THE BLACKEST OF BLACK FRIDAYS AND I'M NOT EVEN SHOPPING

Today is Black Friday. This is an American label to the Friday after Thanksgiving that kick starts the Christmas shopping extravaganza! I clarify the label with 'American' as today was the first day this craze was introduced in Great Britain. Sad to say, like us, it opened with a violent frenzy, fights, destructive behavior and injuries suffered by both the shoppers and the clerks. Last year even a death by crushing was attributed to this craziness. This day is not over, but no death, in either country ... yet. 

For me, this is the blackest of Black Fridays and I'm not even shopping. I awoke to a cloudy sunrise, not really in any particular mood, and proceeded through my morning routine like usual.

First stop ... the bathroom. This tends to be where I wake up the rest of the way, since it is the physical desire to pee that moves my sleepy body to find relief. And, as usual, my cat, Mushi, just HAS to sit on my lap. Not to keep me company or glad to have me up and about, but to push, prod, and purr at me to pet her ... non-stop! In fact, if I don't start petting soon enough for her, she will reach up and pat my cheek. 1st one is soft but I dare not let her try again as the second pat may have some claws out ... darn cat! She rules the commode roost!

After brushing my graying hip length hair, the gray hidden most of the time under a blond bleach, and a quick brush of my teeth and wash of my face and hands, I patter out to the kitchen. I push the preheat button on my early Christmas present from brother Carl. It is a Keurig that I have been eyeing ever since they first hit the market. If I hadn't of been gifted this coffee brewer, I'm sure I would be one of those unlucky shoppers risking this Black Friday violence to get what I've been coveting for a long time. Instead, I'm home safe, and I lifted the handle and popped in a K-cup to brew a cup of green tea. 

As the tea brews I do a 5-10 minute Yoga routine and today, while also listening to the familiar Keurig noises as it fills my cup with tea, I remember the wide eyed look my brother had as he presented me with my early Christmas present. That night he had also handed me the receipt so I could take it back if it didn't work properly and when I seen how much he had spent, I knew he had spent most of his Christmas Club money on my gift. 

I had mixed emotions that day, nearly a month ago. I was ashamed at coveting something so expensive and humbled by my brother wanting to get me something he'd heard me go on and on about. I did tell him, he shouldn't have as I hugged him and thanked him profusely! He told me he wanted to thank me for all I had done for him. I'm humbled with every cup of tea/coffee/cappuccino/hot chocolate that I drink from that Keurig!

So, tea in hand, I head upstairs to my quiet spot for a bit of prayer and meditation and Bible reading. Today ... this is where my mood began to cloud ... just like the morning sky outside.

I'm reading in Jeremiah. This is my 7th or 8th time reading the Bible all the way through, and I try to read a chapter or two or more a day. Today I finish Jeremiah by reading the last seven chapters. And when done ... I sat ... and felt over whelming waves of despair. I felt and still feel like ... the biggest loser alive! Why?

Those last few chapters in the book of Jeremiah are full of doom for a people of old that turned their back on their one true Lord and chased after idols, gods of others and refused to believe Jeremiah's prophecies which we now know came true. Why should reading those chapters trouble me? They recorded something that happened so long ago. Why do I feel like there is a connection to this present world of people? Why did I/do I feel like history is repeating itself?

I spent the next hour or so, reflecting on my family and all that was going on past and present. It just seems like there is so much on every one's plate. Are we all so wrapped up in our difficult lives that God feels completely ignored and is bringing more difficulties down on all of us as judgement? 

I have no answers.

My phone jingled a text from a friend. I ended up texting the despair I felt and a partial answer was given, in that, my friend reminded me that I was stuck in seeing God as a vengeful, angry, unforgiving God and had forgotten that He sent Christ, a new covenant with us, to redeem us and forgive us. A God of love not doom. 

I felt better but still weepy and broken. This time of year is a trigger for the blues in me anyway. And with more on my plate this year than years past and no idea how to empty it ... I feel overwhelmed. Alone. Like God Himself has turned from us, like He did in those days of Jeremiah. My friend also reminded me that the enemy was on the prowl. 

Let go. 

The rest of this day was spent, watching the NE vs Iowa football game and putting up the Christmas tree. The Husker win put a smile on my face, as did the finished tree. 

I have since fixed a meal of Thanksgiving leftovers, polished off a bag of Hershey's Cherry Cordial Kisses (better than drinking but not much), and returned to my first dose of vitamins that was on hold while I was taking some antibiotics. Maybe the antibiotics amplified my depression? 

As this Black Friday draws to a close, and I lay down my head, the despair is less and my thoughts ... 

I have no answers.
Let go.
I'm so glad I couldn't go shopping,
On this,
The blackest of Black Fridays.

WHEN WILL I KNOW IT IS SPRING?

I will know it is Spring when the apple trees blossom and the lilacs bloom and the Hummingbird Moths come out. I will also know it is Spring when the garden is planted and everything turns green.


It is Spring. But we are missing the spring rains here in the sandhills. Our country yard is starting to look brittle so we have commenced watering daily. Something we usually don't start doing until mid to end of June. Tonight looks like we may have rain but these looks have been deceiving before. Our family 4th of July time together, this year, may be without fireworks if we don't start actually getting some rain. Lord?

I love Spring! I love the new, fresh, green (remember, green is my favorite color!), growing feel of Spring! 

And school is out in May for my grandchildren. That means they get to come spend time with Nana and Popo. Something we will treasure until the day comes that they will not want to come spend time with us. And that time will come.

Our grandchildren have invaded our home as of May 25th and so our quiet, regimented life is now upside down with activities, squabbles, miller fears, and movie times in the evening. More fun than not and I'm trying real hard not to be stressed about the disarray of the house and they are doing their best at keeping it in some order this time. Better than they ever have. Having these kids here is worth all the stress, laughter, tears, joy, fears and strengths gleaned from our time together. It will be over way too soon.

Just as it was way too soon for their parents to be gone from home.

Just as Spring will be over way too soon.

Just as each season of our life leaves before we are really ready.

It's a miracle! Health care is available to all! APRIL FOOL'S!

Yesterday was the deadline to enroll for health care insurance that is now mandated through the Affordable Health Care Act that was passed in our last election. The haters of our country refer to it as Obama Care and are using it to further divide our country between the haves and have nots.

The Affordable Health Care means change and was suppose to open the way to make health care available to everyone. It is suppose to be a gift of life to some, a right to human dignity ... not a privilege, as it is now (or was) to those who could afford to pay for it. But we are a country of people who HATE change and human rights are not important to us anymore, unless you have the means to buy it.

We are a country that is fast becoming a monarchy with the growing base of poor expected to pay tribute to those who have wealth and privilege. We've become a nation of greed shepherding the poor into camps for destruction when they've nothing more to give. Money is now our god that we worship blindly at the expense of all compassion, under the guise of patriotism. Ah .... but this is not the time for my soapbox and I'm in the minority in here in the sandhills of Nebraska. My opinion is not wanted nor respected. Folks just wish I would shut up and bend over. I never was good at being one of the sheep. And it took me many years to throw off the victim trap, so bending over anymore is not an option for me!

Anyway, because of this mandate, I helped my brother, Carl, file for health care on the health care.gov website. Carl has a learning disability that makes it impossible for him to be able to comply without assistance and I'm happy to assist him. Though my assistance waited until the last moment to enroll him. Wonder what folks do that don't have anyone to assist them? 

So, we answer the questions and we learn (though I knew this from the Nebraska news) that Carl does not qualify for assistance to pay for the premiums listed. Nebraska refuses to expand it's Medicaid base so the aide to the poor will not be forthcoming until enough compassionate people step up to be the voice for the growing poor. 

We then scroll through the options for insurance without looking for the availability of cancer treatment options that he may need. He was diagnosed and treated with chemo and radiation and surgery back in 2001-2003 but the garbage company he worked for in Lincoln, NE, dropped that insurance for another and would not bring him back to their work force once he completed his treatments ... thus he became un-insurable, quit going to the doctors and never got the 'all clear' ... yet. The cheapest available insurance plan we found was $380 a month .

$380 a month ... and I won't bore you with what that insurance covered because we were blown away with the $4500 deductible which led me to wonder why even have insurance then? When you are stuck at poverty level, how is a $4500 deductible plus $380 a month premium going to help keep you from falling deeper into poverty and despair when you are sick?

Carl made around $6000 last year. He is a hard worker but no one that could pay him a decent wage and offer a company insurance will hire him. Is it because of his age of 59? Is it because he looks like one of the relatives from the series Duck Dynasty and even carries his coffee mug around like Sy does with his Tupperware glass of tea? Is it because he no longer has any teeth once they all were removed for his cancer treatments and he's never been able to afford to replace them? Is it because he is so thin (cancer still?) and can't seem to shake the homeless look ... unless he's dressed for a wedding? Is it because when he speaks, he is judged?

He is blessed that a motel in Ogallala desperately needed help and took a chance on him. Maybe they would have let him go after they had enough staff but instead they found him to be one of their most loyal workers ... who actually worked and hasn't missed a day off his schedule to date! Now they, too, feel blessed (my opinion, of course) to have him working for them but he is hardly going to come out ahead making $4 on each room he cleans. I've had him help me clean in my small cleaning business and those who know my expectations of what's clean, know I wouldn't let him help unless he was skilled at cleaning. He is awesome!

So, let's do a quick worksheet on this hard working man's financial standings:

$6000 a year divided by 12 = $500 a month estimated income.

He isn't one of the users of the system as some haters like to lock all poverty stricken folks into. He doesn't hang out at the bars, he doesn't travel, he doesn't even have cable TV or spend compulsively on junk (like I seem to) and his frugal life is very lonely and maybe too quiet for him. He is fortunate that after nearly 2 years homeless, he is now the caretaker of the family home and our mother's car, so he doesn't have rent to contend with. But he is trying to care for the home and car and his share of the insurances and the expenses of living there. So here is an estimated list of his monthly expenses:

$260 ~ electric (the home is all electric)(summer use is $100 less
            without air conditioning which he won't use because of
            the expense)
$37   ~ water
$77   ~ house & car ins ($850/yr)
$50   ~ phone
$90   ~ fuel for car (and based on fuel costs, this is low)

At this point we are already at $514 in monthly expenses and we haven't even listed his food expense yet. As his sister, I tend to pick up what he can't afford and take him out or invite him to our home for meals! I take him to buy groceries for him once in a while (which he never asks for help with) and he does go to the food pantry once a month and that helps. So please tell me where he can afford the added $380 a month for his health care? 

We left the web site bummed. We could not enroll because he has no way to pay for this. Look at his list of expenses? What can he give up to meet this mandate? So will he be one of those folks that that will be fined? Or is he too poor to be fined? Regardless ... he will be without health insurance.

I guess our government and the haters of our poor, will be relieved to know that he has decided that should he get real sick and should cancer return, he will choose, this time, not to go to the doctor. He says he is ready to die. I'm not ready for him to die, however! But I can't afford to pay for his health care plan either. 

When I talked him into moving back to Ogallala, he came with an infection under his chin. Funny how an ingrown hair can give one a cancer return scare! We were lucky, we had a clinic for our poor in Ogallala that he went to. I helped him pay for the 1st visit and he payed half with me for the next visit. $35 dollars each visit and the antibiotic cost him $7 from Safeway Pharmacy (did they have an agreement with the clinic as that powerful antibiotic cost Mom so much more and she had insurance?). 

That clinic, that proved to be a life line for my brother, was shut down by the city of Ogallala. But they have a beautiful pavilion recently built for some fun times in this Cowboy Capital with it's ideal location by the largest lake in the state. Ogallala will bask in their cities beautiful additions and, possibly, an improved infrastructure, at the expense of the poor they seem so determined to extract tribute from! Those leaders of this community made this decision with insurance already under their belt and a full belly. The poor, a burden to them, can't help them with all the pretties they are trying to glean for their city so it will attract more people/tourists ... with money. Poor people are not an asset to this goal. Tell me where can my brother can go now, that won't cost $120+ up front? Please?!

Do I sound angry? Darn right I am! I should be content ... for my place in this community and country is not at the extreme poverty level of my brother and others like him. But I've been there and the struggle filled me with despair, a despair not easily forgotten.

I voted for this president ... passionately believing in health care as a right, not a privilege! I still passionately believe that! But unlike the clinic which served the poor in this city of Ogallala and was closed by the city leaders, repealing and shutting down the Affordable Care Act would counter the good things about it that have made a big difference (no more denying insurance based on pre-existing issues, a cap on soaring prescription costs, and so much more). Yet, this is the mentality of the country as a whole, so I shouldn't have been surprised and/or appalled by such actions of our city leaders. The clinic should have remained open with some tweaking on those issues that blinded them to the more important issue ... life for our poor. Likewise, the Affordable Care Act needs some tweaking. It needs to be affordable! I'm so very disappointed that it is not! 

Health care is not available to all!  People will still be dieing because they cannot afford to go to the doctor. APRIL FOOL'S on us!

P.S. I know you haters of President Obama, if you're still reading this ... some are so sick in their hate that the first mention of the Affordable Health Care Act probably got me deleted. Anyway, you will be happy to know I won't vote democrat in the next election. For the first time since this became a privilege, I won't be voting at all.

I refuse to vote for royalty, for folks who have no damn idea what it means to govern for the people and by the people! Money is the platform these days! The king and his/her cronies could not give one rat's ass about the people unless those people have the kind of money that talks! Most of those that strive to make it to this 'top' forget where they came from and why they are there.  And they have no worries when it comes to their elite, free health care! Besides they've made it perfectly clear that my vote does not count. And that's no April Fools!

                     Brother Carl and I ... taken back in 2007

WHEN THE ICE MELTS, SPRING HAS SPRUNG

March has brought Spring, but Winter doesn't know it yet. This has been a very cold winter. I'm sure we have had worse over the years but they have been almost forgotten. Time has been spoiling us with fairly mild winters for a few years now and so a harsh winter can make us whine and moan and crave Spring. 

March is nearly over, and the snow has yet to move on. One day it is in the 70's and the next it snows and whips us with less than 10 degrees! As I post this, there is a light flurry adding to the blanket of snow we got yesterday. Icicles hang from the upper roof, just outside my 2nd floor home office window, and I'm wrapped in my mink blanky and snuggled deep into Dad's sagging old recliner, waiting for Spring to come and the Winter blues to go away on this cold white Sunday!

Well, it has been nearly 3 months since my last post. I am at a loss to tell you why. (Should there be a 'you' out there reading this blog.) Maybe when I find a real purpose for blogging, regular posts will appear. For now ... my hankerin for ramblin isn't so regular. 

Today I feel like rambling and what better thing to do on such a dreary, lagging, wintry day then to add some 'thots' to my blog. Right? So walk with me as I stroll through some reflection and pondering of my life in these Nebraska sandhills ... all covered in cold snow ... 

This year I turn 61. I still haven't lost my awe in making it this far in life. When I reflect back over the past 60 .... it is amazing. There is a reason, right? When I spend time with either my grown children or my grandchildren, I feel closer to the reason. 

Me, a grandma? Never seen this coming. I'm grateful for the Lord allowing me to be a grandma ... or, Nana, as I prefer ... because the regrets of my poor parenting skills are softened by the changes I've made to be a good Nana.

And as an older woman, I believe I am far better for my grown children then I was when I was that young self centered mess, stumbling through dark times brought on by poor life skills. The Lord has allowed me to see and experience change and in it came the hope that I could make each regret teach and change me.

I don't like aging, though! It is getting harder for me to look in the mirror and find .... heck, I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore! And when I try to imagine what getting even older will be like, I cringe! The changes that have already overtaken me are the pits!! I hate the aches and pains, the lack of spring to my step and the widening waste band! The wrinkles, the cataracts, the depleted hearing ... all of it sucks! How do I get to the place of peace through all this? How do I reconcile and accept this season of life? 

I went on a Vision Quest back in 1999 to Bear Mountain, known by the locals as Bear Butte, in the South Dakota Blackhills. The first night out, I camped at Ft Robinson State Park, NE. Early the next morning after packing up my camp and before I drove on to South Dakota, I took a drive on a back road to look for a buffalo herd I knew was close and came across a burned area of the park instead. I was drawn from my vehicle and hiked among the blackened logs that glistened with morning dew and admired the way new shoots of grass covered the blackened ground, along with wild flowers that sprouted haphazardly all around. As the sun climbed higher in the sky, the dew looked like diamonds glistening all around and with the mix of shadows, I remember that early morning country side looked breathtaking! 

But, what struck me the most, was that all that beauty arose amid the ashes of destruction. What was once, was burned away in a raging fire and forever changed. Over the scars had bloomed an array of beauty and peace. Eventually the new growth would overcome the scars completely and what reminders of the painful blaze that would still be left, would take some digging to find.

As I get older and the blaze of my life subsides, maybe I, too, will sprout with a newer beauty that is not dependent on the old shell. Maybe, as I reflect on that burned valley, that touched my heart long ago, I can stop looking at what I hate about getting older and look for beauty amid the ashes. Maybe that's how I will find a place of peace and reconcile and accept this season of my life. Maybe.

Besides, what a whiner! I whine for Spring to chase Winter away, I whine about growing older! I whine and that is sad ... there are many in this world that won't have the opportunity to grow old/older. And there are many in this world that are living in a world of pain. And there are those that are suffering rather it is Winter or Spring or whatever season of life they are in.

Whining is like ice. It freezes one immobile! It can even burst the container! Whining turns a heart cold. 

I need to stop whining. I need to look not at the ice or loose hope that it won't melt. Spring will come, the ice will all melt and getting old will be like a banner worn to prove I'm a veteran of this life. Suck it up, Sandy and just live! 

WHEN TIME RUNS OUT YOU PUNT!

It is hard for me to believe that tomorrow is the last day of 2013. It seems every year slams by faster than the year before. Or is it one of the many 'gettin old' symptoms? All I know it I run out of time EVERY year now that I've managed to survive 60 years! 

SO ...  I GIVE UP!

I give up trying to finish. I will do what I can do and if I catch up, GREAT. If not, I will do the best I can and let go of that which isn't priority ... or just let go because I was doing something that didn't need to be done anyway!

I give up trying not to get old. It is inevitable. I'm there! I will not get younger and don't have the millions to pretend to be younger so I will just be. I can take care of what is left of me and try not to rush this inevitable process. Oh, OK, and I will ...

Give up complaining!! I waste too much time whining about stuff!! Complaining is an action crusher! It may be easier than changing, but it is also a great burden that makes my mountains bigger and nearly impossible to climb over!

TIME HAS RUN OUT!

I'm glad this year is over. And I don't even want to finish the posts I've drafted to fill in the spaces my blog has suffered from this year. It would take too much time and time has run out.

I started this blog a few years ago in the hopes of fine tuning my writing and maybe gleaning a wage from something I love to do. I'm not sure what I was thinking! It hasn't really done either for me. Maybe if I settled on a theme, instead of just rambling, or find a passion to share with readers, my hopes could still be realized. I best figure it out because time is running out on me.

TIME TO PUNT!

I need to get as far as I can in my life game ... before this last quarter ends. As 2014 begins, I need to review the game plan. What is working, what hasn't helped me at all and where do I want to finish? 

I want to win. Winners train, endure and develop their skill. I don't even know what game I'm playing now in this last quarter of my life. I've endured but my skills are limited, maybe even diminishing, and my training sucks! Self-trained. Should have known that wouldn't get me far! I need a new Trainer. 

Tomorrow is the last day of 2013. This year will end in a quiet fashion here in the Harrison home. No party here, and not planning on going out. Grandson is staying with us and is young enough not to feel he is being punished. We may watch an old movie, shoot off a few fireworks and, most likely, be in bed before midnight. BORING if we were those young party animals we use to be, but just right for the old farts we've become!

So ... Happy New Year and may your new year be blessed and your life game plan full of winning plays!

2013 in pictures:

Still Here ... but Still Behind!

I got my desk top back and hopefully ... fixed. The new, privately built unit, ended up with a bad disc. Had a new one, with less space, put in. Didn't want to wait for the 1-2 week shipping of a new disc, and Deaver Computers had the smaller one in stock. I was given a $25 in store credit for the exchange. No comment, yet, on rather I was wise in this exchange or stupid.

So, I'm still here, but still behind. Before I can finish my back posts currently in draft, I must find two years of pictures that Aaron didn't get transferred to new disc. And if you all knew how un-tech I am, you would understand my frustration with this fix. I tried to get Aaron to help me but with his answer of, "maybe it's time you learned," leads me to believe I must LEARN this myself. GRRRR! 

He's right, of course, I must learn. To grow my blog and to grow my photo skills ... I must learn. 

And for me to learn ... time ... 

On top of finding lost pictures, I'm struggling with Blogger and getting my posts to look the way I want. Again, I need to LEARN!

Well, for some reason, learning has become a real challenge these days! And takes more time! Why?

I need more time,

So very hard to find!

May never climb out,

Or have any clout!

As it all comes at me,

Faster than I can see!

All I do is scramble,

In this life's gamble!

Doing what I can,

My own biggest fan!

One thing at a time,

One day at a time!

And maybe it will be done,

So I can have some fun!

And not regret,

Or always fret!

But finally finish,

Not at all skittish!

And stand tall,

Knowing that's all!

For now,

Somehow,

I'm still here,

My dear!

And still behind,

Yep still behind!

IT CRASHED!

Remember that new desk top computer I had built for me? IT CRASHED! I just got it back from computer doctor last evening but haven't re-hooked it up yet today. I'm feeling a bit nervous! It does seem a bit strange to me that most of my electronic stuff has crashed FREQUENTLY in the past two years. Sure, some things, like the old desk top, were more than 9 years old. But the 3rd router was brand new. Router number 6, is still working and it's been over a month now! (Got my fingers crossed!) However, this last router, a Linksys, had to be taken back to Staples when first new one wouldn't work. Why so many routers, you may be wondering? Or not. Well, let's see if I can paint ya the picture ... Belkin went down in June 2012 with the Internet service and Internet service tech hooked up an old Netgear I had when he came to repair service. In Feb. 2013, that old Netgear went down when the Internet crashed again but unlike Internet service, it never came back up so a new longer range (and more expensive) Netgear was installed. In April 2013, again, the Internet service went down and, again, the Netgear didn't come back up. We got our money back from Best Buy and went on a quest but couldn't find another router we liked as well so we tried the same Netgear but purchased it from Staples ... a mere 50 miles away from us, compared to more than 250 miles ... only to have it crash with our Internet service (yes, this was becoming a regular, annoying occurrence) in June 2013. (Yes, I thought it was interesting that this router business all began in June a year earlier AND with each subsequent Internet crash! Any ideas out there?) A new Netgear replacement ensued and within that same month of June 2013, the Internet and Netgear crashed AGAIN! Staples issued a money card and with it the Linksys was purchased at the end of July, with a NEW protection plan ... which I normally don't purchase but started to with Netgear purchase from Staples and with all my electronic purchases, from then on, due to this nightmare, which wasn't yet over. (Is this the grand design of such plans? Do they know this stuff is trash to begin with?) As I said above, this new router had to be returned for a working one. (Yep, still have my fingers crossed!) Oh, and that Internet service? I first signed on in February 2012 with USA Communications. Where we live, out here in the Nebraska Sandhills, we are limited on available Internet service and this was the best for the most reasonable fee and much faster than the Verizon Internet card we had. But every storm that showed up on the horizon meant no Internet service and in a few months would also mean a new router with nearly every crash. (Again, I'm hoping someone reading this blog will message me with their ideas on why!?) Well, in June this year, USA Communications was bought out by Prairie iNet. And on July 31st, SHOCK, the internet crashed with a storm BUT Linksys stayed up. On August 12th it crashed again with a pending storm. I called and vented my frustration and a tech by the name of Charles (they don't give us last names anymore) explained to me that all the upgrades would mean interrupted service periodically. Funny what a little information will do to calm a frustrated caller like me. At the time of this post the service is much improved AND the Linksys router is still working! Life goes on amid failures and frustrations. These electronic failures have amplified my belief that nothing is forever and some things are a blip on the life screen. I won't give up! I will persevere! So, now, off to hook up the fixed (fingers crossed for this, too) desk top. A bad drive crashed the new desk top before I'd even had it a month. Will it give me near ten years like my ole Dell? Or will it be one of those blips? If all goes well, and computers all stay up and running .... maybe I can get this blog going on a more consistent ramble. Maybe?