Try Try Again

If at first you don't succeed ... try, try again!

Damn! Ate two pieces of Cherry Pull-A-Part Twizzlers! Pieces, as in 2 strips that can be pulled apart to make several skinny, rope like, pieces. Guess this is so one can prolong the enjoyment? Me, I just eat em .. no pulling apart and wastin time!!

My ONLY consolation is that it was only two pieces. Normally, or rather abnormally, I polish off the whole package. Today I only ate two. The last two in the package. I have two more FULL packages in my desk drawer. I had intended to have ALL the packages consumed before the 15th. I was polishing off my Hershey's Cherry Cordial Kisses (8 packages of em) which I knew could not be left over or I'd succumb. I thought I could resist the temptation with the Twizzlers. Wrong!

I posted on my Facebook page, yesterday, that those darn Twizzlers were screaming at me from the desk drawer. Some suggestions were to throw them away. Outta sight, outta mind was part of one friends comment. I remember reading that and feeling a tug at my ... well ... whatever compulsions tug at, and throwing them away was the last thing I wanted to do.

Another friend suggested I give them away to the kids I Nanny. I did that yesterday. Those last two pieces was what was left. One of the reasons I'm doing a sugar cleanse for 6 months was to get away from corn syrup. Cherry Pull-A-Part Twizzlers are all corn syrup. Corn syrup is bad stuff, really. And addicting. Probably shouldn't give it to my little ones anymore, either, huh?

When I'm done posting this, I'm going to go get those packages from my desk drawer and throw them away and try again.

No Sugar??

Today begins my sugar cleanse for six months. For 1/2 of this year I will not buy and consume Cherry Pull-A-Part Twizzlers or Hershey's Cherry Cordial Kisses and many other forms of sugar/corn syrup favorites. I will exempt yogurt and jello's, though limited, from my no sweets list. I love fruit so this, too, will help me replace my sweet craving. ... I hope.

Why am I doing this? I have been compulsively eating the above mentioned sweets for more than a year and the weight I've gained alarms me. (Duh!!) I can't fit into 3/4 of the clothes I have, and I have ALOT of clothes. I've posted in earlier blogs about my eating disorder and one of the panic triggers is weighing over 145 pounds. Well, I'm way over that!

Maybe my fear of following in my Mother's walk is prompting this sugar cleanse, too.

Mom battled morbid obesity beginning in the late 70's until today. Shortly after she divorced her third husband, Mom got involved with Weight Watchers and for a few years in the 80's she got back down to her knock out self. She never was a thin woman. She was more like a Marilyn Monroe build. But after a couple of years into her fourth marriage, she began to lose control again and ballooned over the years to weighting more than 400 pounds. Broke my heart.

I love Mom dearly and for most of the years she battled with her weight, I was impressed. She was a great dresser and when she'd deck out for church, I'm sure she was the prettiest large woman there! It wasn't until a few years before her fourth husband died, that I became alarmed at how large she was really getting. She only wore dresses and they were so, frumpy and ... well, awful. Eventually she wore only these large, floor length, lounger gowns, sometimes even to church. I understand now, what I didn't then, Mom was probably in the early stages of Dementia Alzheimer's. These last nine years have been very difficult for her ... and me.

So, again, why am I doing this sugar cleanse? To try to get a grip on my unhealthy eating habits. I can learn by Mom's walk how to detour a future crisis by turning now before IT IS too late. It's never too late to change one's bad habits, right? Besides, this is one of my New Year's Resolutions.

Today no sugar. In fact, today I will fast. It will be like a trigger, a break, an impact ... NO FOOD. A day of water, tea and I didn't give up that cup of coffee this morning.

Later in the day ...

The day is near over and my stomach is talking to anyone who will listen. The noise even scared my cats off my lap.

Tomorrow, I will begin my walk into healthier eating habits. If I'm still alive!!

The Love Month!

Yes, I drew this. Not an artist, but I've drawn hearts all my life. Often, when I write a note, I'll end it with this heart. ... only smaller.


February is here!!! The Love Month? Sure, why not?

February houses Valentines Day, one of my favorite holidays! A day to celebrate LOVE! Valentines are given away in homes, schools, nursing homes, and just about anywhere one wants to share a valentine card. Oh, and also flowers, balloons, and TREATS! All given or shared in celebration of LOVE. That's my definition.

Webster defines;

Valentine's Day ~ February 14, observed in honor of St Valentine as a day for the exchange of valentines and other tokens of affection. Also called Saint Valentine's Day.

and;

valentine ~ 1. a card or message, usu. amatory or sentimental, or a gift sent by one person to another on Valentine's Day, sometimes anonymously. 2. a sweetheart chosen or greeted on this day. 3. A written, or other artistic work, message, etc., expressing affection.

Ok, I'm blonde so I had to look up amatory ~ of or pertaining to lovers or lovemaking; expressive of love. Hm ... amatory? Guess I won't be reading this definition to my husband or he may be thinking he is gona get lucky on Valentine's Day. Don't know why Webster didn't just use the word amorous or better, sexual. ie; a card or message, usu. sexual or sentimental ... see, leaves no room for my blonde questions.

... and I found out that Saint Valentine was a Christian martyr at Rome.

Ok, definition and history aside, Valentine's Day is another time for me to let my family and friends know how important they are to me. I wish I could write of all the special things I do on this day but I don't always do something ... I THINK about doing something special each year, but have only followed through with ACTION a few years in a row. More often, I just think and don't do.

This year is going to me my action year. Starting today I will begin to send a LOVE note to all that come to mind, expressing to them why they are so special to me and/or the folks around them. I have so many folks to write to and to keep this a labor of love, I shall send a few notes each day of February. Hm ... better get started.

Today, I will begin with my Mom and a dear lady, Gertrude McVay, that I have adopted as a Mom and my dear Mother-in-law, Ruth Harrison.

31 Days

Today is 31 days since I had my last drink. So far I haven't felt deprived. My coffee has gone back to it's topping of frothed milk or some almond milk instead of a splash of McCormicks liqueur. I drink green tea or water for the rest of the day and pass on the Niagra Medelo with a slice of lime squeezed and pushed thru the bottle neck or a glass of wine in the evening. Though, as I typed that out, I miss the flavor of those drinks.

Hm .... now that I'm reflecting and missing ... I especially miss my evening mix of 3 parts of Copra De Ora coffee liqueur with 1 part of McCormicks creme liqueur. This went from one or two drinks in the evenings of November and December 2010 to finishing off both bottles New Year's Eve night. Since I'd made the decision to quit drinking again nearly a month earlier ... no reason to leave those last two bottles to tempt me to break my 2011 resolve. Right?

Will I ever drink again? If I could promise never to be compulsive again and drink in such moderation as to not harm my liver, which is already trying to check out before the rest of me is ready, then I would answer,

"Hell, YEAH!"

I cannot promise that. In fact, I have visited Hell in my drinking history. Not just once but more times than I care to elaborate on. Such visits, in my past, are the main reason I have quit drinking before. Seems I get a few years of not drinking under my belt ... and maybe the time off softens those visits to Hell ... and maybe I don't want to believe I am an alcoholic ... and I'd return ... with an attempt to drink differently. Did I? For a while, maybe. Once I retired my favorites, Jack Daniels and Tequila, my drinking was more manageable. But not my thinking.

Will I ever drink again? For 31 days I haven't. I'm retiring all liqueur drinks with my 'fake' friends Jack and To-Kill-Ya (Tequila, for those of you that may be wondering.) and made a 2011 resolution to stop drinking. I'm committing to this year. If wine and beer ever make it back into my life, it will be because I will, once again, be attempting to drink differently. Will I be able to do it? Will I even want to drink again, by then? Hm .... for 31 days ... and counting.

LOVE?

I see love in the big blue eyes of my daughter, when she grabs my leg and looks up, up, and up, and says, "I wuv you Mommy!"

The heart of a child,
That trusts,
That believes,
And gives without expectations.
Short in anger,
Quick to forgive - forget,
Innocent in risking freely,
Without fear of hurt.

... 'Come unto Me as a child' ...

A child can teach us much of love.



I wrote this in 1984.

CRAP!

164.5 pounds jumped up from the digital scales and hit me between the eyes!!

No frigging way, I'm screaming in my head.

I last weighted 158.2 pounds on December 22, 2010! Yes, I panicked. Since I had already committed to not drinking after New Year's Eve, my panic was short and sweet. But more than a month later and I weight 6.3 pounds more AND I've not had my creme liqueur drinks for 28 days now. Geez, how much heavier was I? Or, worse, how slow am I going to lose the next 30 pounds! Crap!

What am I going to do? February 15th is my target date for not eating any more processed sugar! I have 18 more days to gorge on Cherry Pull-a-part Twizzlers and Hershey's Cherry Cordial Kisses! (Ok, so I have a thing for Cherry ... but it has to have a CERTAIN Cherry flavor. Not just ANY Cherry flavor will do!) Crap!

I can't afford to gain more weight. I'm already having troubles climbing stairs without becoming winded and when I bend over to put my socks on, I feel like I have the grand kids Diego ball in my lap and I'm bending over it. Crap!

Quit sugar now? NOW?! Why NoW!? Crap!

164.5 pounds! A half a pound away from 165 and only 35 pounds away from 200! Crap!

Can I gain 35 pounds in 18 days? February 15 isn't that far away. Right? Crap!