I was trying to cut/paste my poems from Facebook to blog but not savvy enough to figure out why they paste on top of each other or when previewing, only part of the poem shows in preview. Sooooo am doing it an old cumbersome way, a paste per new blog post! 

And so again:

Day 3 of the 5 day poetry challenge. Sorry but unable to do these days consecutively. (Started this challenge in mid July.) Hope I'm not breaking any rules. I'm suppose to nominate for this 5 day poetry challenge and so I nominate Justice Alicia via Mia Sandoval (here on Facebook) AND also Mia Sandoval. Mia, you could do a short poem and post it with your selfie of the day. Or not. You love theater so dream big. I also nominate April Teddlie.

THE FADE

What was it like to fade away?
All that was familiar is now strange.
Did they know they were fading?
Were plans made for such a change?

First it was post-it notes to instruct,
Then it was the lapse in time,
When you find them wandering,
Forgetting what they wanted to find.

Some get angry for no reason at all!
Can't say I blame them for such action,
With a whole world upside down,
And they at the center of attention.

Some just quietly disappear,
One day here and the next day gone!
No warning with these tender souls,
"Surprise, you're at the end of your life song!"

My heart breaks for such a burden,
When the mind leaves before the body.
When memories fade to total blank,
And you become their strange somebody.

Can I only pray this will all pass,
And not become my own fate?
Or am I destined to join the fade,
And never remember when it's too late?

Sandra K Harrison
August 1, 2015

NOTE: If I have any followers, you've probably noticed I have not been blogging regularly. I hope to remedy that. But no promises .... just in case I have some real fans. And no disrespect to such fans. I am in a funk and trying to work my way out of it. Par for the course for someone whom has fought depression most of her life and now may be joining the ranks as someone with Alzheimer's.

And:

Day 2 of the 5 day poetry challenge ...

Never Regret

So where to from here, Lord?
Didn't expect to get this far.
So right there ...
I'm mighty grateful, Lord!

But seems to me that getting old,
Makes living more challenging.
And like an invisibility cloak,
I am no longer visibly bold.

To not be seen is like death itself.
There is a time for solitude,
But ... when you walk on by,
I'm like that picture ignored on the shelf.

There was a time I WAS seen.
And I ran from the attention,
Because I was sought by evil,
And I blamed it all on being seen.

Sometimes I even hid,
Behind couches and self made walls.
Or I'd run only to have me find me,
And a world judging all I did.

Now I'm old and gray in the mirror,
But when I look away I remember,
That skinny girl with long blonde hair,
Who often perceived like a seer.

Now I have too many regrets,
And a life filling with mixed memories.
As I venture through this last life season,
Help me Lord find life I never want to regret.

Sandra K. harrison
03-28-15

I was nominated on Facebook by Paige Namuth for a 5 day poetry challenge. Not sure of the rules or if there are any. Here is what I have done so far:

Day 1 of the five day poetry challenge I was nominated for by Paige Namuth.

Made it home.
Home is our Sandhill retreat,
And the rose made the journey, too.

Unpacked memories,
Opened up all the windows,
And a cooling breeze filled this country home.

There was the rose.
Soon it's beauty will be in full wilt,
And will remind me she is gone to a New Home.

Nothing lasts forever.
Not the rose nor the breeze,
And the journey is both fun and sad.

Dance through the fun times of life,
Sing through the sad times of death,
And be the rose until the moment is gone.

Forever can be a memory,
That one can unpack for reflection,
And know also that a dried rose will remember.

My Heart Still Aches

Posted to my Facebook Timeline today:


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• Nicole Church, Paige Namuth, Jennifer Lene Van Vleet and 2 others like this.
• 

  Monica Snider Gonzalez Rest In Peace Mark

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• 

  Roxie StepinMaebe McBroom Rest in peace Mark, what a blessing your last time together was

  1 hr · Unlike · 1
• 

  Roseanna Torres Prayers of comfort for you.

  1 hr · Unlike · 1
• 

  Sandy Harrison Mark died in 2008. Gosh doesn't seem like 7 years has gone by already. Thinking of loved ones that have left seems to have a timeless effect, don't ya think?

P

Today is the death anniversary of my brother Mark Walker. He died of an abdominal aneursym at the NP Flying J Truckstop, in North Platte, NE, where he and brother Carl had stopped for a meal while on their way back from attending the funeral of our cousin, Cindy, only the day before in our home town of Ogallala, NE. My heart still aches but I also marvel at the timing. Mark had been on the transplant list for a liver and so we weren't surprised when he left us before his name came up but we were surprised it was an aneursym that claimed him. We were all reeling from the sudden loss of our cousin but her death blessed me with precious time with my brothers Mark & Carl. The morning of Mark's death, he and I and Carl sat on the front porch of my home and talked about years of memories. Mark made some amends that morning to Carl & I and spoke of the amends he knew he still needed to make to others but didn't want to make wounds bigger. The sun was shining that beautiful morning and we siblings were healing right there in its light. When the boys headed home, we were all crying and hugging and so glad that we had that amends & memory time. We had NO CLUE that after the boys stopped and visited Aunt Grace & Uncle Al, that Mark would be leaving us during that stop to eat his favorite meal, chicken fried steak & eggs. A meal that he was restricted from. He was not suppose to eat protein because of his liver disease and he had a lot of protein that weekend. I smile when I think of his rebellion on his diet ... and how it wasn't the reason for his leaving ... I smile because that was Mark; a rebel soul that was tamed over the years by the consequences of choices that he paid a high price for, who tried to make the changes needed but often fell short of the goal. Something I still identify with. Well, brother Mark, I am comforted that God seen your suffering and knew you had paid the price long enough and gave you rest from your pain. But my heart still aches.

This last picture was taken in October 2007. Our youngest brother Donny, came from AZ and Carl, Mark, and Sue came from Lincoln so we could all meet with Dr Colglazier at the Grant, NE hospital to have a family conference regarding Mom. That conference was the most stressful experience ever and not because we were discussing Mom's health and future care but because we were all tramatized by the inappropriate, unprofessional display of abusive anger from a doctor! Carl, Mark and I were familiar with such rage but shocked that what was perpetrated on us as lil tikes was now being slammed at us as worried adult family members. But that is a memory I'm not wanting to reflect on in this posting. I just wanted to post a picture of all of us together just months before Mark died. Mark's wife, Sue Walker is taking this picture. 

So I went to my picture files from that weekend and pulled up one from when we were working on Mom's home during that same time. I will never forget the support of family during a difficult time that Mom was going through. Again, we had no clue we'd be back together the following year in May for ...

Love and Peace Dear Brother Mark 

LIFE IS FULL OR EMPTY DEPENDING ON THE PILOT

Spring is just around the corner and it will thaw all the winter residue and set the pace for the summer blast. Funny how the weather seasons are so predictable in a very unpredictable way. We can predict the possibilities based on the signs, becoming more adept and right, as tools improve, that aide in those predictions. Amazing!

Weather has always intrigued me. If you would have asked a young me 50+ years ago, what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have said a weather watcher. Not one of those that reported on TV but one of those that studied it. Years later, I would learn about becoming a Meteorologist ... but I would become lost in life issues that postponed any kind of education and faded all Meteorologist desire over the years to the present ... where I can ask Siri, on my iPad, what today's weather will be. She graciously tells me and lists the days temps. Weather now at my finger tips! What a concept!

We love it when the grandchildren come to stay for a bit with Po and Nana. We got our first grandchildren stay, this year, when our Lincoln, NE clan had Spring Break during March 9th through the 13th. 

With the warmer weather, we took our annual hike around the rocky beach near Lake McConaughy's Morning Glory. Much of Lake Mac is still frozen and the warmer weather made the ice unsafe to walk on. I watched my family scramble around the rocky beach from paths on the bluffs above. I had been feeling wobbly most of this day and my feet were still hurting. Why were my feet hurting? That is a mystery for me to yet solve. 

From my vantage point I took pictures and mentally compared this hike with past hikes and family time together. These grandchildren are changing fast and with as much predictable unpredictability as the weather. I wish they wouldn't change sometimes. I wish they were still babies, or that we were still in one of those happy family times. But as we all hike today, each of us are dealing with life issues. We are each in a personal struggle or stress, making this hike somewhat strained but worth the effort. We may not have solved all our problems but collectively we hiked away from them for a bit.

The pictures I took seemed so bland .... and like the bland, icy landscape before us, my emotions were just as bland. From my emotional vantage point at 61, soon to be 62, I found I was just as wobbly and full of growing hurts from my life that are leaving me feeling frozen in helplessness. I keep looking for a path, on a bluff, from a vantage point where I can understand what I need to do or to let go of. 

Waiting for the thaw ...

WALMART COMES TO MY HOMETOWN

Wally World is Here!

It finally happened, after years of yes ... then a couple of years of no ... and finally ... my hometown of Ogallala, NE, has its own mini Walmart supercenter. It opened on Wednesday, January 28th. 

The doors opened at 7:30 am and Brother Carl and I were there to walk through, right on time. What an experience!

The Walmart Associates were lined up on both sides and gave a high five to all who entered the store. It sure pumped me up and I found myself trying to high five everyone and yelling like I was a silly school girl!

The opening ceremonies began with the Store Manager who named and thanked those who had helped get the store up and running. There was a flag presentation by our local military guard, the Star Spangled Banner sung acappella by one of the Walmart Associates and speeches that I don't remember but enjoyed the positivity of what was being said. I was more busy watching all the associates around me and how they actually looked excited. Was it a ruse?

Walmart coming to this community has not been accepted by everyone. Who can please everyone, anyway, right? And opposition to Walmart is nothing new, even to them. There are always the reports that having a Walmart come to your town means the death of the town. If that is true ... I don't know of even one. Or the familiar tune that it will put local businesses out of business. That was happening here, long before Walmart was a possibility. There has been an ebb and flow of business in the history of Ogallala from it's onset.

Well, unlike the nay sayers, I am very glad we have our own Wally World! I love shopping in Walmart and it was such a drag to drive 50 to 80 miles to find the nearest store! Interesting enough, Walmart has diversity in their stores so I like to check them all out. 

There are some Walmarts that I don't enjoy because they are usually stocked with boring items and their associates lack the luster I witnessed in our Walmart Associates on it's opening day. I definitely don't like shopping in Lincoln's Walmart, especially since they made themselves hard to find! Why did you move from North 27th and Cornhusker, Lincoln Walmart? Way out East Lincoln is not a draw for me when I come back to visit one of my favorite cities I use to live in. (Unless I'm heading that way for Best Buy, which also disappointed me with their East Lincoln move!)

Anyway, I enjoy shopping at the Sterling, CO Walmart the most and the North Platte, NE store is my second choice. From my experience not all Walmarts are the same. Similar but not the same.

AND I believe having our own Wally World will add to our community. I know of one business already that opened a store here recently, only because we were getting a Walmart store. This store will also be an added source of employment (maybe to the chagrin of other businesses that will now have to compete for a work force) and it offers more affordable selections to a community that was in sore need of such. Many of those disappointed local businesses, are so, because they charge too much for products that we can now get locally cheaper at Walmart. No more lists to make and hold until I'm North Platte bound!

Walmart is an awesome donator to local food pantries, and they will support the community in ways that can help it grow. Heck ... maybe they are the ones to approach for donations/help to bring back a clinic to this community to assist the low income since the community leaders shut it down with lots of excuses as to why. Excuses that don't help those in need. (Please don't message me with the BS that there are only people who sit on their butts and pretend need. In my opinion, you are one of the haters that have never walked a day in 'need' shoes. You judge and complain and refuse to understand .... until you are the one in need. Hmmmm ... watch out for Karma.)

I am excited to see how this Walmart grows on our community and if it will take it's place on my list of favorite Walmarts to shop in.


And who should be filmed in the check out at Walmarts on opening day by KNOP-TV NEWS?

Reviewing 2014

Once again, I marvel at how fast the year flew by! I am still convinced that the older we get the faster time travels away from us! 

It is that time of year ... again ... when I look back at the path I traveled and how far I have come. Each year that path seems longer and at times more difficult. This year ... not so bad ... but ... not the best either.

This was the first year my husband has experienced as a retiree. He loves his retirement! He can ride his Harley whenever he wants and though he prefers a beautiful day, as long as it is not raining, snowing or a day with hurricane force winds, he can be found on his Harley. Otherwise, he can be found in his shop sand blasting something or working on his bike or a friends bike or just enjoying a beer. 

I have enjoyed my husbands retirement for the most part. He does more housework now that he is home more and he has refrained from micro managing my life ... most of the time. I was worried about him last year when his job seemed to stress him and feared I'd loose him to a heart attack. Then, in retirement, I feared he would try to manage all my time. Neither have happened. 

Now, I'm just praying we will grow old together in contentment and good health.

Our home has been especially quiet this year when the grandchildren aren't staying with us or we aren't celebrating our annual 4th of July get together. Two cats and an aging couple make for a near boring life.

Grandchildren are growing way too fast. 

Justice is 16. She enjoys living in Lincoln, NE and has found a home in Lincoln High, her high school. She is still an avid artist and is developing an interest in poetry writing. I look forward to watching what she will grow into and pray for her life adventures to be both safe and rewarding to her. 

Ryenn is 11. She has always had a hard time leaving Dad and Mom for any length of time to stay with anyone. This year she has spent time with us without crying to go home nearly the same day she arrived. What a blessing that has been! She has a sense of humor and is quite the computer geek. Her friends are her life but this year she has made room for Popo and Nana ... and of course, as always, her cousin, Corban. 

Corban is 6. He physically changes each time I see him! So far, personal interests or friends have not kept him from wanting to come to Po's and Nana's whenever possible! I hope that never changes. In fact, he became sick with Mono this November and we had the honor of caring for him for two weeks of his 3week illness. Yes ... honor!

I love being a grandparent!

I love my family!

My son and his wife have endured some hardships over the last couple of years but this year has blessed them with new jobs and new dreams. We were lucky that with job changes that they were able to come spend Christmas with us. We are all looking forward now to the annual 4th of July get together. On a sad note, Billie lost her Dad over Christmas weekend. I pray special memories of her Dad, Bill, will be a comfort and ease the pain of such a loss. 

We had the Harrison Christmas early in December and were surprised by some time with our youngest son. Clint is always a joy to spend time with! He has had a busy year. He and his partner have an exchange student staying with them this year and that has changed the dynamics of home life. Clint is also back in college and funds are tight so we really didn't expect to see him this year! What a treat!

Front row: Patrick, Corban, Eli, Bonnie, Sera, Me, Mom Harrison, Rachel and her husband Hyle.
Second row: Shelby, Rich, Arlene, Clint, and Justice.
Ron/husband is taking the picture and prefers not to be in the picture. Besides, prime rib is getting cold so no time for another picture.


My daughter and her husband are still enduring some hardships this year. We were so glad we got to celebrate Christmas with them in York, NE. Shelby changed jobs and loves her new job as a legal secretary. They have taken on the care of Shelby's godchild and that has put a strain in the mix. But then, my daughter seems to function best when stress is high. She has such a heart and tries so hard that she often forgets to take care of herself or takes the harder path. Hmmmm ... sounds a lot like her mother.

My prayer for all our kids are that they would be blessed financially ... enough to help them decrease the hardships that stress them all. I pray they all will be blessed with fulfilled dreams and lots of family love! And that all changes in their lives will be handled with the utmost amount of grace, and that God will touch them all in special ways.

This year my Mom is still recovering in the Imperial Manor Nursing Home. I keep praying that she will get well enough to come back to her home, the family home, she worked so hard to maintain as a legacy for her children. Her legacy to me is her hard work. I can only pray to offer my family all the gifts she has given me over the years. I am still unwrapping those gifts in my heart and discovering every year how much she has impacted my life

Brother Carl made it to Mom's Christmas party at the manor (above picture) for the third year. He has been such a blessing! He cares for the family home in a way I sure didn't expect. I had thought baby brother Don Gillespie would have been the best care taker, but Carl has been so respectful of her home. And he has been a surprising budget manager with the limit funds he has. What a hard worker! 

Now if he would just consider not smoking anymore because his cough is more persistent. I fear his life span will be much shorter because of it. He reminds me of Grandpa Hall and Aunt Patty. When they were both terminal they kept their passion for smoking alive. "What do I have left?" was Aunt Patty's response each time I'd warn of smoking shortening her life. 

We tried to enroll brother Carl in the new health care by this years deadline. He can't afford the cost and NE refused to enlarge their Medicaid base so he is still without insurance. Hopefully his paltry $6000/yr income will keep the government from fining him and taking more of the money he doesn't have to give! 

More important ... because he doesn't have insurance, and Ogallala closed down their low income clinic, he won't go to the doctor to find out if he has bronchitis, or COPD, or to check if his cancer is back. "Do I eat, or go to doctor?" and "I won't quit smoking anyway." are his replies to me. I don't have the power or resources to help him and this breaks my heart.

So for my brother, my prayer is that God would heal him and bless him with those lottery millions he often dreams about. He buys the cheaper Mega Million ticket, 1 time a week. Lord? 

Finally, this December 27th, my husband and I celebrated our 12th year of marriage. We met on April 19, 1986 but didn't start dating until February of 1987. We split up for a couple of years in 1996 but got back together after deciding that we belonged together. 

It has been a rocky road for us, but smoother than two stubborn hearts could hope for. He is so much a part of my life that I can't imagine my life without him. We have lots of issues to conquer but what changes we've made to date and the dreams we share of the future have made us stronger and more full of love then those first few years together.

Regrets? Lots.

Hope? That's what keeps me dreaming.

I am looking forward to 2015. I will be 62 in June. I hope to retire from my cleaning business in the next couple of years and next year that journey begins with some serious investigation. 

This year I did all the blood workup that needed to be done to determine the stage of my liver disease. That done, I am now waiting to find out if insurance will help me pay for the new treatments that are available to cure me. Since it is so close to the end of the year, I'm guessing that approval, if it comes, won't happen now til 2015. Lord?

I will end this review with a prayer for the next year to be full of blessings, cures and changes for the better!