RYENN AND HER PICTURES

1. Only Eagle she could put in picture.
2. Picture collage of Nana, Ryenn and a fish in a tank.
3. Cousin Corban and Nana
4. Windy Lake McCanaughy.
5. Windy and hazy Lake Mac.
6. The view from her side of the car.
7. Corban and Photographer
8. The most important woman in her life, Mom!
9. Most important fella in her life (at least for now), Dad!
10 and 11. Self portraits. Ms Ryenn herself! ♥

Year End Notes

Happy New Year's Eve!

I can't believe this is the last day of 2011. How do I s l o w down time? Until I find the answer to that question, I guess this 'fast forward' will be managed with deleting items from my life list just so I can finish with some things accomplished.

If I have any followers, following this blog regularly ... sorry for my infrequent posting. Seems I'm apologizing alot these days for my procrastinating ways! Why I repeatedly get stuck in the me trunk ... with lid shut ... dark ... crammed in here with all my procrastinating woes and poor me's ... angry ... that I have to find a way to get out ... again, is beyond me! I really do want to improve. So, first, I'm sorry. Now to act and get out of this damn trunk.

Ok ... that said.

This year ends with this home full of my grandchildren's squeals, laughter and quibbles. They have been such medicine to my annual year end holiday blues. I must give praise to the Lord for his gift. He knew the perfect medicine for my ailment. Dark memories can always be healed by loving memories. My childhood Christmas's may have been turbulent, at best, but I'm determined that my children/grandchildren will not reap such turbulence but take to their souls, memories of full of love.

So I end this year's blog note with some pictures my granddaughter Ryenn took on our field trip to Lake McConaughy, this past Thursday, to do some eagle viewing. It was a windy day ... no ice on lake so no eagles ... WAIT, there's one! Ryenn tried to take a picture of it but had to settle for the excitement of getting to see at least one.

We got out at the lake viewing lot near the Morning Glory (her picture above) and Ryenn took pictures till the cold wind drove her back in the car.

... Well, the rest of Ryenn's pictures were to follow as an ending to this post but when I tried to load them, found em at the top of this blog. So what happened to the 'new' ability to insert photos ANYWHERE in the blog? :/

Happy New Year's Eve! May 2012 be the best year yet!

Fall Will Always End Way Too Soon

Carl and his older sis.




Fall is ending far too soon!
November recorded this years first snow.
A meteor shower close to a full moon,
Fell asleep at the foot of my bed,
Nothing to see when clouds cover the moon,
Making everything dark like in my heart,
Along with heavy thoughts filling the room.
So the eyes shut and I sink in,
Later even dreams came full of gloom.
This is the time of year when the blues roll in,
When childhood memories loom,
And no matter how old I will get,
Fall will always end way too soon,
With Christmas comes a new set of woes,
And I fight drowning in the all familiar gloom,
Residue left behind from a damaged child's soul.

I've written before of my struggle with the holidays at the end of the year. I've shared some of the nightmare in which my two younger brothers and I played key roles for more than five of our most innocent young years.

Yes, the past should be left there or let go of and not haunting me as it has over the rest of my life. Even after much counseling over the years, I should be an expert at healing myself. Why do I forget what my life-saving counselors often remind me of, that time will heal and soothe the triggers. And as I recognize the triggers and open up about those dark times, they are so right, the power to disable me has been and is, less.

Just when I think I am doing well ... I stumble.

Why is this gloom coming in with such a gut busting blow this year? I really don't know for sure. If I put my 'expert' hat on, I recognize that there are number of issues closing in and I have no power to 'fix' anything. Give it to God, you say. I try to. My fifth read through, of God's Word, has me recently 'stuck' in Ezekiel. It's probably not a good place to be reading through when struggling with depression. Ezekiel is full of doom and gloom.

What are the number of issues raining on my life parade? Ready to read a novel? No? I'm not ready to write it either. So here are a few snip-its:

I'm overwhelmed with alarm at the economic tsunami that is drowning the globe, and how the leaders of our country seem blind to the real issues and are throwing out lead weights, instead of life jackets, to those of us floundering in the rising financial flood.

The Penn State Sex Scandal, where Jerry Sandusky raped young boys over a period of time and no one stepped up to STOP it... this was a trigger I recognize that punched the biggest blow to my emotional gut and spawned some of my holiday gloom ... I remembered ... only ... I was a little girl witness, and, unlike McCleary who now says he didn't run when he stumbled in on the rape, I ran. I was afraid. The man in my memory, had also raped me and would again ... even after I told someone. Yes, this very public sex scandal has set off some major triggers. My inner child is struggling with wanting to hide behind that couch of long ago. A place where I briefly felt safe. ... is there a safe hiding place? Maybe now that couch has transformed into this gloom, as my safe hiding place?

The holidays always remind me how financially poor I am. Sometimes I wish I never got married. Usually, I would go into debt for Christmas and spend the rest of the year paying it off. After this marriage, I could not get those quick loans anymore. Now the bank wanted some paperwork to secure them and the interest ... well, let's just say that I worked hard to become debt free and financially responsible and now they wanted my husbands name on the loan ... nope, that wasn't gona happen. So I join the Christmas Club these last four years but struggle to save more than $300. Ever try to shop, especially this year, with $300? This may buy me the gas I need to just get to the stores ... then I can window shop, dream and wish for a lottery win. Well, loved ones, your gifts this year will be meager sums to put towards your own dreams. ... oh and alot of love! ♥ Yeah, I know, that should be priceless, right?

Ok, guess that's a few of the snip-its and as I re-read what I've written, so far ... well, maybe I need some help, again, to sort. I've not scheduled any counseling this year ... yet. I've been telling myself to buck up and do what I know I can do and be content with the rest. 'Let go and let God' is my mantra but I wallow in this inner turmoil and self pity, believing they are my punishment for a life full of mistakes.

Self pity is one of my stumbling blocks. Maybe I should add that to my snip-its above. I should be chastising my self pity because, at the least, my life has a home to hunker down in and hide if I want. Not so with the one surviving brother of those childhood nightmares ... Halloween weekend I discovered he was homeless. His holiday gloom is far darker than mine. Why should I even be whining!

When I learned of Carl's struggle and tried to help, I was blocked from every angle. Folks who had more ... told me no and after my heavy sobbing, told me, only temporarily would they help. Folks who were struggling themselves, told me no. Understandable. But my heart hurts because I offered them a home when they were down and I was still struggling financially then, too. Helping them, wiped out my savings. Some folks were burned out from brother Carl's obnoxious drinking problem. He'd only been sober for a few weeks and this was because he didn't have any money to drink. No, no and no! :(

So I left him off the next day, after putting him up in a motel room that night, (Thank you, my dear husband, for paying for that room.) and as he unlocked his bike, chained to a sign in a public park, he tells me not to worry ... he's going to keep trying to find work and a home and if it doesn't work out ...

So ... fall rushes out and winter closes in. I'm powerless to stop the flow so must find a way to float and not drown and find Hope when all seems hopeless.

SPIDER WATCHIN

Spiders have ALWAYS brought my freak out on. I have been known to near jump out of a moving car when a spider has made an appearance. And surely my brothers and later, my kids, may remember my running and screaming "SPIDER!! KILL IT" and not calming down until the deed was done. I could not and STILL CANNOT watch movies about spiders and nearly jumped out of my britches when Harrison Ford and his leading ladies would be accosted by spiders and snakes in those action movies of his. So with all this in mind, it is a wonder that I went out of my way, this summer and fall, to set up a step ladder for my grandson when a garden spider was discovered in one of our trash barrels.

My first impulse was to throw trash in on the spiders web and if that didn't kill it, maybe it would take off. But I must confess a fascination over it's markings and though squeamish, I found myself watching it as it worked it's web.

When grandson arrived for nanny care, I took him out and set up a step ladder for him to climb high enough to view the spider. That's all it took. From then on, nearly every day, we'd get the step ladder and check out what the spider was up to. I surprised myself with actually WANTING to keep tabs on the spider and would even inquire on it's well being when I would throw something away in a nearby trash can. No ... the spider never answered me. I talk to my cats, plants, God and self much the same way. Only the cats respond right away.

It wasn't long before grandson was taking me around the yard and pointing out more webs. Now, at first I was like ... what the ... On one walk about, he revealed to me SEVEN separate locations of garden spider condos. Some were wrapping up their dinner and others just seemed to be sunbathing. Some of the webs were striking and what quick repairs would be made after a storm or my watering would damage them.

I didn't know we had so many spiders. Is this normal, or is this just the year of the spiders. One year we were inundated with so many millers, one would have thought it was snowing in summer. One year it was locusts, in fact, this year the locusts were more than I've ever seen, or heard. These last few years it has been the grasshoppers and the dragonflies that have topped the numbers charts. And one year it was rattlesnakes. So maybe this was the year for many garden spiders?

The day I decided to take pictures, after a couple of freezes, the webs look like a couple of old farts were weaving them. I can sure identify with such loss of ambition. :)

The following two spiders were found in the browning garden.

Picking produce from the garden would often bring me up close with these two. Why would I forget they were there until reaching for tomatoes near the ground and movement would bring my focus in on the spider web near my face! And aside from jerking back ... I never destroyed these spiders to make picking produce easier. When we tore down the garden fence and tomato cages to get ready for a fall till ... I even felt sad for these gals losing their homes.

And of course the spider that started it all, the trash can garden spider:

And of course the spider watcher.

Getting in the trash barrel for these shots was heart stopping. NOT. I did have to put my hand in the trash can and then point the camera up ... getting as close as I could WITHOUT TOUCHING the web. Mind you, I'm trying to do this without letting grandson know that I was controlling a freak out. I don't know why spiders scare me? No reason for him to be afraid of them, too ... for no reason. Right? :)

I was so focused on taking pictures without dropping the camera (God please don't let me drop and have to retrieve my camera from under that spider ... God why in the hell am I doing this?) AND trying not to touch the darn spider so I didn't see grandson's antics that I captured in the background until I loaded the pictures onto the computer. What a ham!

He then begins to ask me if he can TOUCH the spider. Deeply involved in the picture taking and now grandson is threatening to make this spider move ... Yes, I had a little trouble keeping the panic out of my voice ...

"WHAT? NO ... NO You can't ToUch the spider. Depending on what kind of spider it is, if it bites you, you could get real sick." I responded in a, louder than normal, tinged with fear, voice of wisdom. Or should I say, warning?

"I'm mad!" He says and folds his arms a moment and then climbs down the little ladder in his best little 'huff'.

He's been doing that lately when he's told not to do ... or heck, even to do, something and he'll suddenly be mad. If I ignore his little huff, then he usually does, or does not do, what I'm asking. He's only three and it is very hard not to smile .... he often looks adorable but I try not to smile ... and this day I COULD NOT smile ... I was focused on spider pictures ...

Ok, ok that was enough for me. Time to get outta that can and settle my insides down.

"Hey .... wait for me."

He is already over his mad and was calling back to me from the sandbox.

"Hey Nana, you wana play in my sandbox with me?"

"Sure, buddy! And what are we gona play?"

"Let's dig for treasure!"

There is something very calming about playing in a sandbox after spider watchin ...

PERFECT TIMING

Since when,
Did my mind fall behind?
How can I recall,
If I cannot even find?
Is this why,
I cling to every sign,
That points to hope,
Trying to prove a Greater Design?
All this loss won't be missed,
So just relax in all remaining time,
With those we hold so dear,
And always on our mind.
Forget the trivial,
Quit trying to rewind!
Don't sweat all the forgetting,
Because it gets worse with time.
Take these last days,
One precious step at a time.
Focus on love and life,
Seek the good you can always find,
And believe in more than yourself,
For it will refresh your mind,
Leaving you filled with peace,
Though ever out of step with time,
Forever trying to recall,
And always falling behind.
That's ok.
This can all be called the perfect time.

9/11 TEN YEARS LATER

It has been ten years since that horrific day, 9/11, when the WORLD watched the Twin Towers fall after two hijacked planes crashed into them. As I type this, I'm watching 205 FXNWS on DISH, '9/11: Timeline of Terror.' And as they play a timeline of that emotionally traumatizing day, I remember ...

A beautiful day ... much like today, ten years later ... and I was on my way to work as a telemarketer for a call center here in my home town of Ogallala, NE. The radio went on alert with a report that a plane had crashed into one of the Twin Towers of the Trade Center in New York City.

"What!? Oh my God! What could this be?" I remember mumbling out loud.

I drove into the parking lot of my work and ran into the building and announced loudly, "Have you all heard the news?"

A few blank stares met my eyes, just as the supervisor came out of her office and together we announced that a plane crashed into the World Trade Center.

I went to my assigned cubicle and put my personals away as I sat down to log in and begin my day. I felt numb as I began my calls. It wasn't even 15 minutes into the job when the phone lines went blank and the call center went down. Our supervisor reappeared and announced that the phone lines were down for an undetermined amount of time and everyone would be sent home for the day. Any other day I would have been elated that we had an unexpected day off. But this day was different. Different? How?

I packed up my things and couldn't shake feeling alarmed, scared even. Everyone was trying to analyze what was happening as they gathered their things and headed out the door. An accident? Another Pearl Harbor? A joke ... we knew NOTHING, but we all felt a premonition of doom, of something out of balance.

"Lord," I silently prayed, "please protect us!"

Protect us from what? Us? I was recalling Oklahoma. Even remembering Columbine. Our great country is full of sick thinking so I was preparing for the worst. I had no idea how the 'worst' would unfold as it did that day. Our easy access to such events through the various media seared the events to our soul.

Instead of driving home, I drove over to Mom and Dad's. As I opened the front door, they were both watching the horror unfold on TV. I recognized that look of alarm on their faces. Didn't I just leave an environment of alarmed looking telemarketers? The day would draw in alarmed expressions from all walks of life and from all over the world. Alarm that would grow into despair, anguish and sheer shock.

Mom moved her pillows from the end of the couch to make room for me. I sat right beside her. Being near her seemed to make me feel more settled, more secure. I knew my folks were just as powerless as I. Still, there was some comfort in sitting as near as Mom would let me. I felt like a little girl again and had this crazy desire to climb into her lap. Yeah, sitting as close as I could get was good.

.... and later in the day, she and I would tell each other how grateful we were to be with each other. Families would be watching what we were watching and they would know someone inside the towers or one of the first responders. For them the agony would find no comfort. We still had each other. Mom and I said a prayer for everyone. Ok, I said the prayer but Mom was holding my hand and agreeing with me.

Dad sat in his recliner with his hand over his mouth. It amazed me that he was so quiet most of the day. He'd have moments of ranting when we learned that it was a terrorist attack but even his ranting was mostly quiet. He hadn't been feeling well since coming home from a recent hospital stay. And after this traumatic day, he seemed to decline faster and would go to be with the Lord less than 5 months later. He was also a veteran and had seen war and didn't like it then and sure didn't like it now. Now? He knew we would be going to war as a result of this. We all thought it would be with Egypt since the terrorists were from Egypt or Iran. Dad would have been surprised that we went back to Iraq. Anyway, rather Dad wasn't feeling well or reeling from the events unfolding on TV ... he was quiet. Too quiet. Later in the day, I would look over to witness tears rolling down his cheeks as he sat silently crying. In that moment I felt so small and helpless.

So there we sat, in silence, watching ... shocked. My only comfort of the moment, of the whole day, was being with two people I loved dearly. Together we witnessed, and cried, and despaired for all those in the Twin Towers and the unfolding terror that we could only watch...

... I only watched ... and it tore my heart out of my soul. I can't imagine what the experience was like for those who became innocent victims of such senseless evil. I can't imagine what one went through when they jumped from one death to another. I can't even fathom what sickness holds someone to commit suicide while killing thousands of innocents. I cry for those who went up to save lives and lost their own. I marvel at the survivor stories, miracles amid the tragic loss, and the heroes, like Flight 93 and all the first responders and all the people who helped each other. I was moved so much that, ten years later, I still feel a knot in my stomach and my heart still aches. And I wasn't even there ... I could only watch ...

Osama Bin Laden is dead now. He was supposedly the master mind, the leader of such evil. He was killed by the United States under the order of President Barack Obama. And he never was in Iraq ... but President Bush put us there and ... ok, ok, I'm digressing. So the king pin was finally brought down. But that pales to the impact of that day, 9/11/01, when terrorists brought down the Twin Towers. Ten years later there are still more questions then answers, more sorrow than joy and more fear than trust.

2011 BLUE WATER BLUES FESTIVAL

On a cool, crisp, fall like evening, the sand hills of Nebraska near the small town of Lewellen, echoed out the best sounding blues I'd heard in a while. What a treat for those of us who spent our evening in the back yard of the 17 Ranch Winery, listening to and watching some extraordinary talent!

Labor Day Weekend usually finds me on a bike trip with my husband, touring somewhere, in this awesome country we live in. Several reasons kept me home this year and my disappointment was completely erased last night, when hanging at home, gave me the opportunity to finally check this annual festival out. I love the blues!

The day opened on a planned day of work. Up by 6 am to prepare for the final day of my weekend garage sale. A couple of dear friends had come from Kearney to help me with the sale and brought a new golden retriever puppy with them. So the sun came up, dog went out for her morning duties, coffee was brewed and garage sale baked goods were raided for breakfast. Then ... to work...

We closed up the garage sale by mid afternoon, and everyone took turns cleaning up for our evening date with the blues while watching the Nebraska football game! Nebraska won! The festival was to start at 5 pm and we weren't going to be on time. Finally ready ... we set out for Lewellen as the sun was setting.

As we drove into town, my friends asked me for directions. I'd never been to this winery since it's opening so my directions were to just open up the windows and listen for music and follow it's sound. That's what small towns are all about. As it turned out, driving down main street, one couldn't miss it even if the band hadn't already been playing to lure us near.

We weren't the only ones arriving late and as we walked up to the gate, a gal asked me if we were going to the festival. Before I could answer she took note of two tickets I was holding and commented that I probably didn't need any tickets.

"Oh but I do." I told her.

"I have these two tickets but I still need to buy one."

She then handed me a ticket and I asked her how much it was ...

I had bought two tickets for the 'early' purchase price of $15 earlier in the week and knew the third ticket was gona cost me $20 at the gate. I was hoping she would only want $15.

... She GAVE me the ticket!! Wow! I asked her if I could hug her and thanked her profusely!

Yes, these are tough times and usually 'concerts' are a luxury and often not experienced during such times. But I LOVE the blues. I was going to be home this time. I soooo wanted to go and I didn't want to make my friends pay for their own tickets especially after helping me with the garage sale AND what if they didn't like the blues ... anyway, what a blessing this surprise free ticket was! AND my friends loved the festival so much so they purchased a couple of CD's of the last band! ~ Note to Co: Thank you, darlin, for the CD. Listening to it as I write this blog. ~

While the sun went down, we set up our lawn chairs, put out our blankets to wrap up in when the cool crisp air settled in after dark and set out to purchase a gourmet hamburger and some ice tea.

Later we would learn how to get a commemorative wine glass and could taste the various wines the winery specialized in by the glass or the bottle. Beer and soft drinks were available also.

Picnic tables were near the grill but most had brought their own lawn chairs and were comfortably snuggled into their own blankets ... such a comfortable, warm (in spite of the early fall chill) and fun atmosphere. Cudos to Lewellen, to 17 Ranch Winery, for making such a festival available to us sand hill natives ... to those of us who love the blues.

Love the blues?

We missed the 1st bands performance. We arrived during the second half of the second bands performance. Sol-De-Joe , out of Denver, Co, had a slamming bass player, a sultry sax player, great vocals and all round sound that left you wanting for more. Check em out for yourself and see if you agree they are worthy of enjoyment. http://solfedjoe.com

The final band, Mary Bridget Davies Group, was soooo worth hanging through the cold night to hear! Mary has a voice that reminded me of Janis Joplin. She did some favorite Janis tunes and was right on ... closed my eyes and could see and hear Janis ... opened my eyes and could see Mary and hear both Janis and Mary. What a voice this woman has!!

And between songs she was such a kick! Funny, light, sexy, and soulful! Mary is one that must be seen as well as heard!! http://marybridgetdaviesgroup.com

And her band ... wow!! The bass player was captivating and made sitting still IMPOSSIBLE. Once some of the sound issues were refined ... wow!! The whole band is like a puzzle that fits perfectly. Each is a stand alone performer and ... well, all I can say is ... wow!!