WHY LIE?

WHY LIE?

I wish I could say I've never lied.
Or could promise to never again.
I wish no one would have lied,
Or faked being my friend.
But when it is family telling lies,
The heart is broken from within.
And the trust, most sacred, dies!
And where do we begin again?













February full moon and traffic on Hwy 26 make for a dancing light show in previous picture and this above picture shows the lights in more real time.




How is it that things can change in a moment? I got drunk on March 1st! It was a very determined act of ... stupidity! I was angry and disappointed and had a totally 'screw this' moment!

I had been missing my baby brother, Don, and his family and feeling guilty that I had not taken more time in the four years they lived as caretakers of Mom's home, to cultivate a closer relationship. I was mooning over the question if it was too late to recoup SOME kind of relationship now that they had moved back to Globe, AZ since the weekend after Valentine's Day. But on March 1st I went into our local insurance office to pay on car insurance and get Mom's house insurance changed from my brother Don's care to my care. So, I pay the car insurance. House insurance had lapsed since Jan 8th!!! I suddenly wasn't missing my baby brother and his family anymore! I was livid! Shaken! SLAMMED! Shit!!!

Great day to get drunk! Who wants to stay sober anyway? It doesn't stop the world from stealing my joy! It gives me a moment of sheer ... WHO GIVES A SHIT! ... before the hangover takes over and I'm holding my head and crying for mercy! AND when sober is back ... the brokenness is still hurting. Getting drunk didn't solve a darn thing!

I tried to get a hold of my brother but he didn't return my calls/texts until today. Here it is, four days later ...  and he calls. Finally. He tells me the insurance was paid. I ask for proof of payment. Should be easy to prove, right? But I know the truth. Sad.

Today, it doesn't matter anymore. I will do what needs to be done. I will re-insure my Mom's home and help my brother Carl settle in. Yep, my homeless brother will finally have a place to lay his head. He will become the new caregiver of our Mom's gift.

We've spent the last few days cleaning the upstairs. I really HATE cleaning up after smokers. But Carl and I have scrubbed the walls, ceiling, and floors and the lack of respect for Mom's home is washed clean! The brightly painted walls, that brother Don actually painted, looked awesome.

I've enjoyed working on our family home with brother Carl. He is such a hard worker and cleans well. It is the first step of many. Get the house ready for his care. Then/and apply for gainful employment so that he can maintain ... survive ... live as best he can as the new care giver of our family home.

One brother exits in a most complicated way, only to run when things don't go his way. Another brother moves in to succeed where one gave up. God gave each an assignment. Each chooses according to the way their heart beats.

CoPYcAt

So,
You want a copycat,
Someone who acts like you,
Thinks like you,
Moves like you,
Is even skinny like you.
I thought you liked my way.
This way is better, you say?
"That's not the right way,"
I'd hear another day.
And "I don't like that," you'd lament,
As I'd think, "I don't want to relent!"
Then you'd decide to define,
Explaining, "this is all mine,
You're here on my time,"
You'd always say.
Never aware of my dismay.
So,
Each day I'd disappear,
And the days turned into a year,
And much more time came with much more fear.
On the outside is the shell,
The copycat you trained so well.
But the inside is dead,
While the shell is misread.
For the one you once loved,
No longer believes in that love.
All has died and turned black,
You forgot I was part of the pact.
Did you ever even want just me?
What happened to being unique?
So,
The things I do now your way,

Most of which clashed with my way.

When you cancel one,

The balance is undone.

But all this you knew.

Claiming unbalance creates anew.

While one is weak,

You take your training seat,

Breaking down the rest,

Until your copycat is confessed.

Soon,

I will be complete,

Another you is quite a feat.

Congratulations!

I'm your copycat.

 





Coffee Break Series #3 ~ LOVE

February is celebrated as the LOVE month. Valentines Day is one of my favorite holidays and 'Love covers a multitude of sin' is one of my favorite quotes. But this February, I'm not in a celebratory mood. This year, love hurts.

I'm missing my daughter and her family. Not having my kids within hollering distance hurts. There was a time when I couldn't wait for my kids to grow up and start out on their own life journey. What was I thinking!

I must remember that my husband is missing ... too. Sure we can call and he is so much better at this than I am. He calls his Mom and son nearly every week. I don't like to talk on the phone. I do like the internet media tools. I appraise him of family news that I read from posts to Facebook. I guess, together, we can keep in touch and shorten the miles now between everyone.

It's just not the same.

I will adjust. This hurt will pass. I can still love from afar.

And another family member moved away from this Ogallala hometown. My baby brother, Donny, and his family moved back to Arizona last weekend. He came back to Ogallala .... and after nearly 4 years, they just weren't happy here. So he and his wife, Rose, and grandson, Nick, loaded up the moving truck and went back to be near son, Ryan and family. I sooooo understand the desire to be nearer one's kids/grand kids!

I regret I didn't show more love to my baby brother while he was here. It's a two way street that neither of us worked too hard at traveling. But I'm the big sister and should have been an example. Is it too late? Maybe for a face to face coffee break, but the miles apart should never hold love at bay. Right?!

So, the town of Ogallala has shrunk by two families dear to me. My personal world has shrunk to two. Hm ...

Well, it's just you and me bud!
My best friend of 27 years.
I love you, my husband,
And instead of so much fear,
That all this change demands,
And instead of holding hurt dear,
I turn to you , my husband,
And look to draw near,
And on growing love stand,
That may shed a few tears,
But with no repremands,
Because it's you and me, dear.
Let's strike up the band,
And love up the rest of our years.

I had to take another picture of my coffee mug, showing the picture on either side of the quote. The self-potrait is photo of my husband and I, taken not long after we got married. One of our wedding gifts was the 'Together' Willow Tree figurine, also pictured here. On the tag that labels the figurine is this note:

For those who have found their true partner in love and life.

I believe I have been blessed with my warrior, my friend, my true partner and together we are growing in love and life. We've endured much, stumbled often and even gotten lost a few times. Our opposites seem to pull us back together to make us stronger. Through it all, LOVE is the key. ...and adventure!

WHO SAYS A BIRTHDAY IS CELEBRATED IN JUST A MOMENT?

My husband has celebrated his 60th for near a week now. As well he should! 60 years of life is something to be celebrated, right!

I must admit it near went by without any fanfare. I was planning a big bash for this year ... only, it was to happen in June, the month I turn 60. (Gee, that sounds so selfish!) I wanted a poker run where folks could take a putt somewhere on our favorite 2 wheels, though 4 wheeled vehicles were not going to be snubbed. And a poker run is difficult to plan during his January birthday month, thus the reason for a combo bash in June. (Weather ... not selfishness, was my reasoning, see?)

After the poker run, that was to end at our place in the sandhills, we could all enjoy a catered in meal and a band or DJ or Karaoke, or all three, to round out that celebration time. I was encouraging camping in our huge yard and maybe even a Sunday morning breakfast, again, catered in, since it would be sad if we had to work at such a celebration. I was thinking this celebration would encompass our birthday celebrations of 60 years, a wedding reception we never had, and a great excuse to bring our friends and loved ones together for something other than a funeral!

BUT, hey, before you get excited about this shindig, it isn't going to happen! Why? Well, it was like pulling teeth every time I brought these plans up to my husband. It truly wasn't something he favored. And, I got tired of trying to get him excited about such a celebration. So I quit planning for June! When back surgery took me down in Oct/Nov/Dec ... I didn't plan anything for my husband for January, either.

When a friend asked me what we were doing for my husband's birthday, I didn't know. I asked my husband and an 'open house chili feed' was hatched for last Saturday (a week from today). I had two days to make calls (I'm sure I didn't call someone inadvertently. Sorry!) and get the chili fixings and set up a place in his shop for folks to stop by and have some chili, drink a beer and call my husband an 'old man'!

Even though it was such a short notice, we were pleasantly surprised by how many were able to drop by. Four bikes rumbled in for a quick bowl of chili, a beer, and a hug of gratitude that they came for a short time before they had to head back home. The low 50 degree temperature was not the best for a Harley ride. But we were sure glad they toughed it out. The rest made it out in their favorite, warm, 4 wheeled rides. :)

Our favorite time during this birthday open house was when the 5 year old grandson of one of our friends talked us in to playing musical chairs! My husband and I were missing our grandson and so it wasn't hard to get us involved. What a joy and lots of laughs when the other couples got involved! And, yes, we let this little guy win!

The following Sunday found my husband and I cleaning up after the party and giggling over some of the memories. Once we got our cleaning done, the rest of the day was spent watching movies. Wonderfully relaxing, which those who know my husband, is very difficult for him to do. He's my work-a-holic. 

I think it is very interesting that my husband's birthday fall's during the 'Wolf Moon'. This is the first year I really paid that any heed.







The 'Wolf Moon' photographed by my husband. He bought a new camera for 'us' to use. Since he was an art major in college at the UNL, with a photography minor, I am thrilled to see him get re-involved!







Several years ago I did my version of a 'Vision Quest' to Bear Mountain near Sturgis, SD. I've shared some of my experience in previous posts but not the whole experience. Someday I will write the whole story. But not today, since this post is focusing on my husband's 60th celebration. It is a story that begins with a dream about a wolf and it wasn't until THIS 'Wolf Moon' that I recalled that dream and was struck with the 'misinterrupertation' of that dream more than 12 years ago. Sorry, that's a story for a later blog.

Anyway, on the following Monday, the day of my husband's actual birthday, he was first greeted with several birthday wishes on a show sponsored by the local radio KMCX 106.5 country station. For a few minutes before the 8:30 am mark, folks can call into the 'Good News Program' and wish friends and loved ones Happy Birthday. I know you city folk probably find that kind of program hoaky but we love it here in the country sandhills, small town USA.

My husband works for the local power company and he paid a fellow worker and friend to bake him some treats to have during coffee break, that day, for all his co-workers. Are you wondering why I didn't bake something up for his special day? If you knew my cooking skills, you would not have to wonder at this! He said it was a great hit and he even got a surprise and meaningful birthday serenade from one of his coworkers!

Before he came home from work, he said he was also surprised by a bouquet of flowers in a beer mug that arrived from my daughter, Shelby and family. By the time he brought em home at the end of the week .... even the cats loved his mug-o-beer-flowers!

For the evening meal on this special day, I baked potatoes. Both white and yams. I re-heated my 7 bean chili, left over from Saturday's open house chili feed, and poured that over the chosen potato that had been prepped with butter and grated cheese, and topped with a spoonful of cole slaw. (Yikes, cole slaw! Yep, the flavor is awesome together!)

This was all served on our lil two topper table (I bought at a garage sale) which I covered with a 'black' table cloth and added a candle to. I had 50's music playing in the background on DISH. Poor guy. Since I was born in the 50's, too, and remember those songs playing all the time my Aunt Patty babysat my brothers and I ... I couldn't help but sing along. Yep ... poor guy!

He poured Chaco Canyon Pale Ale into his favorite etched glasses (that prevent the foam ever from running over the rim of the glass) and brought them to the table, where a spring salad with diced carrots, red onions, and apples sprinkled on top, and a splash of ranch & honey mustard dressing, were added, to finish our meal out.  AND he didn't act like my singing was that unbearable ... really. :)

It was romantic and special. In a normal setting, we often eat, in our favorite chairs, in separate areas since our TV interests are more often different. It was a nice change for a birthday!

Throughout the week, my husband was warmed by the greetings,  several cards and calls that he received to celebrate his birthday. And, finally, on Friday, Feb 1st, anyone who wished to, joined us up at the Open Range restaurant/bar for burgers and beer.

This final celebration was attended primarily by his work comrades, whom he considers friends. What a great time! It was awesome to also see some retired friends that we hadn't seen in a while.

Now, here it is, a week after his first party. My husband had a bit too much fun last night, and appears to be moving a bit slow today. I marvel at his ability to drink as much as he did and not have the kind of hangovers that would keep me down for near a week. The good thing about me not drinking like that anymore is that I can be available to help him pull wire in his shop on this beautiful Saturday (remember, this is my work-a-holic) ... instead of worshiping that porcelain god for a few days.

So, a week of celebration should be time enough to welcome in the 60th year of life, right? Who says a birthday is celebrated in just a moment?

I, for one, am grateful for this guy. He has helped grow me over the years we've been together. I can only hope that I, too, have been such a 'spice' to his 60 years (and growing) of life.  

WHERE IS THE SUNSHINE? LOOK WITH YOUR HEART!

I'm in shock. It is a new year! AND, if you are reading this,  you survived the apocalypse of 12-21-12 along with me. I never really thought the world would end so that isn't my 'shock'. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around the truth that I'm still here experiencing life after years of trying or wanting to die. I NEVER dreamed I would survive ME and, now, the year I turn 60 has arrived! Here, by the grace of God, go I!

So, besides housing my 60th year, what does 2013 have in store for me? If January is any indicator then I can count on CHANGE. The year opened with the sandhills blanketed in a couple of inches of much needed snow (need more!), my recovery from back surgery surpassing expectations and my daughter and her family moving back to her favorite home town, Lincoln, NE.

I'm obsessed with change being a constant, complaining about it and panicking that it (CHANGE) is slamming me at a blinding rate! What is the secret to slowing the pace down? Please, if anyone is reading this and has some insight, I welcome your thoughts and ideas. Otherwise, I seem to be stuck in surrendering to the lack of control and feeling defeated as much as I feel honored to have this opportunity to witness all the change.

 



My daughter and her family moved from their corner rental in Roscoe, NE  of the last four plus years, to a home they bought. Their 1st real home on a corner lot in Lincoln, NE. This was a change that I knew was coming by February of this year but I was caught by surprise when Shelby called, the second weekend in January, to say they had most of their stuff moved already. Whoa! She confirmed this was not planned but she was so excited when so many dear folks had showed up to help. What was planned to be a weekend of moving a few items to their new home, turned into a mass exodus with her husband's family driving back and forth across the state to help. Awesome people!

 

I should be happy that my husband and I missed out on all that work. We have been her primary movers for most of her life. Instead, I felt like the sunshine had been darkened over in my life. All I could do was cry. I was full of memories and chest tightening feelings of loss.

 

I remember when she called me, seemingly a life-time ago, to ask if she and her then, boyfriend, could come stay with us until they could get back on their feet. I had the wonderful opportunity to watch both of them grow and become the more awesome couple they are today.

 

I remember when they told me I was going to be a grandma again! Never will I regret the choice to downsize my cleaning business so I could be the care giver for my grandson! Anyone, willing to listen, will hear of the blessing this was to me.

 

I have a history. Those close to me, know it. This time with my grandson helped me heal the guilt of my lousy parenting skills with my own son. I was a child abuser with my son. I've posted some of my history and the lessons learned over the years, in earlier posts. The cycle was/is broken! My grandson gave me the gift of assurance and faith that one can change the dark into sunshine when they sincerely surrender the darkness! Once an abuser, always an abuser is a myth! 

 

I remember when Patrick asked both 'father's' for Shelby's hand in marriage! Both Patrick and Shelby had grown so much by then! Both were in good jobs and had settled their family in the rental at Roscoe and were ready to celebrate their choices with friends and loved ones. What memories that time invokes in my heart. A time of joy, stress and love! Sheesh ... I still have your wedding pictures, Shelby! Where's the scrapbook and photos I had planned to work up from them? Wasn't that my plan back then? Shel, if you read this ... I give you permission to nag me to get my butt in gear! BEFORE another year goes by! (Darn, another thing to add to my growing list of to do's in 2013! Will I ever  CHANGE my procrastination issues!)

 

Memories can comfort and heal most loss. Memories can shine out or darken the heart. The memories of this time that Shelby and her growing family spent in Ogallala for the last several years shine out. And now they are all on a new adventure. Shelby was born in Lincoln. Her Dad's family is in Lincoln, so she will have family close. I don't begrudge them all this wonderful opportunity to grow in another chapter of their life. I will miss seeing them as often but we are only a text or phone call or a Facebook post away! AND I love their new home! I will pray for it to be more full of sunshine memories!!

 

The most treasured thing about their move was when Shelby's daughter choose to stay with her Nana and Popo the last week of their move. This eldest grand-daughter normally would choose to hang with her Rodriguez family. She seemed to have a stronger bond with this family then with us. I wish I could say I was very mature about this bond but I must admit to feelings of rejection and hurt. So when she came to stay with us for her last week in Ogallala, I was moved to tears. Like with grandson, this was so healing to my heart. I believe it gave Justice and I some much needed time to talk and find some common ground to understand each other on.

 

It was with a heavy heart that I drove Justice to Lincoln after that week, wishing so, and telling her, too, that she might choose to hang at Popo's and Nana's til the end of this school year. She was upset at having to move about as much as she was excited to move. She didn't want to leave her friends and wasn't looking forward to trying to make new friends in Lincoln. But she was ready. She didn't want to hang in Ogallala longer ... she didn't want to go, either. But I think she was ready.


~*~*~

I would like to take this moment, just in case my dear grand-daughter would read this post, to tell you, Justice, that I love you! We love you! This home is always your home. You matter to me. You were my first grandchild. I was there when you were born and oh, what a miracle that was!! You were such a beautiful baby and you are growing into a most beautiful woman. I understand your inner confusion more than you know! I don't have all the answers but I'm always here for you. I will listen. I will hear your heart and give you a love that has no expectations (except maybe that you'd pick up after yerself, but that's something good for you, right?)! I wish I was a better example of tools to glean from, to help you deal with the world's darkness. I'm so sorry. However, I am full of faith, hope and love to shower you, Justice, with forever. And when the day comes that I am physically gone, know I will find a way to remind you, I left you all my faith, hope and love and a Key. A Key ...  to finding the rest of what you need when you become willing to use IT.

~*~*~

So, January is ending with Shelby and family all moved, my husband turning 60 first, my back showing continued improvement, and another snow flurry leaving behind a slight snow cover to open February with. No sunshine. Cloudy and cold. But with my heart I will look to tomorrow and seek to share the 'shine' in spite of the clouds. Besides, clouds are temporary. The darkness is only a moment.

Focus.
Turn on the light.
Do what needs to be done.
Let go of all that hinders.
AND believe that I'm still here for a reason. Dieing is something everyone is going to do. Living is something only a few ever really learn to do. Me? I'm still learning how to live.
I'm still in shock that this year I will be 60.
From here, by the grace of God, go I.

And so it is, as I end this post and go to click on 'publish', the sun has come out and flooded my world with sunshine.

 

 

2012 is going out in snowy style! The ground is covered in a few inches of snow and the cold of winter is forcing me to dig out some of my old shawls that I use to wear when I was a hippie. I get into my favorite chair, cover up with one of my favorite gifts of Christmas's past, a plush (fake) mink throw, and wrap a shawl around my shoulders and I'm ready for some TV or reading or posting on this blog, like I'm doing now.

 

This usually the time of year I reflect on it's passing and what the new year may bring. This has been one tough year. Not the toughest ever for my near 60 years in review but one I don't want to relive.

 

~  My back tops the list of tough. An already bad back was made worse on June 1st when I fractured my L1 and compressed further the rest of the L's so bad that I had to have major surgery to fuse the L4 - L5 October 1st.

    Now as the year closes out, my back is much better than before surgery. The constant pain has been replaced with a slight discomfort and when I bend too much, a slight ache. My prayer is that I can keep from injuring my back further so that the L3 won't need fusing to the L4 and L5 won't need fusing to S1. Those areas of my spin are also damaged.

 

~  My finances took a big hit this year. Not being able to work for a while meant a slash to my budget. Christmas would have been more of a bummer for me if my husband hadn't stepped in to help.

    Funny thing though. Gifts of money this Christmas were more than past Christmas's. My checkbook was rescued just as it reached the last $3 mark. Thank You, Lord, for answered prayer! Now I'm praying the 'fiscal cliff' is resolved so next year's budget isn't raped.

 

~  This years election nearly broke my marriage apart.

    The next four years will determine if trust was misplaced.

 

~  Death reared it's ugly head in several ways this year. Lost folks dear to me, family and friends of family. Those personal losses never healed before the next one would hit OR some sick soul would go out and shoot up a theater, and a school and .... to much sorrow both personally and nationally.

    Death will never go away. We are all born to die. I'm not talking about spiritual things ... that's beyond my understanding. I'm talking about the one constant of life ... death. So, it would be nice to have 2013 be the 'lucky' year of minimal loss.

 

Yes, it has been a rough year. I've just listed a few because to post a complete list would be a book ... and a drag. I'm looking ahead now.

 

We didn't have a cataclysmic event on 12-21-12. Everything seems as it was, with no doom and gloom.

 

No one knows the plans or thoughts of God, so it is my prayer that He is waiting for the 'Big' day so everyone has a chance to change ... or whatever.

 

I'm just glad that there is still time ... Still hope in the year to come.

I'm glad the year is nearly over and pray next year will be blessed.

 

 

 

 

 

Happy New Year to all! May you be blessed! May your dreams come true!  May 2013 be your best year yet!

 



Gertrude and I

Pictured:  Dewey Dillon, Sandy (author), and my dear Gertrude McVay. This was taken at her birthday party that her niece, Jill, put together for her in 2008.












SHE HAD SOMETHING 'BETTER' TO DO






I took my place at what I believed to be the head of her casket and gave her my last gift ... my gift of a song, sung to the tune of Edelweiss:

 

May the Lord Mighty God,

Bless and keep you forever.

Grant you peace,

Perfect peace,

Courage in every endeavor.

Lift up your eyes,

And see His Face,

And His Grace forever.

May the Lord Mighty God,

Bless and keep you forever.

A song that I began with a broken voice, nervous, because folks were filing out from under the blue protective tent, heading to their cars and I feared they would think me daft. But by the end of the song, my voice was strong and I hoped it did her justice. Good-bye dear friend, my Gertrude Madre. (Madre - spanish for mother.)

Today, Gertrude McVay was laid to rest. She made it to 93. She was always trying to make it another year. I figured she'd try to out do her mother. Mary made it to 103. But on the night of her 93rd birthday she was admitted to the hospital and left us to do 'better' things, ten days later.

If she could have observed her own funeral, I think she would have been very moved. Several people got up and shared during the celebration of memories about her. I even went up, in spite of my fears of falling from my vertigo that has been haunting me for near a month now. I don't remember what I said! Wish I would have wrote it down! When I sat down and others shared ... I remembered even more memories that I could have added.

The good thing about a blog ... I can share those thoughts and memories here. I may be the only one writing/reading this, but hey, that's not really important to me. My writing has always been my vent, my canvas, my best friend most of the time. No one reading it, can't take that away.

So, this is what I would like to have said (and some of it I may have) during this special celebration. It is what I would have told her if she was still here and I'm sorry I missed my opportunity before. It's seems death is like that, it captures and silences all the should have and would haves.

I met Gertrude like many Ogallala hometowners, when I

enlisted her services to care for my daughter and step-son

when they were 7 years old. She was a popular choice in

Ogallala for her childcare services. But it wasn't until she

called me to come clean for her, over 10 years ago,

when I was just starting out in my newly formed

cleaning business, that I came to

 know her.

What began with me as her cleaning lady, soon developed

into a friendship and as the years went by ... more than

friendship. I grew to love this woman and adopted her as

my Mother. My own Mother and I were struggling at that

time. I didn't know then what I know now about

Alzheimer's. Gertrude and I had some long heart to

heart talks. At least I HAVE told her this one thing

many times ... she healed my heart and relationship

with my Mom. For that, I will be forever grateful.

During those years, I invited Gertude out several times

for special holiday meals with our family and on one Easter,

I also invited Dewey Dillon. After dinner we all sat down

and our family introduced Gertrude and Dewey to

the game of Dominoes. Oh what fun that was!

What I didn't know, until the next clean, was that

my daughter, Shelby, would drop off a game of Dominoes

to Gertrude. From that time on, it was the game of choice.

In fact, the couple of times I would sit and play with them,

 after a cleaning, I'd swear there were new rules to the

game. Every time after that surprise gift from Shelby,

Gertrude would praise her to me and profusely thank me

for introducing them to the game. I think she enjoyed and continued to play the game when she went to the Grant home.

This woman loved her clothes. I could so identify with that!

 She also loved her jewelry. Again, I could identify with that.

She collected angels. I collected lots of other stuff that

could match her thousands of angels throughout her home.

She always looked beautiful. Her hair fixed, her cute outfits

with her favorite jewelry which was often angel pins, she

was a classy lady. I looked up to her and enjoyed that we

had so much in common. Both of us LOVED to go thrift shop shopping! No Macy's or Dillard's for us!!

There is so much more I could tell you about this

amazing woman but I guess this is only important to me

and I'm not good enough with my words to paint a picture

 that you would love as much as I do/did her. She

touched many hearts in our small towns of Ogallala

and Grant. She will be missed by many.

So, dear lady, I don't know it you can read this from

where you are, but I want to tell you I love you to the moon

and back! Thank you for that call to clean your home!

Thank you for wanting to be my friend. And thank you

for loving me. I bet you have your own angel wings now!

 If you do, I pray that God would let you come whisper

 in my ear and remind me of my healed heart or just

to give me one of your famous hugs and tell me those

 'I love you's',  you so freely handed out! I hope it's yer

mug I see, Gertrude Madre, coming to greet me

when it is my turn to go find something 'better' to do.