IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU

What can I do to help you?
Not what can I do for you?
Doing for is not helping you.
Instead of helping you,
Doing for can only keep you,
From being a responsible you,
And me stuck always doing for you.
So how can I help you?
How can this chaos be good for you?
All those lies will one day trap you.
Living life focused only on you,
Will destroy those who most love you.
All those clothes look so cool on you.
Even those shoes complete you.
Looking so fine beautifies you,
But good looks will never define you.
That motorcycle makes friends for you,
And those cars make memories for you.
Even that home has consumed all of you.
A home should comfort you,
But a house full of chaos unsettles you.
It has become an unknown trap for you.
More important than family to you.
Family should be a haven for you,
And family should be safe for you.
You've forgotten family is a gift to you,
A gift that should grow with you.
But a family is a burden to you,
When everything they do bothers you.
Where there is more yelling by you,
And less hugging and playing from you,
A home filled with chaos for you.
Chaos has become the best of friends for you,
And family is now the enemy to you,
And the future seems bleak inside you,
When all you see is you!
I fear I am unable to help you.
Nothing I do will be right to you.
Until your focus is off of you,
I will remain an object for you.
An object to use for gain in the world of YOU.
So this is my first step for you.
I must be responsible to me for you.
I must let go of you,
Until the time when you let go of you,
And become a most loving you.
And a bigger part of the world around you.
You will remember the gift of you,
And stop expecting everyone to gift only you.

Hello 2012! Well, this is it. This is the year of a planetary line-up that culminates at the same time the Mayan Calender ends and all kinds of other 'things' are predicted with most pointing to December 21, 2012. What do you think? Me? I'm taking the stance of 'wait and see'. But before I ponder this any further, I want to take a look back, back to 2011.

Remember Those New Year Resolutions of 2011?

Me neither. So I go to my Labels and click on New Years Resolutions and review my resolutions of last year.

2011 review:

1. Stop drinking. Last drink was on New Year's Eve 2010.

~ Nope, I did not remain committed to this resolution. I did stop drinking for several months and when I did begin drinking again it was wine and/or a beer. I did not get drunk until New Year's Eve where I drank a whole bottle of Carolyn's Liquor. I know it has only been a couple of weeks ... but do not plan to get drunk again. A.A. taught me that to guarantee that, don't take a 1st drink again. I'm still drinking a wine or two, or a beer ... so ...

2. Go on a sugar cleanse for at least 6 months.

~ I think I made it for 3 months. :/

3. Go back to eating less red meat and eating more organic and healthy food.

~ Kept this resolution as best I could. Went through the 2011 holidays eating more red meat and pork than I did all year. But back on the path of less is best.:)

4. Take up my Yoga again.

~ Nope, didn't commit to this one. Bummer!

5. Reconnect with family.

~ Does Facebook count? I can't imagine a long time without connecting with my kids and grandchildren. They fill my heart. But I so miss time with my step-son and with my brothers and sisters and cousins and nieces and nephews ... some of which are within reach, but I'm horrible at connecting with them. Facebook has been a blessing and a curse in this area. Facebook has helped me reconnect with family and keep tabs on their lives but it may also keep me from reaching out in person. :/

6. Reconnect with friends.

~ Yep. Did better in 2011. Still working on this, too. :)

7. Sell most of my stuff and clear out the clutter.

~ Yep. Got so much more to go though. Guess this will be an on-going commitment. :[

8. Find a church home.

~ Nope. Still reading my Bible most every day and pray most all the time. But no church home yet.

Back to 2012

Now here we are, 15 days into the new year. Guess what? I'm not doing any resolutions for this New Year. No resolutions, no disappointments.

Goals. I think I'll make a new list. A list of goals. And until I see how 2012 rings out, I think they'll all be short term goals. It will be a list of things I would like to get done, so if something should happen, ... I would not leave behind a mess for someone else to clean up.

A list of goals, of things I can get done in a short time. No deep stuff. That stuff can't be completed anyway if the climax of 2012 is total global economic collapse and world upheaval such as never before experienced. However, if 2012 goes out like a lamb and I discover I have time for the deep stuff, then long term goals may be added.

For now, though, ... a short list of goals.

Or, rather, a list of short-term goals. That is the only list I'm gona commit to this year.

And no. I am not going to blog my list of short-term goals.

RYENN AND HER PICTURES

1. Only Eagle she could put in picture.
2. Picture collage of Nana, Ryenn and a fish in a tank.
3. Cousin Corban and Nana
4. Windy Lake McCanaughy.
5. Windy and hazy Lake Mac.
6. The view from her side of the car.
7. Corban and Photographer
8. The most important woman in her life, Mom!
9. Most important fella in her life (at least for now), Dad!
10 and 11. Self portraits. Ms Ryenn herself! ♥

Year End Notes

Happy New Year's Eve!

I can't believe this is the last day of 2011. How do I s l o w down time? Until I find the answer to that question, I guess this 'fast forward' will be managed with deleting items from my life list just so I can finish with some things accomplished.

If I have any followers, following this blog regularly ... sorry for my infrequent posting. Seems I'm apologizing alot these days for my procrastinating ways! Why I repeatedly get stuck in the me trunk ... with lid shut ... dark ... crammed in here with all my procrastinating woes and poor me's ... angry ... that I have to find a way to get out ... again, is beyond me! I really do want to improve. So, first, I'm sorry. Now to act and get out of this damn trunk.

Ok ... that said.

This year ends with this home full of my grandchildren's squeals, laughter and quibbles. They have been such medicine to my annual year end holiday blues. I must give praise to the Lord for his gift. He knew the perfect medicine for my ailment. Dark memories can always be healed by loving memories. My childhood Christmas's may have been turbulent, at best, but I'm determined that my children/grandchildren will not reap such turbulence but take to their souls, memories of full of love.

So I end this year's blog note with some pictures my granddaughter Ryenn took on our field trip to Lake McConaughy, this past Thursday, to do some eagle viewing. It was a windy day ... no ice on lake so no eagles ... WAIT, there's one! Ryenn tried to take a picture of it but had to settle for the excitement of getting to see at least one.

We got out at the lake viewing lot near the Morning Glory (her picture above) and Ryenn took pictures till the cold wind drove her back in the car.

... Well, the rest of Ryenn's pictures were to follow as an ending to this post but when I tried to load them, found em at the top of this blog. So what happened to the 'new' ability to insert photos ANYWHERE in the blog? :/

Happy New Year's Eve! May 2012 be the best year yet!

Fall Will Always End Way Too Soon

Carl and his older sis.




Fall is ending far too soon!
November recorded this years first snow.
A meteor shower close to a full moon,
Fell asleep at the foot of my bed,
Nothing to see when clouds cover the moon,
Making everything dark like in my heart,
Along with heavy thoughts filling the room.
So the eyes shut and I sink in,
Later even dreams came full of gloom.
This is the time of year when the blues roll in,
When childhood memories loom,
And no matter how old I will get,
Fall will always end way too soon,
With Christmas comes a new set of woes,
And I fight drowning in the all familiar gloom,
Residue left behind from a damaged child's soul.

I've written before of my struggle with the holidays at the end of the year. I've shared some of the nightmare in which my two younger brothers and I played key roles for more than five of our most innocent young years.

Yes, the past should be left there or let go of and not haunting me as it has over the rest of my life. Even after much counseling over the years, I should be an expert at healing myself. Why do I forget what my life-saving counselors often remind me of, that time will heal and soothe the triggers. And as I recognize the triggers and open up about those dark times, they are so right, the power to disable me has been and is, less.

Just when I think I am doing well ... I stumble.

Why is this gloom coming in with such a gut busting blow this year? I really don't know for sure. If I put my 'expert' hat on, I recognize that there are number of issues closing in and I have no power to 'fix' anything. Give it to God, you say. I try to. My fifth read through, of God's Word, has me recently 'stuck' in Ezekiel. It's probably not a good place to be reading through when struggling with depression. Ezekiel is full of doom and gloom.

What are the number of issues raining on my life parade? Ready to read a novel? No? I'm not ready to write it either. So here are a few snip-its:

I'm overwhelmed with alarm at the economic tsunami that is drowning the globe, and how the leaders of our country seem blind to the real issues and are throwing out lead weights, instead of life jackets, to those of us floundering in the rising financial flood.

The Penn State Sex Scandal, where Jerry Sandusky raped young boys over a period of time and no one stepped up to STOP it... this was a trigger I recognize that punched the biggest blow to my emotional gut and spawned some of my holiday gloom ... I remembered ... only ... I was a little girl witness, and, unlike McCleary who now says he didn't run when he stumbled in on the rape, I ran. I was afraid. The man in my memory, had also raped me and would again ... even after I told someone. Yes, this very public sex scandal has set off some major triggers. My inner child is struggling with wanting to hide behind that couch of long ago. A place where I briefly felt safe. ... is there a safe hiding place? Maybe now that couch has transformed into this gloom, as my safe hiding place?

The holidays always remind me how financially poor I am. Sometimes I wish I never got married. Usually, I would go into debt for Christmas and spend the rest of the year paying it off. After this marriage, I could not get those quick loans anymore. Now the bank wanted some paperwork to secure them and the interest ... well, let's just say that I worked hard to become debt free and financially responsible and now they wanted my husbands name on the loan ... nope, that wasn't gona happen. So I join the Christmas Club these last four years but struggle to save more than $300. Ever try to shop, especially this year, with $300? This may buy me the gas I need to just get to the stores ... then I can window shop, dream and wish for a lottery win. Well, loved ones, your gifts this year will be meager sums to put towards your own dreams. ... oh and alot of love! ♥ Yeah, I know, that should be priceless, right?

Ok, guess that's a few of the snip-its and as I re-read what I've written, so far ... well, maybe I need some help, again, to sort. I've not scheduled any counseling this year ... yet. I've been telling myself to buck up and do what I know I can do and be content with the rest. 'Let go and let God' is my mantra but I wallow in this inner turmoil and self pity, believing they are my punishment for a life full of mistakes.

Self pity is one of my stumbling blocks. Maybe I should add that to my snip-its above. I should be chastising my self pity because, at the least, my life has a home to hunker down in and hide if I want. Not so with the one surviving brother of those childhood nightmares ... Halloween weekend I discovered he was homeless. His holiday gloom is far darker than mine. Why should I even be whining!

When I learned of Carl's struggle and tried to help, I was blocked from every angle. Folks who had more ... told me no and after my heavy sobbing, told me, only temporarily would they help. Folks who were struggling themselves, told me no. Understandable. But my heart hurts because I offered them a home when they were down and I was still struggling financially then, too. Helping them, wiped out my savings. Some folks were burned out from brother Carl's obnoxious drinking problem. He'd only been sober for a few weeks and this was because he didn't have any money to drink. No, no and no! :(

So I left him off the next day, after putting him up in a motel room that night, (Thank you, my dear husband, for paying for that room.) and as he unlocked his bike, chained to a sign in a public park, he tells me not to worry ... he's going to keep trying to find work and a home and if it doesn't work out ...

So ... fall rushes out and winter closes in. I'm powerless to stop the flow so must find a way to float and not drown and find Hope when all seems hopeless.

SPIDER WATCHIN

Spiders have ALWAYS brought my freak out on. I have been known to near jump out of a moving car when a spider has made an appearance. And surely my brothers and later, my kids, may remember my running and screaming "SPIDER!! KILL IT" and not calming down until the deed was done. I could not and STILL CANNOT watch movies about spiders and nearly jumped out of my britches when Harrison Ford and his leading ladies would be accosted by spiders and snakes in those action movies of his. So with all this in mind, it is a wonder that I went out of my way, this summer and fall, to set up a step ladder for my grandson when a garden spider was discovered in one of our trash barrels.

My first impulse was to throw trash in on the spiders web and if that didn't kill it, maybe it would take off. But I must confess a fascination over it's markings and though squeamish, I found myself watching it as it worked it's web.

When grandson arrived for nanny care, I took him out and set up a step ladder for him to climb high enough to view the spider. That's all it took. From then on, nearly every day, we'd get the step ladder and check out what the spider was up to. I surprised myself with actually WANTING to keep tabs on the spider and would even inquire on it's well being when I would throw something away in a nearby trash can. No ... the spider never answered me. I talk to my cats, plants, God and self much the same way. Only the cats respond right away.

It wasn't long before grandson was taking me around the yard and pointing out more webs. Now, at first I was like ... what the ... On one walk about, he revealed to me SEVEN separate locations of garden spider condos. Some were wrapping up their dinner and others just seemed to be sunbathing. Some of the webs were striking and what quick repairs would be made after a storm or my watering would damage them.

I didn't know we had so many spiders. Is this normal, or is this just the year of the spiders. One year we were inundated with so many millers, one would have thought it was snowing in summer. One year it was locusts, in fact, this year the locusts were more than I've ever seen, or heard. These last few years it has been the grasshoppers and the dragonflies that have topped the numbers charts. And one year it was rattlesnakes. So maybe this was the year for many garden spiders?

The day I decided to take pictures, after a couple of freezes, the webs look like a couple of old farts were weaving them. I can sure identify with such loss of ambition. :)

The following two spiders were found in the browning garden.

Picking produce from the garden would often bring me up close with these two. Why would I forget they were there until reaching for tomatoes near the ground and movement would bring my focus in on the spider web near my face! And aside from jerking back ... I never destroyed these spiders to make picking produce easier. When we tore down the garden fence and tomato cages to get ready for a fall till ... I even felt sad for these gals losing their homes.

And of course the spider that started it all, the trash can garden spider:

And of course the spider watcher.

Getting in the trash barrel for these shots was heart stopping. NOT. I did have to put my hand in the trash can and then point the camera up ... getting as close as I could WITHOUT TOUCHING the web. Mind you, I'm trying to do this without letting grandson know that I was controlling a freak out. I don't know why spiders scare me? No reason for him to be afraid of them, too ... for no reason. Right? :)

I was so focused on taking pictures without dropping the camera (God please don't let me drop and have to retrieve my camera from under that spider ... God why in the hell am I doing this?) AND trying not to touch the darn spider so I didn't see grandson's antics that I captured in the background until I loaded the pictures onto the computer. What a ham!

He then begins to ask me if he can TOUCH the spider. Deeply involved in the picture taking and now grandson is threatening to make this spider move ... Yes, I had a little trouble keeping the panic out of my voice ...

"WHAT? NO ... NO You can't ToUch the spider. Depending on what kind of spider it is, if it bites you, you could get real sick." I responded in a, louder than normal, tinged with fear, voice of wisdom. Or should I say, warning?

"I'm mad!" He says and folds his arms a moment and then climbs down the little ladder in his best little 'huff'.

He's been doing that lately when he's told not to do ... or heck, even to do, something and he'll suddenly be mad. If I ignore his little huff, then he usually does, or does not do, what I'm asking. He's only three and it is very hard not to smile .... he often looks adorable but I try not to smile ... and this day I COULD NOT smile ... I was focused on spider pictures ...

Ok, ok that was enough for me. Time to get outta that can and settle my insides down.

"Hey .... wait for me."

He is already over his mad and was calling back to me from the sandbox.

"Hey Nana, you wana play in my sandbox with me?"

"Sure, buddy! And what are we gona play?"

"Let's dig for treasure!"

There is something very calming about playing in a sandbox after spider watchin ...