NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 2010

A fog rolled in last night and when it lifted this morning, everything was frosted white. If you compare this picture to this blogs opening picture, note the little apple tree is dormant. No green apples, no coyote....just frosty winter white.


NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS 2010

That time of year again. A new year brings a yearning for new beginnings, passion for changes and a hope that transformation is possible. We can transform, right? So, out comes the pad and pen and a list of to do's is about to begin.

Looking to the past old years and reflecting on changes, it is important to check the course. As the years build upon each other, is the course a stable one and do the years of memories bring on a flood of joy?

Nope.

At best, these last few years bring on a stream of joy and a weary soul that is embarassed to be nearing 60 and discovering her course is not any closer to stable than when her years were young.

So here I am, keyboard to finger tips in place of pad and pen, and about to begin to review, reflect and charter a new course with a new list of to do's, in my New Year's resolutions for 2010:

1. I resolve to continue not praying for myself. Disappointment is blinding me.
2. I resolve to let go of the chains of the past and forgive more, starting with me.
3. I resolve to be better than I have been, even yesterday, to stop pitying me.
4. I resolve to get out of the ME trunk, since right off the bat, the first three resolves end with ME!
5. I resolve to be close to God again. I don't hear him like those first few years when I 'Vison Quested' to Bear Butte near Strugis, SD in the late 90's, early 2000. Did I hear Him after 9-11-2001? When did that 'Still Small Voice' become so silent? I need You God! I need to hear you! And, yeah, this should probably be my first resolve! Getting closer might just mean putting God 1st and then box up the rest of these resolves and put them in His trust.
6. I resolve to sell most of my stuff and clear out most of the clutter in my life. (Note to kids: I will sell only what you don't want, so let me know what you want.)
7. I resolve to get more organized and stop...no, cut back might keep this resolution from failing, so...get more organized and cut back on my procrastination.
8. I resolve to find something I love working at and finish these last few years doing that which I love. I'm so tired if 'having' to do...I really want to 'love' to do.
9. I resolve to take better care of this body God gave me. I have made so many adjustments over my 50+ years but I have many more, yet, required of me.


to be continued....

The Last Day of 2009

The last day of 2009 and I feel like crap. I don't think it is all physcial either. Lots of mental mumbo jumbo mixed in with a creaking neck and a whopper of a headache and some nausea that makes going out to rock in the new year a miss! No, this Nana is staying in and watching the ball drop on TV and sipping on some tummy soothing tea and maybe surfing my Facebook page. My husband volunteered our grand-child sitting services so it could be fun watching the grandson put on his cutsy shows, too. I don't worry much about him catching my 'yuk' since it is safe to say, he and his grand-Popo probably shared thiers with me. So crap it is... or maybe.... out with the crap, in with the ??? Yeah, let's hope 2010 will be a new year, full of blessings and health!

Today, the last day of this year, is Thursday. It is also a night of the full moon. A 'blue moon' even, in that it is the second full moon of the month and rare in occurance, as the last full moon on New Year's Eve was nearly 20 years ago. This alone may be the reason for such a blue mood walking me out of 2009. Fact or fiction, full moons play havoc with my emotions and so.., two in one month!!! Since this particular holiday season evokes painful childhood memories anyway, as well as magnifiying a history of depression and then to put outside influences on top of the mess....guess this year ending was just destined to be over-whelming. But, before I sound too sappy, I must also note that though my blue mood may have been primed by this years 'Blue Moon' I really don't feel THAT bad. More numb than bad. Is numb bad? So, this evening is coming in clear and cold and with a full moon. Hm...I feel an electrical charge race thru my body as I ponder the coming midnight. Thursday closes and Friday begins, the last day, December 31, 2009 dies and January 1, 2010 is born. Hm...

So, here I sit, at 4:08 pm and post in Sam's Thots, my thought's, on the impact this year has had on me.

Whew...just got slammed with a head rush of stuff! I'm gona need some sorting time and then, see, just what I might be willing to reveal on how this year is drawing to it's close on my life. Wow, another year added to the 56+ already survived! Hm..... Too much STUFF in this mind of mine now to think of adding each new year yet to come. In fact, walking into 2010 makes breathing difficult when I think about it. I feel like I'm smothering in the enclosing, pending unknown. Where did my youthful optimism go? My zeal for a new day, a new year? I need to do some sorting mentally before I put 'pen to hand', so to speak. Need some time of reflection and then I'll be back.

Coming To The Close of 2009

It is hard to believe that this year is almost over already! Thanksgiving has passed and Christmas is just weeks away! These holiday seasons are always my most difficult for seasonal blues and feelings of being over whelmed. I use to retreat into some dark corner of my mind and walk through the motions of thankfulness and holiday cheer. Or I'd panic! More often I'd panic and try to hide! As a little tike I'd hide in bed or in front of the TV. As I grew up, I hid in a bottle of booze or worse. Eventually though I feared hiding as a form of living death and prayed for help. God gave me wise teachers and I learned a new way to believe. And over the years I've learned new ways to get through these last two holidays of the year.

Over the years, I've learned that darkness can be lightened, no pun intended, and I actually get glimpses of real joy and a warming to the soul during these holidays now. But first I had to understand there was baggage with abuse and severe trama that matched the severe abuse I had suffered those early years. I had to also understand how 'triggers' could set in motion unreasonable, predictable reactions in certain situations for me. When I was a child, these holidays were more nightmares...rarely a celebration of thankfulness and the birth of a baby Jesus.

Over the years, I've learned to identify and recognize the 'triggers' and I've learned how to not react. Instead of reacting, I now try to identify, recognize and apply a new tool to respond with healing. Many such tools were acquired and more tools are continually added in my ongoing self review and desire to leave the blues behind and feel the liberating joy these holidays can bring. I'm learning to let go of the memories that haunt the mind of an abused and broken child. I'm learning to forgive....starting with myself and going backwards to that little girl who wasn't as bad as she thought she must have been, to deserve such horror, and to forgive the ugliness of alcoholism and it's accompaning dysfunctions. It's been a slow, continual process, for me, but now I can look back and see change and I can believe.

So Thanksgiving is over and the kids who came to eat turkey with us, have gone home to decorate thier homes for Christmas. The once noisy chatter of grandchildren is silent, in PoPo's home, and the computer has once again got NaNa's full attention ... though her Facebook addiction is to PoPo's chagrin. It it is important to note that my blue scale, so far this year, is tolerable and truly enjoying the house full of family was more than a treat, it was magical and healing. No pretend motions through the Thanksgiving long weekend off. I refused to focus on anything negative and ate everything, til I thought I would burst! No panic, just thoughts of love and gratitude for these gifts God bestowed on me. Family. Still a slightly dysfunctional family but less on the dark side and more, now, on the humorous side.

I wish I could promise to hold on to this light mood and have Christmas find me in full adoration of the celebration of Christ and singing the holiday songs with gusto!! But I feel that nagging dread and it has been haunting me, whispering to me that something is coming. Something very difficult. Oh...may it not be! May it just be a feeling of dread that, already, the end of this year is near. May it be a dread of the work ahead that coming to the close of 2009 has spurred in me. And most of all, may it be unfounded dread. Maybe I can just put one foot in front of the other and learn a new dance to take me, all in swirls and dips, to the start of new beginnings that could be welcomed in with 2010 and to the end of any 2009 lingering dread. Maybe I could dance such a dance through the dreaded year end holidays and close my inner eyes to the painful little girl memories and open my heart eyes to the healing older woman. A woman who survived and is full of hope .... even when I find things hard to believe.

A Snowy Weekend in October.

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Snow in October is not that unusual. I've been around over 50 winters now, and October is often the first month of snow. I can even remember some winters begining as early as September. I remember winters of heavy snow and high drifts but those mememories seem so long ago. Even more than 20 years ago, our snows weren't heavy enough to sled in our yard with out the aide of the white truck. I can still remember sitting in what we used as the dining room back then, and watching Ron pull Shelby and G.C. on sleds. Round sleds worked the best and if they could keep Sheena, the Rott, from dragging them off the sled...presumably away from danger, they could get a good whip going. Maybe, Sheena was on to something, because I would hold my breath, as they'd whip around and say a quick prayer that they wouldn't whip all the way around in front of the truck. God seem to put upon Ron's heart the wisdom and judgement of turning at the right moment and keeping all the fun safe, but for me...nail biting half the time and laughing the other half when Sheena, who after she had pulled kids off the sled, would run, jump and usually fall on the now empty sled, thus riding it back to start. I might have to dig through the VHS video archives for some of those sledding moments.

The snow that fell this weekend, early October, was over 12", 15" in some places and drifts of over 2 ft. Seems to me I've heard ski reports refer to powder snow. Well, this was a light, fluffy, powder like snow. Cold and blowing most of night to reveal in the first light a thick blanket of snow like we haven't seen in years. So light and fluffy that it didn't drag down leaf laden branches. It was feather light, until it melted a bit and got sticky by noon and yet travel wasn't difficult...almost normal. We've been in a drought for several years now and so this was part blessing, part surreal.

Second Chances

What is a Nanny? Webster Dictionary, defines nanny as: a childs nursemaid. When I refer to myself as Nanny, I prefer to define my roll as, child and home care giver. I think of it as a priviledge and an honor to be intrusted with the care of a precious gift...a child.

I wish I could praise my work as excellent, but in all honesty I have had to humbly make some adjustments because under my watch, things have gotten broken, as a home care provider, and when my grandson fell down a flight of stairs, I nearly retired early from being his child care provider...his Nanny Nana. My daughter seemed to graciously understand that even under the best of care, her's or Daddy's, her son was still falling and bumping along.

I worked several years for a company that had frequent lay offs and I was caught up in four of them. During my last layoff and while waiting for rehire, I took on cleaning for a dear lady on oxygen most of the day. It wasn't long before another charming lady requested I come and help her in her home. By word of mouth my homes grew to a number that allowed me to have my own buisness in homecare. Finally, graduating with a Buisness Degree in my early 40's (after the first lay off that caught me) was proving its worth in my late 40's. It was the best time and very liberating to be my own boss and not have the stress of a next lay off.

When my grandson was born, I had already approached my daughter with the desire to care for him. And soon this matched her desire to have me do so. I shrunk my homes to the ones that I could clean around the care of my grandson and took a huge cut in my established pay. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. This was a choice because it was in my heart to be there for my grandchildren, in a way I may not have been for thier Momma and Daddy. But it wasn't until I had my grandson in my care for a few months that I came to believe this was a second chance for me.

I have a second chance to care for my grandson in a manner rich in transformation as Nana the Nanny, than I was as a young, single, dysfunctional Mother to my oldest son. I am often haunted by the mistakes I made in my late teens and twenties, in raising my children, especially my eldest son and only consoled when I reflect on how far I have come.

I give God the credit for my transformation. Only through His Guidance have I been able to be who I am now and not who I was then. He guided me to new tools, to people who could reach me in my despair and to opportunities that still amaze me to this day. Miracles, I call them! And He's not finished with me yet. He put me in charge of the care of this grandson, His gift, to heal some old wounds and calm the haunted soul. Of that I am now sure!

Nanny sounds so warm and loving to me. I have a quiet laugh, not like Fran the TV Nanny, and I am prone to act like a kid myself. I am not a qualified nurse but I know now how to nourish and nurture, foster positiveness, and protect from harm. I'm not the best maid but when I do clean, I clean up a storm! It is important to me to do my best and I'm grateful for a another chance to do just that!

The Kennedy Legacy Has Touched My Heart.

Found my old scrap book!! Click on a picture and it'll bring it in closer. Wonder how I turn them around so ya start with the Kennedy assassination clipping? Anyway, remembered I had these clippings when I edited the following thot's, spurred on by the loss of Senator Teddy Kennedy.


Where was I when I heard of Edward M. Kennedy's death? On my way home after picking up my grandson to care for him at Ron's house. I listen to a local religious radio station when driving and the announcement of his passing was part of the news break. Unlike the fairly recent deaths of Farrah Faucett and Micheal Jackson, this announcement hit me hard and by the time I got Corban settled into a play routine, and CNN pulled up on the TV, I was in tears. No, I did not PERSONALLY know Senator Kennedy but a big part of my political passions were spurred by the Kennedy legacy. So much so, that I named my son after President John F. Kennedy. If I would have had another son, Edward...or better, Teddy may have been a consideration.

Nebraska is a Republican state and Ogallala, my home town, is a staunch republican city. So mourning the death of a Democrat is likely a lone experience. In fact, when I did express my sorrow to someone close to me, I was slapped quiet with thier words of animosity and near glee that Senator Edward Kennedy was finally out of the picture. Guess I should have known better. It's not like this hasn't been a common reaction any time I try to give my opinion on political issues with my skewed Democratic beliefs. In fact, with all the pressure to not believe as I do, I'm surprised that I remain Democrat in such a controlling republican environment.

I was young when President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Grandma and I watched his funeral on TV. I remember feelings of sadness and confusion. I remember hearing the adults claim he was murdered for his beliefs, for his support of black folks (only many of them weren't using the term black), and his lack of support of the Vietnam War. I remember hearing them claim he may have even been killed by Vice President Ford. I remember being appalled at the way everyone was talking.

I often wonder why I didn't just take on thier attitudes and learn to be like them. Isn't that what young minds do? Absorb the beliefs and attitudes of those they grow up with? Maybe it was the fact, I didn't trust any of those speaking. Most of them had hurt me in some way, so what they thought seemed to be part of the nightmare. Maybe it was Grandma and Mom, both were very soft in thier response to President Kennedy's death, who influenced me, but I began to crave information on the Kennedy's and went on a reading frenzy.

What I learned about them fascinated me and a respect for them grew and was never squelched even as I uncovered unsavory things about them. In fact, the scandals seemed to humanized them to me and thier causes matched my own. One thing I learned fast, growing up poor, money talks. I knew that if the poor were going to have a voice, it would have to come from someone who understood what was at stake. I believed that voice came from the Kennedy's.

I was in high school when my interest in politics bloomed and though I could not vote, I campaigned for Bobby Kennedy. How exciting to be there when the campaign train stopped in Ogallala, NE and Bobby Kennedy spoke from the back of the Caboose. What a thrill to see him, to nearly touch him, and I could just feel his energy. I was so proud of my family, as I had convinced them to vote democrat! My republican family was going to vote for Bobby Kennedy! We were going to stop sending our boys to war to be slaughtered!

I had come home from school one day and was tinkering around the house when my step-dad, Blaine, came bouncing in and seeing me, spit out:

"So, your old buddy Bobby Kennedy got shot today!"

"What!" I exclaimed in shock and disbelief.

I threw on the TV and when what Blaine had said was confirmed and worse, Bobby Kennedy was dead, I collapsed in sobs. The news of upper classmates, who had been killed by the war, hadn't hit me as hard as the news of Senator Robert Kennedy's assassination did. I wonder what I must have looked like to Blaine. As I sat on the floor, sobbing into my hands, he stood over me laughing.....laughing at my sorrow and dismay. I think I began my staunch support of the Hippie Movement on that day.

Over the years since, I've continued to read on the Kennedy's and watch as Senator Edward Kennedy rose and fell in politics. Over the years, and especially, as he took on the Health Care Cause, I have been disappointed in Teddy's detours in scandal. I have been equally hopeful when with each scandal, he would humbly rally with renewed commitment and determination against the corruption that tried to silence his voice by using each scandal to keep the focus off that very corruption that is bringing our country to its knees in these last few years.

I deeply supported his outrage that quality health care should be a right and not a priviledge for the rich. I have too many personal experiences and family stories of how our present system has failed. Senator Kennedy was our champion for this to change and now his voice is forever quiet. He wasn't assassinated and he never quit. HIS quality health care, that he wanted us all to have, couldn't conquer his brain tumor and our champion's voice was silenced. Who will champion this cause now? Surely, there is hope because who would have thought we'd ever elect a Black President? Senator Edward Kennedy knew we would!

It's been a over a month since Senator Edward Kennedy died. Like his President brother, I watched his funeral on TV. I learned how dear he was to all who knew him, even those who viewed him as an enemy. I heard stories that I could never have picked up in all my reading. He was a good man, who had some troubled times, but tried to overcome and thought about quitting but never did. He loved to sing, often not in tune, and was loved by his Kennedy clan as well as by his co-workers, as well as by a perfect stranger like me.

Just an after note: I began this post, shortly after learning of Teddy's death and finally finished my thot's on this day of September 29, 2009.

I hear your scream little one.
You've learned how to get our attention,
And we sure want you to move on!
Try some words, dear,
Like "Hey Nana, I want that plant!"
Or "Stop saying no!"



I enjoy being a grandma, except for the physical aspect of aging that comes with such an honor. I was blessed to be a part of the birth of my daughter's two children. What an experience and oh so much better from this side then when she and her older brother were born!

There is a special bond between grandchild and grandparent. At least, it feels this way with my grandchildren. I am so much more patient, tolerant and loving than in my younger years. Is it because they aren't with me as long and when challenging, can be sent home to Mom and Dad? Maybe.