SEASONAL FOG

I'm recording a post so I can hold the date to record. As I go back on older posts, I see where I was sick near when I began this blog nearly a year ago. I need to note that. Can my feeling poorly be connected to the season? This is a whopper of a cold and it came on suddenly (3 pm Sunday) and has progressed quickly to me using alka seltzer and other over the counter aides to keep such miserable symtoms at bay. So just a note...as I grab my Kleenex box, my Lavender Spike Oil, my tea and my heating pad and return to my easy chair...and recover. So later....as I fade into a seasonal fog.

The Self Trunk

I'm stuck in my self trunk again!
It's my favorite place to hide.
No one know's I'm here in my den.
No one tries to look inside.
And so I fill this space within,
With very personal treasures from my life.

This self trunk is my retreat,
When I loose my confidence,
When I turn back in defeat.
When I loose my survivor sense,
And choose not to see or greet,
Each new day with Spiritual wonderment.

This self trunk is my safe space.
The small confines are well known,
And I can go at my own slow pace,
And not be attacked by the unknown.
Yes, a safe, comfortable place,
That welcomes me like I'm home.

The self trunk is all about me.
I don't want You here.
I like the choice to peek,
To lift the lid and peer,
And it doesn't mean I'm weak,
I just try not to need You here.

My self trunk can be a prison,
If I get stuck in here for long.
And I'm stuck in here now, this prison,
Where I've lost the reason to belong,
Where I've lost my mission,
To survive and be strong.

Yes, I'm stuck in my self trunk now,
And I need to get out to become again.
Lift the lid of burden and step out!
Become involved as a friend to my friends,
Accept what this dreaded age will allow,
And live the time left without end!

The self trunk is a place to hide,
A survival skill in some ways,
A retreat from the stress outside,
But not a place to stay for days,
And if they grow to years, one can die.
No, this trunk is no place to stay.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 2010

A fog rolled in last night and when it lifted this morning, everything was frosted white. If you compare this picture to this blogs opening picture, note the little apple tree is dormant. No green apples, no coyote....just frosty winter white.


NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS 2010

That time of year again. A new year brings a yearning for new beginnings, passion for changes and a hope that transformation is possible. We can transform, right? So, out comes the pad and pen and a list of to do's is about to begin.

Looking to the past old years and reflecting on changes, it is important to check the course. As the years build upon each other, is the course a stable one and do the years of memories bring on a flood of joy?

Nope.

At best, these last few years bring on a stream of joy and a weary soul that is embarassed to be nearing 60 and discovering her course is not any closer to stable than when her years were young.

So here I am, keyboard to finger tips in place of pad and pen, and about to begin to review, reflect and charter a new course with a new list of to do's, in my New Year's resolutions for 2010:

1. I resolve to continue not praying for myself. Disappointment is blinding me.
2. I resolve to let go of the chains of the past and forgive more, starting with me.
3. I resolve to be better than I have been, even yesterday, to stop pitying me.
4. I resolve to get out of the ME trunk, since right off the bat, the first three resolves end with ME!
5. I resolve to be close to God again. I don't hear him like those first few years when I 'Vison Quested' to Bear Butte near Strugis, SD in the late 90's, early 2000. Did I hear Him after 9-11-2001? When did that 'Still Small Voice' become so silent? I need You God! I need to hear you! And, yeah, this should probably be my first resolve! Getting closer might just mean putting God 1st and then box up the rest of these resolves and put them in His trust.
6. I resolve to sell most of my stuff and clear out most of the clutter in my life. (Note to kids: I will sell only what you don't want, so let me know what you want.)
7. I resolve to get more organized and stop...no, cut back might keep this resolution from failing, so...get more organized and cut back on my procrastination.
8. I resolve to find something I love working at and finish these last few years doing that which I love. I'm so tired if 'having' to do...I really want to 'love' to do.
9. I resolve to take better care of this body God gave me. I have made so many adjustments over my 50+ years but I have many more, yet, required of me.


to be continued....

The Last Day of 2009

The last day of 2009 and I feel like crap. I don't think it is all physcial either. Lots of mental mumbo jumbo mixed in with a creaking neck and a whopper of a headache and some nausea that makes going out to rock in the new year a miss! No, this Nana is staying in and watching the ball drop on TV and sipping on some tummy soothing tea and maybe surfing my Facebook page. My husband volunteered our grand-child sitting services so it could be fun watching the grandson put on his cutsy shows, too. I don't worry much about him catching my 'yuk' since it is safe to say, he and his grand-Popo probably shared thiers with me. So crap it is... or maybe.... out with the crap, in with the ??? Yeah, let's hope 2010 will be a new year, full of blessings and health!

Today, the last day of this year, is Thursday. It is also a night of the full moon. A 'blue moon' even, in that it is the second full moon of the month and rare in occurance, as the last full moon on New Year's Eve was nearly 20 years ago. This alone may be the reason for such a blue mood walking me out of 2009. Fact or fiction, full moons play havoc with my emotions and so.., two in one month!!! Since this particular holiday season evokes painful childhood memories anyway, as well as magnifiying a history of depression and then to put outside influences on top of the mess....guess this year ending was just destined to be over-whelming. But, before I sound too sappy, I must also note that though my blue mood may have been primed by this years 'Blue Moon' I really don't feel THAT bad. More numb than bad. Is numb bad? So, this evening is coming in clear and cold and with a full moon. Hm...I feel an electrical charge race thru my body as I ponder the coming midnight. Thursday closes and Friday begins, the last day, December 31, 2009 dies and January 1, 2010 is born. Hm...

So, here I sit, at 4:08 pm and post in Sam's Thots, my thought's, on the impact this year has had on me.

Whew...just got slammed with a head rush of stuff! I'm gona need some sorting time and then, see, just what I might be willing to reveal on how this year is drawing to it's close on my life. Wow, another year added to the 56+ already survived! Hm..... Too much STUFF in this mind of mine now to think of adding each new year yet to come. In fact, walking into 2010 makes breathing difficult when I think about it. I feel like I'm smothering in the enclosing, pending unknown. Where did my youthful optimism go? My zeal for a new day, a new year? I need to do some sorting mentally before I put 'pen to hand', so to speak. Need some time of reflection and then I'll be back.

Coming To The Close of 2009

It is hard to believe that this year is almost over already! Thanksgiving has passed and Christmas is just weeks away! These holiday seasons are always my most difficult for seasonal blues and feelings of being over whelmed. I use to retreat into some dark corner of my mind and walk through the motions of thankfulness and holiday cheer. Or I'd panic! More often I'd panic and try to hide! As a little tike I'd hide in bed or in front of the TV. As I grew up, I hid in a bottle of booze or worse. Eventually though I feared hiding as a form of living death and prayed for help. God gave me wise teachers and I learned a new way to believe. And over the years I've learned new ways to get through these last two holidays of the year.

Over the years, I've learned that darkness can be lightened, no pun intended, and I actually get glimpses of real joy and a warming to the soul during these holidays now. But first I had to understand there was baggage with abuse and severe trama that matched the severe abuse I had suffered those early years. I had to also understand how 'triggers' could set in motion unreasonable, predictable reactions in certain situations for me. When I was a child, these holidays were more nightmares...rarely a celebration of thankfulness and the birth of a baby Jesus.

Over the years, I've learned to identify and recognize the 'triggers' and I've learned how to not react. Instead of reacting, I now try to identify, recognize and apply a new tool to respond with healing. Many such tools were acquired and more tools are continually added in my ongoing self review and desire to leave the blues behind and feel the liberating joy these holidays can bring. I'm learning to let go of the memories that haunt the mind of an abused and broken child. I'm learning to forgive....starting with myself and going backwards to that little girl who wasn't as bad as she thought she must have been, to deserve such horror, and to forgive the ugliness of alcoholism and it's accompaning dysfunctions. It's been a slow, continual process, for me, but now I can look back and see change and I can believe.

So Thanksgiving is over and the kids who came to eat turkey with us, have gone home to decorate thier homes for Christmas. The once noisy chatter of grandchildren is silent, in PoPo's home, and the computer has once again got NaNa's full attention ... though her Facebook addiction is to PoPo's chagrin. It it is important to note that my blue scale, so far this year, is tolerable and truly enjoying the house full of family was more than a treat, it was magical and healing. No pretend motions through the Thanksgiving long weekend off. I refused to focus on anything negative and ate everything, til I thought I would burst! No panic, just thoughts of love and gratitude for these gifts God bestowed on me. Family. Still a slightly dysfunctional family but less on the dark side and more, now, on the humorous side.

I wish I could promise to hold on to this light mood and have Christmas find me in full adoration of the celebration of Christ and singing the holiday songs with gusto!! But I feel that nagging dread and it has been haunting me, whispering to me that something is coming. Something very difficult. Oh...may it not be! May it just be a feeling of dread that, already, the end of this year is near. May it be a dread of the work ahead that coming to the close of 2009 has spurred in me. And most of all, may it be unfounded dread. Maybe I can just put one foot in front of the other and learn a new dance to take me, all in swirls and dips, to the start of new beginnings that could be welcomed in with 2010 and to the end of any 2009 lingering dread. Maybe I could dance such a dance through the dreaded year end holidays and close my inner eyes to the painful little girl memories and open my heart eyes to the healing older woman. A woman who survived and is full of hope .... even when I find things hard to believe.

A Snowy Weekend in October.

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Snow in October is not that unusual. I've been around over 50 winters now, and October is often the first month of snow. I can even remember some winters begining as early as September. I remember winters of heavy snow and high drifts but those mememories seem so long ago. Even more than 20 years ago, our snows weren't heavy enough to sled in our yard with out the aide of the white truck. I can still remember sitting in what we used as the dining room back then, and watching Ron pull Shelby and G.C. on sleds. Round sleds worked the best and if they could keep Sheena, the Rott, from dragging them off the sled...presumably away from danger, they could get a good whip going. Maybe, Sheena was on to something, because I would hold my breath, as they'd whip around and say a quick prayer that they wouldn't whip all the way around in front of the truck. God seem to put upon Ron's heart the wisdom and judgement of turning at the right moment and keeping all the fun safe, but for me...nail biting half the time and laughing the other half when Sheena, who after she had pulled kids off the sled, would run, jump and usually fall on the now empty sled, thus riding it back to start. I might have to dig through the VHS video archives for some of those sledding moments.

The snow that fell this weekend, early October, was over 12", 15" in some places and drifts of over 2 ft. Seems to me I've heard ski reports refer to powder snow. Well, this was a light, fluffy, powder like snow. Cold and blowing most of night to reveal in the first light a thick blanket of snow like we haven't seen in years. So light and fluffy that it didn't drag down leaf laden branches. It was feather light, until it melted a bit and got sticky by noon and yet travel wasn't difficult...almost normal. We've been in a drought for several years now and so this was part blessing, part surreal.

Second Chances

What is a Nanny? Webster Dictionary, defines nanny as: a childs nursemaid. When I refer to myself as Nanny, I prefer to define my roll as, child and home care giver. I think of it as a priviledge and an honor to be intrusted with the care of a precious gift...a child.

I wish I could praise my work as excellent, but in all honesty I have had to humbly make some adjustments because under my watch, things have gotten broken, as a home care provider, and when my grandson fell down a flight of stairs, I nearly retired early from being his child care provider...his Nanny Nana. My daughter seemed to graciously understand that even under the best of care, her's or Daddy's, her son was still falling and bumping along.

I worked several years for a company that had frequent lay offs and I was caught up in four of them. During my last layoff and while waiting for rehire, I took on cleaning for a dear lady on oxygen most of the day. It wasn't long before another charming lady requested I come and help her in her home. By word of mouth my homes grew to a number that allowed me to have my own buisness in homecare. Finally, graduating with a Buisness Degree in my early 40's (after the first lay off that caught me) was proving its worth in my late 40's. It was the best time and very liberating to be my own boss and not have the stress of a next lay off.

When my grandson was born, I had already approached my daughter with the desire to care for him. And soon this matched her desire to have me do so. I shrunk my homes to the ones that I could clean around the care of my grandson and took a huge cut in my established pay. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. This was a choice because it was in my heart to be there for my grandchildren, in a way I may not have been for thier Momma and Daddy. But it wasn't until I had my grandson in my care for a few months that I came to believe this was a second chance for me.

I have a second chance to care for my grandson in a manner rich in transformation as Nana the Nanny, than I was as a young, single, dysfunctional Mother to my oldest son. I am often haunted by the mistakes I made in my late teens and twenties, in raising my children, especially my eldest son and only consoled when I reflect on how far I have come.

I give God the credit for my transformation. Only through His Guidance have I been able to be who I am now and not who I was then. He guided me to new tools, to people who could reach me in my despair and to opportunities that still amaze me to this day. Miracles, I call them! And He's not finished with me yet. He put me in charge of the care of this grandson, His gift, to heal some old wounds and calm the haunted soul. Of that I am now sure!

Nanny sounds so warm and loving to me. I have a quiet laugh, not like Fran the TV Nanny, and I am prone to act like a kid myself. I am not a qualified nurse but I know now how to nourish and nurture, foster positiveness, and protect from harm. I'm not the best maid but when I do clean, I clean up a storm! It is important to me to do my best and I'm grateful for a another chance to do just that!