moved out,
                                   and on ....

Sandra K. Harrison

August 13, 2015

My Heart Still Aches

Posted to my Facebook Timeline today:


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• Nicole Church, Paige Namuth, Jennifer Lene Van Vleet and 2 others like this.
• 

  Monica Snider Gonzalez Rest In Peace Mark

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  Roxie StepinMaebe McBroom Rest in peace Mark, what a blessing your last time together was

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• 

  Roseanna Torres Prayers of comfort for you.

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• 

  Sandy Harrison Mark died in 2008. Gosh doesn't seem like 7 years has gone by already. Thinking of loved ones that have left seems to have a timeless effect, don't ya think?

P

Today is the death anniversary of my brother Mark Walker. He died of an abdominal aneursym at the NP Flying J Truckstop, in North Platte, NE, where he and brother Carl had stopped for a meal while on their way back from attending the funeral of our cousin, Cindy, only the day before in our home town of Ogallala, NE. My heart still aches but I also marvel at the timing. Mark had been on the transplant list for a liver and so we weren't surprised when he left us before his name came up but we were surprised it was an aneursym that claimed him. We were all reeling from the sudden loss of our cousin but her death blessed me with precious time with my brothers Mark & Carl. The morning of Mark's death, he and I and Carl sat on the front porch of my home and talked about years of memories. Mark made some amends that morning to Carl & I and spoke of the amends he knew he still needed to make to others but didn't want to make wounds bigger. The sun was shining that beautiful morning and we siblings were healing right there in its light. When the boys headed home, we were all crying and hugging and so glad that we had that amends & memory time. We had NO CLUE that after the boys stopped and visited Aunt Grace & Uncle Al, that Mark would be leaving us during that stop to eat his favorite meal, chicken fried steak & eggs. A meal that he was restricted from. He was not suppose to eat protein because of his liver disease and he had a lot of protein that weekend. I smile when I think of his rebellion on his diet ... and how it wasn't the reason for his leaving ... I smile because that was Mark; a rebel soul that was tamed over the years by the consequences of choices that he paid a high price for, who tried to make the changes needed but often fell short of the goal. Something I still identify with. Well, brother Mark, I am comforted that God seen your suffering and knew you had paid the price long enough and gave you rest from your pain. But my heart still aches.

This last picture was taken in October 2007. Our youngest brother Donny, came from AZ and Carl, Mark, and Sue came from Lincoln so we could all meet with Dr Colglazier at the Grant, NE hospital to have a family conference regarding Mom. That conference was the most stressful experience ever and not because we were discussing Mom's health and future care but because we were all tramatized by the inappropriate, unprofessional display of abusive anger from a doctor! Carl, Mark and I were familiar with such rage but shocked that what was perpetrated on us as lil tikes was now being slammed at us as worried adult family members. But that is a memory I'm not wanting to reflect on in this posting. I just wanted to post a picture of all of us together just months before Mark died. Mark's wife, Sue Walker is taking this picture. 

So I went to my picture files from that weekend and pulled up one from when we were working on Mom's home during that same time. I will never forget the support of family during a difficult time that Mom was going through. Again, we had no clue we'd be back together the following year in May for ...

Love and Peace Dear Brother Mark 

LIFE IS FULL OR EMPTY DEPENDING ON THE PILOT

Spring is just around the corner and it will thaw all the winter residue and set the pace for the summer blast. Funny how the weather seasons are so predictable in a very unpredictable way. We can predict the possibilities based on the signs, becoming more adept and right, as tools improve, that aide in those predictions. Amazing!

Weather has always intrigued me. If you would have asked a young me 50+ years ago, what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have said a weather watcher. Not one of those that reported on TV but one of those that studied it. Years later, I would learn about becoming a Meteorologist ... but I would become lost in life issues that postponed any kind of education and faded all Meteorologist desire over the years to the present ... where I can ask Siri, on my iPad, what today's weather will be. She graciously tells me and lists the days temps. Weather now at my finger tips! What a concept!

We love it when the grandchildren come to stay for a bit with Po and Nana. We got our first grandchildren stay, this year, when our Lincoln, NE clan had Spring Break during March 9th through the 13th. 

With the warmer weather, we took our annual hike around the rocky beach near Lake McConaughy's Morning Glory. Much of Lake Mac is still frozen and the warmer weather made the ice unsafe to walk on. I watched my family scramble around the rocky beach from paths on the bluffs above. I had been feeling wobbly most of this day and my feet were still hurting. Why were my feet hurting? That is a mystery for me to yet solve. 

From my vantage point I took pictures and mentally compared this hike with past hikes and family time together. These grandchildren are changing fast and with as much predictable unpredictability as the weather. I wish they wouldn't change sometimes. I wish they were still babies, or that we were still in one of those happy family times. But as we all hike today, each of us are dealing with life issues. We are each in a personal struggle or stress, making this hike somewhat strained but worth the effort. We may not have solved all our problems but collectively we hiked away from them for a bit.

The pictures I took seemed so bland .... and like the bland, icy landscape before us, my emotions were just as bland. From my emotional vantage point at 61, soon to be 62, I found I was just as wobbly and full of growing hurts from my life that are leaving me feeling frozen in helplessness. I keep looking for a path, on a bluff, from a vantage point where I can understand what I need to do or to let go of. 

Waiting for the thaw ...

Reviewing 2014

Once again, I marvel at how fast the year flew by! I am still convinced that the older we get the faster time travels away from us! 

It is that time of year ... again ... when I look back at the path I traveled and how far I have come. Each year that path seems longer and at times more difficult. This year ... not so bad ... but ... not the best either.

This was the first year my husband has experienced as a retiree. He loves his retirement! He can ride his Harley whenever he wants and though he prefers a beautiful day, as long as it is not raining, snowing or a day with hurricane force winds, he can be found on his Harley. Otherwise, he can be found in his shop sand blasting something or working on his bike or a friends bike or just enjoying a beer. 

I have enjoyed my husbands retirement for the most part. He does more housework now that he is home more and he has refrained from micro managing my life ... most of the time. I was worried about him last year when his job seemed to stress him and feared I'd loose him to a heart attack. Then, in retirement, I feared he would try to manage all my time. Neither have happened. 

Now, I'm just praying we will grow old together in contentment and good health.

Our home has been especially quiet this year when the grandchildren aren't staying with us or we aren't celebrating our annual 4th of July get together. Two cats and an aging couple make for a near boring life.

Grandchildren are growing way too fast. 

Justice is 16. She enjoys living in Lincoln, NE and has found a home in Lincoln High, her high school. She is still an avid artist and is developing an interest in poetry writing. I look forward to watching what she will grow into and pray for her life adventures to be both safe and rewarding to her. 

Ryenn is 11. She has always had a hard time leaving Dad and Mom for any length of time to stay with anyone. This year she has spent time with us without crying to go home nearly the same day she arrived. What a blessing that has been! She has a sense of humor and is quite the computer geek. Her friends are her life but this year she has made room for Popo and Nana ... and of course, as always, her cousin, Corban. 

Corban is 6. He physically changes each time I see him! So far, personal interests or friends have not kept him from wanting to come to Po's and Nana's whenever possible! I hope that never changes. In fact, he became sick with Mono this November and we had the honor of caring for him for two weeks of his 3week illness. Yes ... honor!

I love being a grandparent!

I love my family!

My son and his wife have endured some hardships over the last couple of years but this year has blessed them with new jobs and new dreams. We were lucky that with job changes that they were able to come spend Christmas with us. We are all looking forward now to the annual 4th of July get together. On a sad note, Billie lost her Dad over Christmas weekend. I pray special memories of her Dad, Bill, will be a comfort and ease the pain of such a loss. 

We had the Harrison Christmas early in December and were surprised by some time with our youngest son. Clint is always a joy to spend time with! He has had a busy year. He and his partner have an exchange student staying with them this year and that has changed the dynamics of home life. Clint is also back in college and funds are tight so we really didn't expect to see him this year! What a treat!

Front row: Patrick, Corban, Eli, Bonnie, Sera, Me, Mom Harrison, Rachel and her husband Hyle.
Second row: Shelby, Rich, Arlene, Clint, and Justice.
Ron/husband is taking the picture and prefers not to be in the picture. Besides, prime rib is getting cold so no time for another picture.


My daughter and her husband are still enduring some hardships this year. We were so glad we got to celebrate Christmas with them in York, NE. Shelby changed jobs and loves her new job as a legal secretary. They have taken on the care of Shelby's godchild and that has put a strain in the mix. But then, my daughter seems to function best when stress is high. She has such a heart and tries so hard that she often forgets to take care of herself or takes the harder path. Hmmmm ... sounds a lot like her mother.

My prayer for all our kids are that they would be blessed financially ... enough to help them decrease the hardships that stress them all. I pray they all will be blessed with fulfilled dreams and lots of family love! And that all changes in their lives will be handled with the utmost amount of grace, and that God will touch them all in special ways.

This year my Mom is still recovering in the Imperial Manor Nursing Home. I keep praying that she will get well enough to come back to her home, the family home, she worked so hard to maintain as a legacy for her children. Her legacy to me is her hard work. I can only pray to offer my family all the gifts she has given me over the years. I am still unwrapping those gifts in my heart and discovering every year how much she has impacted my life

Brother Carl made it to Mom's Christmas party at the manor (above picture) for the third year. He has been such a blessing! He cares for the family home in a way I sure didn't expect. I had thought baby brother Don Gillespie would have been the best care taker, but Carl has been so respectful of her home. And he has been a surprising budget manager with the limit funds he has. What a hard worker! 

Now if he would just consider not smoking anymore because his cough is more persistent. I fear his life span will be much shorter because of it. He reminds me of Grandpa Hall and Aunt Patty. When they were both terminal they kept their passion for smoking alive. "What do I have left?" was Aunt Patty's response each time I'd warn of smoking shortening her life. 

We tried to enroll brother Carl in the new health care by this years deadline. He can't afford the cost and NE refused to enlarge their Medicaid base so he is still without insurance. Hopefully his paltry $6000/yr income will keep the government from fining him and taking more of the money he doesn't have to give! 

More important ... because he doesn't have insurance, and Ogallala closed down their low income clinic, he won't go to the doctor to find out if he has bronchitis, or COPD, or to check if his cancer is back. "Do I eat, or go to doctor?" and "I won't quit smoking anyway." are his replies to me. I don't have the power or resources to help him and this breaks my heart.

So for my brother, my prayer is that God would heal him and bless him with those lottery millions he often dreams about. He buys the cheaper Mega Million ticket, 1 time a week. Lord? 

Finally, this December 27th, my husband and I celebrated our 12th year of marriage. We met on April 19, 1986 but didn't start dating until February of 1987. We split up for a couple of years in 1996 but got back together after deciding that we belonged together. 

It has been a rocky road for us, but smoother than two stubborn hearts could hope for. He is so much a part of my life that I can't imagine my life without him. We have lots of issues to conquer but what changes we've made to date and the dreams we share of the future have made us stronger and more full of love then those first few years together.

Regrets? Lots.

Hope? That's what keeps me dreaming.

I am looking forward to 2015. I will be 62 in June. I hope to retire from my cleaning business in the next couple of years and next year that journey begins with some serious investigation. 

This year I did all the blood workup that needed to be done to determine the stage of my liver disease. That done, I am now waiting to find out if insurance will help me pay for the new treatments that are available to cure me. Since it is so close to the end of the year, I'm guessing that approval, if it comes, won't happen now til 2015. Lord?

I will end this review with a prayer for the next year to be full of blessings, cures and changes for the better!

WHEN WILL I KNOW IT IS SPRING?

I will know it is Spring when the apple trees blossom and the lilacs bloom and the Hummingbird Moths come out. I will also know it is Spring when the garden is planted and everything turns green.


It is Spring. But we are missing the spring rains here in the sandhills. Our country yard is starting to look brittle so we have commenced watering daily. Something we usually don't start doing until mid to end of June. Tonight looks like we may have rain but these looks have been deceiving before. Our family 4th of July time together, this year, may be without fireworks if we don't start actually getting some rain. Lord?

I love Spring! I love the new, fresh, green (remember, green is my favorite color!), growing feel of Spring! 

And school is out in May for my grandchildren. That means they get to come spend time with Nana and Popo. Something we will treasure until the day comes that they will not want to come spend time with us. And that time will come.

Our grandchildren have invaded our home as of May 25th and so our quiet, regimented life is now upside down with activities, squabbles, miller fears, and movie times in the evening. More fun than not and I'm trying real hard not to be stressed about the disarray of the house and they are doing their best at keeping it in some order this time. Better than they ever have. Having these kids here is worth all the stress, laughter, tears, joy, fears and strengths gleaned from our time together. It will be over way too soon.

Just as it was way too soon for their parents to be gone from home.

Just as Spring will be over way too soon.

Just as each season of our life leaves before we are really ready.

THE WORLD TILTS TOWARDS MORE CHAOS AS WE CLING TO JUST LIVING

THE WORLD TILTS TOWARDS MORE CHAOS ...


I try not to be afraid. Why is violence becoming the norm for making a statement? What kind of statement deserves the destruction of innocents? I don't understand. What I don't understand, often scares me. The Boston bombing ... there are no words I can convey to express my shock, anguish and despair! Another why to pack away in my trunk full of whys.

I try not to be afraid. I have some awesome memories as part of the support team that followed my girlfriend as she ran in the Lincoln  Marathon 2009. I remember taking pictures and celebrating with everyone at the finish line. I even blogged about it. (If interested in my memories of that time look in my Labels under Best Friend Moments. Blog begins with pictures under title My Lincoln Marathon Hero May 2009. Sorry, I still need to learn how to link stuff.) I can't imagine what it would have been like if some very sick soul(s) had bombed the marathon. My heart hurts for those folks in Boston who had their innocence shattered and nightmare memories to heal from. My trunk of whys is getting so full!

I try not to be afraid. There seems to be a race to what can be the most horrible act for acclaim. Is this the predicted path to end of times? Soon nothing will be left untouched. Soon we will be at risk in every area of our life for some one's sick claim to fame and martyrdom. Why? Is this God's will? Not my God! Apparently some god's are very violent and their worshippers the most dark. My God is not revealing answers to my whys.

I try not to be afraid. So, I pray and cling to faith that the God I worship understands and He will reveal the answers to my whys in due time. I pray that I may endure and not become like those I fear. When I turn to praying, the fear is less. I feel helpless to stop the chaos, but I know prayer is a tool of power. I may not be able to stop the attacks and get lost in the whys, but I can pray myself into the Lord's arms and know ... 

 He will give me strength,

To go on living each day,

In spite of my fear.

He will go with me as I walk,

This path He has put me on,

And not let fear stop my life travels.

He already knows the race I'm running.

I will be taken when my path ends,

But not before He's ready.

He wants my faith that in Him I can trust,

No man can do to me what isn't planned,

So in His care I put my fear.

 

AS WE CLING TO JUST LIVING ...

The world reels and in my small corner of it, we cling to just living.
My last post found me reeling from some family hurt. I used it to get drunk and feel sorry for myself and cling to some anger/hurt at the way my little brother, Don, and his family moved back to Arizona and left our family home, that he was caretaker of, in such a dis-respectful mess! I'm full aware of the dysfunctional dynamics of most of my family (self included) but did not expect the actions of little brother, Don.

I learned a lot and am now alert and won't let myself be vulnerable again. Donny called me and was in distress and needed help. He had back issues that I would understand, two years later, when my own back brought me down. With Mom in the nursing home, the family home needed a caretaker.

Don moved from Arizona to the family home, hoping that not having to pay rent as the caretaker and lower living expenses would be a help as he pursued medical help for his back. At least, that is why I thought he moved back home. Now, I'm not sure.

Long story short, he and his family were not happy here and the medical help for his back was refused because he didn't have insurance and was unable to work full time with his limited abilities due to back/leg pain. The doctors he did find required money up front before they would operate. And he was wearing out his welcome mats with most of the Pain Specialists in the area.

The rest of Don's family never felt like Ogallala was home. Many other issues clouded their stay here, including my own temper tantrums that I threw a couple of times. I fully admit to not doing my best to make their stay feel like home. But I won't take the full weight. It was probably best for them to move back to the place they felt most at home.

Now, more than two months later, I'm letting go of the anger and hurt. I'm trying to take responsibility for my part in the pain and I haven't been drunk since March 1st. I pray for God to help me be aware, resolve to change what I can, bless ALL of my family and let me not be the one who shames them.

Brother Lynn (Carl) and I have been cleaning and repairing the family home for these last couple of months. We are finally seeing a beautiful home emerge and the smoke smell is nearly gone. It has been wonderful to see Lynn put his all into the cleaning and decorating. I believe I will be able to trust that he will be the most awesome caretaker of our family home.

Out of all our family members, who would have thought? Lynn, has suffered much in his life. A fall from a two story window when he was 2 years old and landing on his head, made him a true miracle. He survived. Then he was severely abused by Mom's second husband and most of the blows he received by that man were to his head. Again, he survived. But the damages have impacted his life.

Everyone in the family is fully aware of Lynn's difficulty in comprehension and learning. He was placed in special classes most of his young life and his slowness was often the target of bullies. His older brother, Mark, became his guardian for most of those school years. Mark would fight with Lynn's bullies, as well as his own, when he spent two years in a leg brace for a bone disease in his right hip. (Why bully kids that seem different, poor, and/or weak? But Mark had a weapon in those days, his crutch. Now-a-days he'd of been expelled for waiting until those boys were in range and then swinging his crutch in a half moon thrust and knocking them off their feet.) This guardianship care would continue off and on throughout the boys adulthood.

When Lynn was diagnosed with cancer in 2000, Mark and his family, took him in for most of his treatment and recovery time. Before Lynn had fully recovered from his cancer, Mark was diagnosed with a terminal liver disease and would need a transplant that he never got. The tables turned and Lynn stayed on with the family to help care for Mark. It was fitting, though so very painful, for Lynn to be the only one with Mark when he died five years ago.

When Mark died, Lynn was lost for a while and ended up homeless. He had friends and family that would offer a bed or couch to crash on. But when he was drinking, folks weren't comfortable around him. He is unable to drink past a couple of beers without being a turd. So Lynn spent many a night under the bridges of Lincoln, NE when his drinking controlled him.

Seems drinking has always clouded progress for most of my siblings and it never makes our life easier. We grow most when we try to live without alcohol or drugs.

Maybe being homeless for a while was Lynn's saving grace. The various odd jobs he was able to snag never gave him enough money to buy both alcohol and cigarettes. Maybe being homeless for a while helped him decide that drinking more than a couple of beers just wasn't worth the solitude it brought him and it sure didn't help him find a job.

I guess it was lucky (or God) for me that my brother was unable to find stable employment in Lincoln because when my back surgery was scheduled last year, I called him and asked him if he would come to our home and help me during my recovery. He proved to be an excellent caregiver and a great cleaner!! He even surprised my husband with how easy he was to have around. (Not sure what my husband expected.)

Too much history? I thought maybe it would define the bigger picture Lynn's life has been in. It has been a rough life and through most of it he has never been on his own. Independent. For the first time he has this opportunity. He needs a guardian, still, and I guess I have now taken on that responsibility. I don't mind. Maybe I can make up for my past failures with other family members. I pray that God will guide me to be a blessing and not a bad example.

So, again, who woulda thought?

Out of all of us kids, Don was most able to care for the family home with his skills in construction, maintenance and his wife's skill as a bookkeeper. But they left the home in worst repair than when he moved in. Screens trashed, smells, garbage in two rooms and under deck, ruined carpets and some cheap floor changes. And they bolted from Ogallala, leaving a trail of debt. I took care of the house insurance but the rest is their responsibility. When we learned of Lynn's homeless status, I asked Don if he could move into the upstairs room. No. I've begun to see Don's abandonment of the family home as an asset, now. If Don hadn't of moved back to AZ, Lynn wouldn't have a place to call home.

Mark died before ever getting a chance to try living in the family home.

And me? I am unable to maintain the family home. I am a very poor woman and my husband is ok with helping out with some minor things but does not want to be involved any more than that. He prefers his own empire to care for. Should he leave this life before me, then I would probably move back home. It's the only home that my name is on. It was Mom's gift to her children.  

So Lynn has been chosen. Mom would never have chosen Lynn. She may have thought he could not handle the responsibility. She would be so surprised and proud of this son that she was often embarrassed by. The way she would want the home looked after is the way Lynn will look after it. 

God chose Lynn. All the unpredicted doors opened to make this possible. He was homeless. He now has a home. No food for it, yet. But I have faith that, too, will be taken care of before this week is out. And work?

My brother got a job! He put in so many applications and was  beginning to feel discouraged when the call came in for an interview. He did a little happy dance and was so excited!

He is working in housekeeping for one of our local motels. When he went in for his interview, we noticed that there were a couple of other fellas working in housekeeping, so he didn't feel alone. They hired him on the spot and encouraged him to work up to cleaning 5 rooms a day, with the possibility that he could add hours, later, doing minor maintenance work.

He has worked four days now and they have already praised him for his cleaning skills! He reached a 5 room day his second day of work! Thank you, Lord!

I'm thinking I will be relieved to finally have the family home cleaned and occupied and Lynn settled in with a job and a budget to live on. I will look forward to being there for him and watching him live as he has never lived before. Maybe now I can turn my focus, elsewhere ... like some garage sales to get rid of all my 'stuff', a trip to Bear Butte, a husband that is retiring by June .... yep, life goes on and this is just the living we all cling to!