March has brought Spring, but Winter doesn't know it yet. This has been a very cold winter. I'm sure we have had worse over the years but they have been almost forgotten. Time has been spoiling us with fairly mild winters for a few years now and so a harsh winter can make us whine and moan and crave Spring.
March is nearly over, and the snow has yet to move on. One day it is in the 70's and the next it snows and whips us with less than 10 degrees! As I post this, there is a light flurry adding to the blanket of snow we got yesterday. Icicles hang from the upper roof, just outside my 2nd floor home office window, and I'm wrapped in my mink blanky and snuggled deep into Dad's sagging old recliner, waiting for Spring to come and the Winter blues to go away on this cold white Sunday!
Well, it has been nearly 3 months since my last post. I am at a loss to tell you why. (Should there be a 'you' out there reading this blog.) Maybe when I find a real purpose for blogging, regular posts will appear. For now ... my hankerin for ramblin isn't so regular.
Today I feel like rambling and what better thing to do on such a dreary, lagging, wintry day then to add some 'thots' to my blog. Right? So walk with me as I stroll through some reflection and pondering of my life in these Nebraska sandhills ... all covered in cold snow ...
This year I turn 61. I still haven't lost my awe in making it this far in life. When I reflect back over the past 60 .... it is amazing. There is a reason, right? When I spend time with either my grown children or my grandchildren, I feel closer to the reason.
Me, a grandma? Never seen this coming. I'm grateful for the Lord allowing me to be a grandma ... or, Nana, as I prefer ... because the regrets of my poor parenting skills are softened by the changes I've made to be a good Nana.
And as an older woman, I believe I am far better for my grown children then I was when I was that young self centered mess, stumbling through dark times brought on by poor life skills. The Lord has allowed me to see and experience change and in it came the hope that I could make each regret teach and change me.
I don't like aging, though! It is getting harder for me to look in the mirror and find .... heck, I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore! And when I try to imagine what getting even older will be like, I cringe! The changes that have already overtaken me are the pits!! I hate the aches and pains, the lack of spring to my step and the widening waste band! The wrinkles, the cataracts, the depleted hearing ... all of it sucks! How do I get to the place of peace through all this? How do I reconcile and accept this season of life?
I went on a Vision Quest back in 1999 to Bear Mountain, known by the locals as Bear Butte, in the South Dakota Blackhills. The first night out, I camped at Ft Robinson State Park, NE. Early the next morning after packing up my camp and before I drove on to South Dakota, I took a drive on a back road to look for a buffalo herd I knew was close and came across a burned area of the park instead. I was drawn from my vehicle and hiked among the blackened logs that glistened with morning dew and admired the way new shoots of grass covered the blackened ground, along with wild flowers that sprouted haphazardly all around. As the sun climbed higher in the sky, the dew looked like diamonds glistening all around and with the mix of shadows, I remember that early morning country side looked breathtaking!
But, what struck me the most, was that all that beauty arose amid the ashes of destruction. What was once, was burned away in a raging fire and forever changed. Over the scars had bloomed an array of beauty and peace. Eventually the new growth would overcome the scars completely and what reminders of the painful blaze that would still be left, would take some digging to find.
As I get older and the blaze of my life subsides, maybe I, too, will sprout with a newer beauty that is not dependent on the old shell. Maybe, as I reflect on that burned valley, that touched my heart long ago, I can stop looking at what I hate about getting older and look for beauty amid the ashes. Maybe that's how I will find a place of peace and reconcile and accept this season of my life. Maybe.
Besides, what a whiner! I whine for Spring to chase Winter away, I whine about growing older! I whine and that is sad ... there are many in this world that won't have the opportunity to grow old/older. And there are many in this world that are living in a world of pain. And there are those that are suffering rather it is Winter or Spring or whatever season of life they are in.
Whining is like ice. It freezes one immobile! It can even burst the container! Whining turns a heart cold.
I need to stop whining. I need to look not at the ice or loose hope that it won't melt. Spring will come, the ice will all melt and getting old will be like a banner worn to prove I'm a veteran of this life. Suck it up, Sandy and just live!
No comments:
Post a Comment