COFFEE BREAK SERIES

COFFEE BREAK #2


Addiction ~ dependence on or commitment to a habit, practice, or habit-forming substance to the extent that its cessation causes trauma.

Compulsion ~ 1. the act of compelling; constraint; coercion. 2. the state or condition of being compelled. 3. a strong, usu. irresistible impulse to perform an act, esp. one that is irrational or contrary to one's will.

Compulsive ~ 1. pertaining to, characterized by, or involving compulsion: compulsive eating. 2. characterized by perfectionism, rigidity, conscientiousness, and an obsessive concern with order and detail. 3. compelling; compulsory. 4. a compulsive person.


The Serenity Prayer has a special place in my heart. It came to me as a lifeline back in the late 70's and has helped me sort through my life ever since. I was introduced to the Serenity Prayer when I was committed to treatment at the Hastings Regional Center after a week in the hospital for an overdose that should have resulted in two fatalities. Two? I died, twice, and yet lived. One of many miracles I would experience. AND my nearly 4 year old son survived being left alone in our apartment for over 3 days before anyone knew he was there and rescued him. Another of the many miracles I have experienced in my life. I've shared my story many times and so, in this coffee break I don't intend to share it again. No, I'm fast forwarding from the late 70's to now ... the last quarter of 2012.

I am obsessively compulsive with a compulsion for addiction. I am a lost cause, right? Oh HELL no!!! I am a survivor! I beat the odds every day ... as long as I cling to my lifeline. GOD. 

When I left the Hastings Regional Center after successfully completing their 30 day treatment program ... that took me 3 months to complete back in the 70's, I was taken to a half-way house for women, St Monica's, in Lincoln, NE. From that time on, until now, I've been in a battle for my life. I have been so blessed with the 'teachers' over this time period that have given me life tools to CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN. I am not the same person I was before my treatment. I may have successfully completed their treatment program but successful living has taken much longer. Not even sure I've yet the right to claim success today.

It's been a process. I've have been sober nearly 10 years straight, and have 'fallen off the wagon' off and on for many more years since. December 31, 1997 I layed down all whiskey. And from that time on I tried to rationalize that drinking just beer or wine or liqueurs were ok since I did not drink them to drunkenness. Though this may have been a valid point, for me, I have some health issues that make drinking a danger. For me, the WISEST thing to do is NOT to drink.

I have not had a drink since February 14, 2012. I have more courage to CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN when I choose not to drink. And my liver thanks me.

So I don't drink. That solves my obsessive compulsiveness, right? NOT!

I don't drink but I 'collect'. Some might label my 'collections' as compulsions. And after watching a few reality TV shows on hoarders, I too, am labeling my collections as compulsions. (The one on the woman who hoarded empty boxes was especially enlightening since I 'collect' empty office copy paper boxes. They are great to 'collect' my garage sale items in, for that future garage sale. I think I've got 15 empty boxes to fill yet.)

Let's take a peek at my 'collections':

Clothes and jewelry.

I love garage sales and thrift shops. I'm not in to spending lots of bucks on name brand items when you can find em in a thrift shop. Just give em a good cleaning and wah-lah! I look for unusual items and color coordinated add ons and cosmetic jewelry that intrigues me. (and usually ONLY me) I can't count for you all the jewelry boxes, or clothing items ... this lil room is full ... maybe too full, huh?

Oh and shoes ... lots of shoes ...

and books ... several shelves of books ...

and pictures ... pictures in frames ... thousands, and more, of pictures on CD, on the computer ... lots and lots of pictures.



and finally, pens. I have more than 10 containers of pens. I'm a compulsive underliner in my self help books! I buy those colored gel pens to underline in different colors. I'm due for a new Bible because I've underlined so much that some text is unreadable. I have pens everywhere.

Oh wait ... I also compulsively 'collect' rocks! As a child I use to sit on the sidewalk outside Grandma's house and with a hammer, break em open. I think that was my way of dealing with the trauma I was living with during Mom's 2nd marriage. Once treatment, years of counseling, and lots of soul healing ... the rocks I have all over my house, now, have been collected as is. I can almost tell you where every rock 1st resided. One of my favorite Christmas gifts was a rock given me by my daughter when she was 7.

I'm sure there are more compulsions I have ... this is just a peek.

Is this better than drinking? Only if SERENITY is gained. My compulsions seem easier to tame when I don't drink. But I have too much. It is too crowded. I'm getting old enough now that I need to get rid of 3/4's of it all. What a mess my family will have trying to sort through it all when I move on. 

Drinking or not, I will always cling to this prayer, faith in a God that guides my walk, when I let Him, and the desire to always change what I can to find serenity in the way I walk my life. Serenity for me usually means  SERENITY for my loved ones.

So,

God grant me the SERENITY,

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN,

and the WISDOM to know the difference.